Are we that much in love with our spouse or significant other?
I am reading and reading and counting my own situation I don't understand why I just don't pack up and leave. Why are we staying in an relationship where SC are abusing us and our partner does nothing? Are we in the Stockholm Sydrome? As for me why can't I just pack up?
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I often wonder that myself
I often wonder that myself about many of the situations I read about on here.
The same reasons people stay
The same reasons people stay in all kinds of bad situations: economic insecurity (can't support themselves financially), poor self-esteem, afraid to be alone. I hear a lot of people here using age as an excuse, i.e. telling 20-somethings to run but insinuating 50-somethings should settle for anyone who gives them the time of day. There is a guy on this site who mates with user after user but still feels a bad relationship is better than no relationship. And clearly a lot of other people here think the same way but won't say it. Very, very sad.
I don't understand how a person with sense and self-esteem could still be attracted to someone who has created such a mess with the ex, children, poor boundaries, etc, so I don't think love could possibly be the reason.
I don't think that the advice
I don't think that the advice is really so much that 50 plus people should settle.. but the advice to a 20 something childless person is pretty fair. At that age, the pool of available partners who don't come with the baggage of prior marriages/kids is a lot smaller. You are much more likely to have the opportunity to meet people without kids at that age. People have also generally been through fewer damaging relationships. So. a younger person isn't as "stuck" with the prospects of staying with a person with kids.. also.. generally at that age.. the kids are fairly young.. so the haul is a long one.
The pool of 50+ aged potential partners without BM's and kids is much smaller. That doesn't mean someone should settle for a relationship that doesn't fulfill them.. or stay with someone that doesn't support them. But, it may mean that we have to adjust our expectations. I know my brother was on the fence about having kids.. he was worried that he might not be a good father etc.. I let him know that his wife was a lovely young woman and that she wanted to have a child.. he could disolve his marriage.. but in his 40's.. the pool of other potential mates was highly likely to have kids already.. other people's kids..lol. He would be better off staying with the woman he loved and having a child with her.. vs being saddled with someone else's kid (s).
So.. is it settling? or is it adjusting expectations.. changing our checklists so that we don't exclude otherwise great people. Now, on this site, clearly a LOT of people are in horrible situations.. but in many cases, the Skid is just the symptom.. not really the root of the problem. In many cases, it's clear that either the step parent or the bio parent partner are really what is causing the dysfunction.. the Skid just reflects it. Even in the situations with toxic BMs... it's very often the DH (bio partner) that is allowing external dysfunction to negatively impact his spouse and relationship.
There is also the matter of length of relationship.. most 20 somethings have only been in the saddle a few years or less... older posters have often been in the relationship much longer.. and may have more complex situations financially and a lot more history to potentially throw away.
My SO is an amazing man. We are perfect for eachother.
But his parenting with SD9 drives me insane and always has. I dislike being around them together. SD9 is a spoiled, coddled brat these days especially. But I love my SO and he really is my dream man aside from that... so I can understand and sympathize lol
In my book, an "amazing" man
In my book, an "amazing" man would learn how to parent effectively. Being a crap parent would knock someone way below "amazing" for me.
Many of you who stay seem to be able to compartmentalize better than I can. His inability to parent would make me lose respect for him - he's neglecting his child and damaging her ability to be a functional adult human being. AND he's making your life hellish by refusing to address his parenting deficits. No matter how good he is to me, that would be a deal breaker, not "amazing" in the slightest.
I actually have less of a
I actually have less of a problem with the guys that "can't stand up to their EX" vs the ones that allow their children to behave abhorently. Look, there may be many reasons why a man might let his EX "have her way".. give in on custody issues and let her call shots. Financially going to court could wreak havoc.. could result in less access to the child.. create a more hostile environment than necessary.. Giving in to BM may make things easier in general.. not being in a constant "fight".
But expecting basic hygiene, behavior etc of their children when they DO have them? that's where dad's aren't "under BM's thumb".....
My DH for sure "gave in" to BM on stuff.. maybe not all the time.. but honestly.. the fight was most often not worth the fallout. I could see that clearly..
But his kids were not allowed to act like Aholes in our home.
My DH was able to do both -
My DH was able to do both - parent well AND stand up to his ex- which is why I stayed with him. He never let SS act like an Ahole either, and he set good and clear boundaries with BM. Otherwise, love would not have been enough.
Esmod, i tend to see when the husband refuses
To stand up to the exwife, that the kids pick up on her toxic behaviour because bio mum knows she calls the shots and takes it selfishly further with the kids using them as a manipulative weapon against dad.
dad is too afraid to parent and lay down the law, stupidly marries another woman without being upfront with these issues and chaos/dysfunction and before you know it the stepmum is knee deep in this mess treated like crap.
I find the giving in to exwife and not standing upto her creates a domino effect with the skids and how they behave and treat others.
i do get the dads that see it financially not worth going to court for every petty thing bio mum does just to stick it to her and even in my husbands case he saw the damage done to kids, they’re ruined for life, he just couldn’t go any further with exwife. She destroyed his life during the divorce he just wants to be as far away from her as possible. He has managed 11 years not seeing her since the divorce or having any contact, he knows he can’t coparent with her, he knows the damage was done long before the divorce.
its easy for so e stepmums to say they’d lose respect for a man not willing to fight all out for his kid and rights in court but there are so many factors to consider. Do you go bankrupt and waste money on a pointless exercise being in court till kids are adultsand thats not if bio mum decides to get daddy to be up for child support for their kid who’s an adult and in early-mid 20s
I actually agree with a lot
I actually agree with a lot of what you said here Tog, and I completely believe that respect, not love, is a huge portion of the foundation of my marriage. I think in many ways love is born of that respect. But when you talk about losing respect for a man that is an ineffective parent, that also says something about you and your character. You value capable parenting and incompetent parenting can kill your desire and attraction for a man (which I agree with in a number of ways) but I am not 100% certain everyone who posts here feels the same way.
I can't think of any members specifically, and I'm not sure I would call them out even if I could, but I just don't think capable parenting matters people as much as we think. I mean, look at 99% of the BMs we discuss. It doesn't matter to them. Why would it necessarily matter the majority of the posters who use the "my man is so great except for the kids" line of thinking? And, if you consider that many of the skids are close to launching (haha) those certain members may believe that once the kids are out, their problems are gone. Then you have to deal with the posters who, for them, this current relationship is the best on they've had to date and they really do think it's amazing, in comparison to what they had before. I don't know you're backstory but I have read about a lot of women, specifically, on this site who had really unpleasant and even abusive first marriages and then said F that. Not everyone can get from one bad relationship to a good one. Some people need to detour at still-bad-but better-than-the-last relationships before they "learn".
I am not arguing with you at all; I hope it doesn't come across that way because I actually agree with your point about respect. I just don't think everyone starts (or ends) with that same mindset. For some, feeling respect does not factor in to the equation and instead, the feelings of intensity, such as dramatic arguments and heightened tension as well as emotionally-charged kiss-and-make up sessions feel passionate, and its often easy to mistake passion for love, in my opinion.
^^^^^^YES everything Tog said
^^^^^^YES everything Tog said!
Sometimes Love is not enough to put up with half the sh!t I read on these boards. Love doesn't sacrifice respect, integrity, peace & sanity. Aside from the step children issues, there are other underlying issues on the surface and the step kids are just one of many symptoms.
The type of love expressed
The type of love expressed here by SOME posters is not safe. That type of love requires to put the love you have for yourself on the backburner in order to hold on to someone that treats you like (or allows others to) crap.
No woman should ever love a man more than she loves herself.
"Settling" to the detriment
"Settling" to the detriment of your own well being is a deal breaker. It seems like many posters here have a higher tolerance level for BS than me. I personally couldn't do it.
Seriously. "He's got 4
Seriously.
"He's got 4 completely feral minor children with 2 mothers, pays 3/4 of his check in Child Support and gives BM1 the other 1/4 out of guilt, his mother is a narcissist who prefers his first wife to me, BM2 stalks me and slashed my tires - but I looooove him, and he's an amazing, perfect man for me. Everyone settles."
But I
But I loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove him...........Ain't that much LOVE in the world!
I do love my husband but most
I do love my husband but most of our stuggles come from when sd is around. We are just on different pages and I think if we didn’t disagree on those things we woukd be fine.