Ive found myself becoming irritable and on edge. Just to reiterate, SD13 Munchkin and I have a REALLY positive relationship (generally) , but I am becoming more and more guarded around her. I have stopped looking forward to her days with us, and feeling very anxious imagining scenarios that have happened in the past that were high conflict.

I would love more than anything to just sit her down, her and I and have one of our heart to hearts, that end without conflict, but then when I start imagining - my imagination takes a "reality turn" and I see another outcome where she sighs, huffs out of the room and slams the door and DH gets upset with me. And nothing is accomplished, I am the bad guy and a shadow hangs over the household. I really want to address her taking my things and not returning them. Taking my tank and not cleaning it and returning it. Her not cleaning in general, no chores. The chore for pay has long since gone out the window a long time ago.

Last night, was Munchkins first of 5, and it will go through the weekend. Ive spoken to her about "decompression needs", and how its tough going between households because the 2 homes have different - to put it delicately - atmospheres. So, I zipped it up and left everyone alone. Just didnt talk to anyone.

It worked. I cooked dinner, we all ate, munchkin did dishes. I was quiet and on edge the whole time. She hung out quietly with her lizard, and then we all watched a movie. DH and munchkin slurped their ice cream drumsticks. Munchkin left her wrappers on the side table. My general rule is keep the main living room tidy and no eating in it. I contemplated either leaving wrappers there and telling DH "clean or get her to clean", or simply throwing away the box of drumstick ice creams.

All during the movie, munchkin asked DH about details like the definition of degenerate (think your sister and your mother), and other "what is " type of questions. All then re-directed at me, because I am ALWAYS the one with the answers. So, I wasnt even directly included in conversations. Just "dad what is.?" and then "Clove what is..." I never volunteered, I wasnt addressed a single time.

All during the movie Munchkin cracked every single knuckle she had. I counted. She did at least 3 different iterations of the same knuckles. Another peeve of mine. Finally I couldnt take it anymore and left the living room to do some paperwork. Came back at the end. It was a dumb movie and all I could do was sit there, and not laugh. The Do Over. My entire brain feels dirty. For many different reasons. She hugged me good night.

So, it could be me and my home buying blues. Ive done all the paperwork submissions myself, pay records, w2s, tax returns. I negotiated (pushed for) a lower interest rate, got a second opinion. Had to redo a purchase agreement. Need to schedule an appraisal. Got the insurance quote. DH has signed what I put in front of him. I get that paperwork is what I do and Im decent at it plus Im more organized, but Im just stressing out, and that might be a part of why SD13 irritates me with her presence. Plus I spotted her mother at the grocery store and avoided, but am reminded how much they look alike. How I must guard my heart and prepare for the possible rejection...and additional high conflict in future with SD20. Because I know the no contact wont last forever, especially if she finds out that we will be owning the home someday.

At least Ill have equity.

Sorry so long and happy Friday all!