I need help
Hi everyone
I am at a loss on how to cope with my situation, so I thought I would reach out to the big wide world and speak with some people who have "been there, done that" and get some friendly advice.
I am recently married, March 2015, my own two children to my previous marriage of 22 years are grown up and living away from home as they decided they did not want to come and live with my new husband and I.
My husband also has an adult son living away from home and one 13 year old boy who lives with us every weekend and all school holidays. Here lies the problem. His son will not acknowledge me, he will not give me eye contact, not even a hello or goodbye, unless forced by his dad. He is socially phobic and spends all his time on his computer. His son will not eat my food and I have now made the call that when his son is over I do not cook. This puts some of the responsibility onto my husband for his son and also combats the offence I feel after he won't eat a lovely meal.
As a result of my ex-husbands shock departure 2 years ago I was left with panic anxiety disorder which was under control. However, since living with my husband for the past 6 months his son has started to trigger my anxiety again. I feel this is because of his son's ignoring me and that he will not eat my food makes me feel rejected somehow. I have a very good relationship with my husband and he knows exactly how I am feeling and is very sympathetic, but I don't think he truly understands, as it's his son and he does not do that to him, and he does not have to be a step dad as my children live over an hour away. I have deiced to go and get some counselling and talk with a professional as I am starting to have panic attacks at night again and it starting to affect me more and more. I would also be interested if anyone has read any good books out there that might help me adjust to being a step parent.
I feel very guilty that I am not coping, my husband keeps telling me that he is only a boy. But this boy is triggering something in me that is really affecting me in my home. My home has always been my safe place and now from Friday - Sunday I become anxious and want to go to bed early to try and escape. His son is never rude, just the opposite, its that he will not acknowledge me. Meal times is the worst. We just sit there and eat in silence, with my husband vainly trying to start conversation. I feel like Im going a bit crazy really. Letting this child rule my emotions in such a way. The funny thing is I know I am not alone, I bet there are others out there who feel like I do, or who have a similar situation, if thats the case Id love to hear from you.
I am just very lucky to have a very open and honest relationship with my husband that I can tell him how I feel, but I want more than that. I want to beat this anxiety and not allow his son to affect me so.
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Comments
Try not to let it get to
Try not to let it get to you...I know it is easier said than done.
I went through a similar situation. I have three SS's and One BS. The two OSS's are both what I call "creepy quiet"! The kind of quiet that makes people uncomfortable. I even had a teacher at the school describe the OSS as creepy quiet so it is not just my opinion. I too would have serious anxiety over the fact these children would completely ignore me. It was rude and disrepectful in my opinion. DH would act like it was just normal behavior. THe YSS and my BS are constant talkers...almost to the point you want to tell them to Zip it. So I was totally unprepared for their lack of aknowledgement or communication. Eventually I did get used to it. There are times I still wonder if it was something I did to make them ignore me but rationally I know I did nothing. It is just who they are. Now I ingore them. I do not speak to them unless I have to. I don't try to force the communication. I do, however, expect a response when I do ask a question. If they refuse to respond, I get fired up. They all know this as I have actually followed them through the house and repeated my question until acknowledged. I only had to do that once. They learned their lesson after that.
Just try to remember, not every kid is chatty. If he spends all his time in front of a computer or video game, he may just be socially awkward. At that age, all boys are weird and trying to figure things out.
Don't try to push the communication. Just be polite, say hello and goodbye and keep it to a minimum.
As far as the food...and cooking, been there and done that. My SS's wouldn't eat anything I cooked for a long time. I would get pissed when DH would actually expect me to make them something else instead. I refused and told DH I was not a short order cook and if they didn't eat what was cooked, they would go without. It got to the point they would finally eat my food, except for SS8. He hates anything except fast food. So when he is at the house and refuses toeao eat, he makes himself a lunch meat sandwich.
DH needs to teach his
DH needs to teach his children that even if they don't like you that they must respect ALL adults.
Good job on disengaging on cooking now on to the rest of it and then you got this.
Who gives 2 shits if the kid likes you, maybe he needs to be worried if you like him, LOL. But for reals just let him know that you noticed he doesn't want to be chatty so that you will quit "bothering him" but if he ever changes his mind to let you know. It is always a good idea to remind them that you aren't going anywhere and will always be there for them if they do change their mind about speaking to you.
Socially phobic you say? Dad
Socially phobic you say? Dad needs to do something about this.
There's an autism center in my town that holds social groups for peer to peer learning. They need neuro-typical volunteers to mix with the autistic kids. They give them lessons and social "homework" every week. The idea is that a fellow teen will react spontaneously to your behavior while an adult will coddle you. It's the spontaneous peer reaction that you need to learn from.
These groups are ostensibly for the benefit of the autistic kid but the neuro-typical kids learn a lot, too. My bff's daughter and her friends were volunteers in their teens and now they can mix and mingle anywhere they were dropped on earth. Now I have an autistic ss13 and we signed him up and it helped him a lot and he made real friends.
A good tool at dinner that has served us pretty well are conversation cards. You buy a set and they have interesting questions on them that spark conversation. Everyone answers in turn. There will be resistance at first but you will be surprised how even the surliest of kids can't resist giving their opinion.
So my advice is get the cards and check out your local autism center to see if they have peer social groups your skid can "volunteer" for.