Jealous DW or am I so Blind
Can anyone help?
I to have a DW that seems to be so consumed by jealousy regarding my BS(9). Claims of absolute favouritism,special treatment, everyone in the house second best when he's home.
Quite fed up with it really as things are at a very serious point. Both are banging heads against brick walls and neither willing to give.
Until 18 months ago I was a single Dad after seperation number 2 from BS mother with 99% custody( by mutual agreement) when I started seeing a new partner( with 2 x BD of her own. 1x8yrs and 1x11yrs).
I'd be lying if I said I didn't expect a few problems in merging 2 families into 1. I thought most would be between the kids. And there have been there fair share of problems as my BS has been trying to adapt to his DAD being shared with 3 other people. Unfortunately the SM seems quite sure all the issues our family unit is having are because of BS. To keep the piece I've taken him to counsellors and even a child phsycologist- all hve said it will take time for him to adjust as in his eyes he is not as important to me as he was and time and re-assurance are going to be needed.
BS initially was quite excited with things and got along well with the new SM but this is not the case anymore.He feels as though she doesn't like him (probably got something to do with the fact he has to speak first to get a conversation out of her). Infact the impression I get is she doesn't like him either.
I get along very well with the 2 SD's who live fulltime with us except for the odd weekend when their Dad takes them. and they quite adore me. All the kids seem to get along quite well. My BS now lives 50-50 between BM and myself. So far this seems to be working O'K.
Everything in the house seems to be fine the week BS isn't home but a day or two before he comes home the mood starts to change. SM starts to get anxious about his return. He's not abusive, rude( apart from not speaking unless spoken to) and is generally a reasonably well behaved 9yr old boy. Far from as perfect as the 2 SD's are.
A checky remark form them is deemed as having spunk a similar remark from BS is a Naughty little boy.
SD's can call my name 50 times a day and this is fine and doesn't bother me or their BM as I try to give my time as best I can to all in the house but if BS wants attention he's just got to learn that DAD has other people who need his attention and shouldn't be so demanding.
This little boy has gone from having a DAD who spent a good bit of spare time with him to haveng a DAD who gets in the poo for paying him attention at all. A DAD who used to take him to kick a football a couple of times a week to a DAD who gets in the poo( very deep) for taking him to kick a footy(skate park) once in a blue moon( approx 2 months) between this treat(special treatment). Little wonder my BS is having a few security issues. Even a phone call from BS to me during his week away is a good enough reason to again have an arguement about special treatment.It feels like I should forget he even exists for that week.
I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
SD's can run around the house, be fussy with their food, be rude and disrespectful(cheeky), arguementative etc,etc but if BS is he needs to see a shrink.It all is getting a bit tiresome to the point where it seems really unfair and is becoming very damaging to my relaionship with DW, as each time it happens which is every second week I get a bit further away.
The constant feeling of being scrutinized and attacked, having to be on the defensive all the time is doing my head in.
By some remote chance that things wiil get better, we will get through this but not to sure.
As a father I have a responsibilty to give my BS the safest, warmest and securist envirnment to grow up in and to a home where he's allowed to be himself and not walk on egg shells from the minute he enter the door.
As a husband I have a responsibility to stand by my DW and support her.
Caught between a rock and a hard place. 1 seems to me to be a 9yr old and 1 seems to be a jealous 14yr old school girl, or maybe I'm just an unfair, tunnel visioned, prick of a husband who's has no idea of how to treat people.
Don't know if anyone will read this and can be of some assistance to me as I've really got no advice to offer but feel quite a bet better now I've got htis off my chest.
Good luck and hope it improves for you and your kids. As my DW new I had a BS before we started seeing each other , it's not like it was a surprise to her.
A bit of acceptance and understanding towards my Bkid would go along way
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Comments
I'm glad you feel better
I'm glad you feel better after getting that off your chest. And is also interesting every time I see a "DH" here...
By what you are saying, your wife must be very annoyed by your son, and her way to demonstrate it is to just treat him unfairly. I am not sure if you are exaggerating, or if your son is really behaving worse than the girls but once again, from what you are saying it sounds like an unhealthy environment for your son, as kids perceive when they are treated differently.
Have you tried to sit down with DW and have a long convo about what is acceptable and expected behavior from EACH member of the family considering the different ages?
Do you go out with DW, just the two of you? Do you go out with SDS, just the three (or two if each) of you? maybe you should start having "bonding time" with each member of the family. doesn't have to be a weekly thing but in a regular basis. Make sure DW and your son ALSO try to bond, just the two of them.
You shouldn't feel like you can't talk to your son when he is away. And is not like you talk to him 3 times a day, according to what you said, it is like once a week, the week you don't see him, which is very understandable. She needs more empathy, how would she act if she didn't see her daughters for a week, would she try to talk to them on the phone?
Ultimately, tell her to come to Steptak
Good Luck Chong!
Thanks G. The SD's get 1
Thanks G.
The SD's get 1 week of every 2 when they don't have any other children in the house to compete against for my attention. I try as best I can to give all the kids my attention whether BS home or not. I'm very furtunate that the SD's have taken such a shine to me and value this a great deal. We do get some time when it is just the SD's and myself but I guess I don't burst out with suggestions of going off and doing things with them and in the ither hand they don't ask. As for my DW and I getting time to ourselves we are quite fortunate as both SD's and BS seem to be away at the same time about a weekend out of 3, every night after the kids are in bed. This time would be so much more fulfilling if there wasn't the underlying stress and resentment about someone very dear to me.
I don't have a problem with DW wanting to do things with just her girls and think it's quite a healthy part of their development as I think the same for my BS. The SD's enjoy going to the shops( girl things) the BS likes sport.
Surely you don't all need to go and do everything together and everyone need some form of independence from each other.
We've tried the sit down and talk it out but just ends in arguements and I can't see why she would feel so second best unless I'm like I said, so blind to things.
When my BS is home I feel anymore attention than tucking him at night is only going to cause me grief. Surely he has some birth rights to his fathers attention without both of us having fear of retribusion. It's not a problem if the SD's want a cuddle but 9yr old boys shouldn't need them. 9yr old boys shouldn't need to come into the bedroom in the middle of the night if they've had a nightmare( so knock on the door and DAD will get up) but SD's can.
Somethings seem so double standard that maybe its me that should be the one crying unfair and special treamtment.
Thanks for the reply and no doubt there will be more posts on here as I am finding quite a stress reliever sending these messages off into cyberspace.
Thanks again.
There's two sides to every
There's two sides to every story.
And no, a 9 year old boy does not need to come into the bedroom when he's had a bad dream. He needs to go back to sleep.
As someone who experiences
As someone who experiences the looming cloud two days before the arrival, I can explain why I feel that way. When the skids would come for the week they arrived as "guests" and expected to be treated that way. Didn't interact with family living, just vied for attention and made demands: let's go shopping I need this or that. Make this for dinner, buy this type of food, take me here take me there, I forgot this. Didn't clean up after themselves. Wouldn't adhere to a routine or schedule. DH was just so grateful that he had this time with the skids that he allowed and catered to this guest-like behavior.
Meanwhile BM called regularly to ask the skids If DH & I were treating them well and not favoring mine own versus hers. (I know this to be true becasue I can read text messages.) Well soon enough the skids felt they were being mistreated and mine were called the perfect children. Mine are not perfect, they are disciplined, and have been since leaving the birth canal. When I was a single mom, I was the captain and the kids, my shipmates. DH.. was the shipmate.
All this created a divided family-- yours and mine. Mine worship the ground DH walks on. He is allowed to discipline with no interference by me. He cannot say the same. Recently he blew up at one of mine because he asked her to set the table for breakfast--she does so every weekend with no complaint. This day she said in minute I want to give my mom her mothers day card/present. He said I am so sick of princess not thinking she has to do chores around here. Really, SD18 is still upstairs sleeping and she sets the table exactly twice a month and dishes twice a month, garbage twice a month, so just who the hell do you think does it the other 28 days of the month? Even though SD is here for two weeks straight and every single morning, pops in for lunch and after school all month long? She has a messy footprint, and only cleans up two days a month?
Every household needs to have structure--kids need structure. If they are treated like guests, they will act like guests.
There is no "I" in team.
I get the part where your son
I get the part where your son is getting used to being shared with others.. So are her kids. When tucking in --do you tuck in all? Do you and your wife go in together to say good night to each?
I have learned that it's not compromising or negotiating that makes this work, it's collaborating.
Chong10, I didn't even read
Chong10, I didn't even read your whole post cause I heard the most in the beggining.. If this woman..your now wife has a problem with your kids, to me that is a big issue!! My BF always says how happy he is that I treat his kids as if they were my own.. I can see it in his eyes and expressions that he is happy that I treat them so well! I find it appauling that she would be rude to your kids, and expect you to treat hers well.. Or put your child in therapy.. Its obvious in any situation that children will have a harder time with transition..They don't know this person who has come into their life.. I don't know why some people think that right away these children are supposed to love them, its not possible! Maybe if they are very young.. But your wife should be getting to know them, wanting to talk and play with them...
How many bio-kids do you
How many bio-kids do you have?