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Grief and skids and DH

Chi123's picture

Submitted by Chi123 on Sat, 06/05/2021 - 5:36am

So just need to vent to someone. I am currently still grieving the passing of my father, its been 5 months but to me feels like yesterday.  lately DH and I been arguing because he feels I don't want skids around- which i told him i don't,  i don't have the energy for them nor want to be around them, I am going through so much emotions I am not myself anymore and have to focus on me. He gets visitations couple times a week and lately he's taken them to park. Last couple days hes again brought up that he wants to bring them over more again to which itold him I will simply step out and do me. He got offended and I told him once again I didn't have the energy to be here and entertain them, that no I don't want to sit around my living room unable to watch what iwant. And again he was offended. I didn't apologize at all because at one point he began to complain how he couldn't have them over on weekends - this is due to me needing to sleep in the day since i work overnights - to which I simply told him that I wasn't going to sacrifice my sleep for them especially since I'm the one bringing income at the moment.  

How have you guys handled the grief process while having skids over? 

Comments

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Sat, 06/05/2021 - 5:53am

I am very sorry for the loss of your father. Have you been in therapy or a support group to help process your feelings so you can move forward with life?

While I do empathize with your hurt, I can understand where your DH is coming from, too. He is missing nearly a half year of his kids' childhood. I would also assume that he's getting some grief from BM and his kids about it. He's in a no-win situation that is being controlled by someone else. His options involve pissing you off, hurting his kids, or leaving you. None of those likely sound like good options to him.

I mean this as gently as possible: for the sake of your marriage, you need to find a way to move forward in grief. That may mean seeking out professional help. People can get stuck in grief, and if that is how they wish to live, that is their choice. However, others are not obligated to follow them down that path.

Chi123's picture

Submitted by Chi123 on Sat, 06/05/2021 - 5:57am

Yes I will be seeking help, I lately been feeling way off and no motivation.  I have seen DHs side and that is why I've mentioned to him that while he has them over, Ill be stepping out , to which he just seems to want me there to sit there which I dont find amusing at all :/

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Sat, 06/05/2021 - 6:08am

Will you be upset, though, if you leave? Upset that you feel like you have to leave? If so, he may see this as yet another no-win situation because he either deals with you being upset or deals with not seeing his kids.

Yes, you need to do you. However, what you do shouldn't come with punitive outcomes. Tell him it really is okay for them to come over because you're going to a support group, or therapy, or the gym, or your parent's house. Tell him you're going to do it whether the kids are there or not. If he doesn't get the kids, go do the thing anyway.

This does two things. One, it will help you in your process to move forward with life by giving you something to do and look forward to. Something healthy for your body and soul. Two, it shows your DH that you're serious about him having the kids over. If what he wants is you as a buffer, then he'll continue to be mad. You can't help that. But, if his fear is based in him being in a no-win situation, this fixes that.

Monkeysee's picture

Submitted by Monkeysee on Sat, 06/05/2021 - 6:15am

I'm so sorry for your loss, I think your comment of stepping out if he brings them over is fair. It’s not your responsibility to entertain them, is that what the expectation has been in the past? Or does your DH expect it to be 'family time' with you being an active part of it? If that's the case, while I understand this is difficult for him, I don't u derstand why he isn't giving you the space to do what you need and he see his kids around that. If he brings them over & you step out, I don't see the issue. 

Not having them over all weekend might be a different issue, however. Does he not expect them to be respectful and quiet while you are sleeping? Or is it simply them being in the house that prevents you from being able to sleep? If he's letting them run wild while you sleep then that boundary is understandable, especially if you're the sole provider currently. However if them simply being there is what's causing your lack of sleep I do think there needs to be flexibility there. 

I hope you're able to find the support you need, grief is a complicated process. Take care of yourself as best as you can <3

Chi123's picture

Submitted by Chi123 on Sat, 06/05/2021 - 6:38am

Thank you. 

I think he thinks I'm supposed to act 'happy' and be there with them when I've clearly told him I'm not in happy times nor have energy or patience for them right now which is why I would step out and do what I want to do while he has them over. 

As for weekend, we have one bedroom that is right next to the living room and they tend to stomp and yell and last time they were over while i tried to sleep I told him they were being loud and he got offended. Since that time I've told him to please not bring them while i try to sleep and instead take them out to the park or take the time to visit his parents with them

Monkeysee's picture

Submitted by Monkeysee on Sat, 06/05/2021 - 6:45am

You have no obligation to act happy just to appease his children. It’s not up to him how you grieve your loss, and it’s not your job to make sure his children are spared from the reality that grief is a difficult & complicated process that isn't pretty.

I think LD has some good suggestions above, finding healthy ways to process is important, but you really shouldn't feel pressure to do anything a certain way if it’s not in your best interest. If your DH is letting his kids run rampant while you're sleeping, then he's an ass with no control over his children, and he absolutely should not be bringing them over while you sleep. Perhaps he should be finding a job, maybe having financial pressure off your shoulders would help ease the burden a little.

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Sat, 06/05/2021 - 6:52am

Unfortunately, your DuH can only see his pont of view and he thinks his kids are the best thing since sliced bread. He doesn't have an objective take on anything that concerns them because they are the centre of his univers and he doesn't understand why everyone else doesn't feel that way. Even the slightest comment about them results in "you don't like them/you hate them", right? He lives on his own little planet. I remember from one of tyour earlier posts how he took his kids to your grieving mother's home and let them run riot just after she had lost her husband and you were helping her with the resulting paperwork ... and then got angry and left when asked to try to keep the noise lever down. Who TF does that? WHO can be that insensitive?

https://www.steptalk.org/blog/chi123/am-i-wrong-266454

Soooo, I can't say I am surprised at his reaction here. To echo the other posters, I think you would benefit from counselling, truly I do. I also agree that you should do you when his kids come over. There is absolutely ZERO reasons for you to sit there and suffer while his kids run wild in your home. They are HIS responsibility, not yours. Do not ever let him forget that. I also suggest that, if he continues with his whiny tantrums, you bluntly tell him that if he isn't happy, the door is right there. It's time he and his kids stopped trampling you. It's also time he opened his eyes and realized that YOU are supposed to be important in his life too, that you are not just his nanny and ATM...

(((((HUGS))))) 

Be kind to yourself.