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Still Annoying

CastleJJ's picture

Submitted by CastleJJ on Fri, 01/20/2023 - 11:58am

We are scheduled to have SS for President's Day weekend in February. Our CO enforces that DH pick SS up in BM's state at 3pm on Friday and BM will pick up SS from us at 3pm on Monday. The 3pm pick up allows SS to attend school on Friday. 

This year, SS doesn't have school on Friday and we are looking to take SS out of town to visit DH's family. He hasn't seen them since last summer due to our limited visitation and DH's family being ill during SS' visits. DH emailed BM to ask if they could change the exchange time to noon both ways to allow for our extra out of town travel, which will tack on an extra 2 hours to our 4 hour pick up. If we picked SS up at 3, we wouldn't make it to DH's family's house until 9 at the earliest, where noon would get us there around dinner time. 

BM emailed back agreeing to our request, stating that it actually works better for her anyway because she will be in the same town as DH's family, visiting her own family. She also let DH know that she is pulling SS out of school for 3 days following picking up SS from us to stay in that town to continue visiting with BM's family. BM asked DH if she could just pick SS up from DH's family's house since it's only 20 minutes away from her family's, instead of driving the extra hour and a half to our house. DH agreed since it will allow us an extra day of visiting family. 

While I am happy that BM agreed to something that benefits us for once, it is also frustrating that it also benefits her too. She never has to do any extra work where DH always has to jump through hoops or inconvenience himself. BM always benefits in these situations. I also find it so interesting that SS can miss school for BM but is NEVER allowed to miss school for DH. Every time DH asks for anything extra that could interfere with school, BM refuses, yet SS can miss days at a time for BM's needs. 

DH isn't going to address it. He is honestly over most things SS and feels like if it doesn't directly impact us, we need to let it go. DH keeps telling me to focus on DD and all the experiences we will have with her and think about the things we can control, but damn is it frustrating. I hate double standards and I hate that we have to run everything by BM since we never have SS, while BM gets to do whatever she wants as CP. 

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Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Fri, 01/20/2023 - 12:50pm

We never allowed SS to miss school for SpermLand visitation.  Mainly because the CO was clearly established to accomodate school schedules in the visitation schedule so SS would not miss school.

The tried repeatedly to jack with returning him on time and getting us to let them have more time causing SS to miss school. We did not allow it.

We generally did not take SS out of school.  Though we did take him out a week early for Christmas break one year when we were traveling overseas to have Christmas with my family before my parents retired.  We worked with the school to make sure there was nothing missed. The teachers and administrators were very supportive of him having that experience. He had to do a presentation when he returned to school.

The CP definately has far more leeway  on school and a higher level of overall convenience.

We were the CP household.  We never jacked with visitation but neither did we tolerate deviation from the CO.

CastleJJ's picture

Submitted by CastleJJ on Fri, 01/20/2023 - 2:06pm

See, I guess it's not about missing school for visitation; I guess I wouldn't expect that. I guess my point is that SS can't miss school for ANYTHING related to DH - no weddings, no funerals, vacations, nothing. DH joked that when DH's grandpa passes, it better not be on a school day because SS won't be allowed to attend the funeral if it is. SS has never ever missed school for anything that pertains to DH or DH's family, even if they are once in a lifetime events.

BM on the other hand, pulls SS out for whatever she feels is important. BM told SS that he could have 3 days off and take his friend to visit BM's family to go sledding if he kept his grades up. It's a double standard on the importance of education if SS can miss for BM but not for DH. 

I guess it comes down to visitation in general. I hate that BM has 46 weeks per year to do with what she pleases and we have to plan all of our life events inside of that 6 weeks per year we have if we want SS to be able to attend. BM will not grant any extra time, down to the minute. It just feels so restrictive and power hungry, especially when they are both SS' parents and should have similar consideration.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Fri, 01/20/2023 - 3:33pm

We were the CP household. The SpermClan had almost 10wks of COd visitation per year though they only occassionally took about 7wks a year.  The CO visitation schedule was 5Wks Summer, 2Wks Fall in SS's area of residence and he could not miss school (Never taken, not once in the 16+ years we lived under the CO), ~1Wk Winter (it alternated from the day school was out until 12/24 on even years and 12/26 until the day before school started during odd years), and ~1Wk Spring (though it could generally be about 10 days depending on the year.  Winter could be for only a few days on even years and as much as about 10 days for odd years but averaged about a week.

Our CO specifically stated that visitaiton could not interfere with SS's school schedule.

Over our CO years (16+), the SpermClan refused visitation completely a number of times where SS did not see them for a year or more.

CastleJJ's picture

Submitted by CastleJJ on Fri, 01/20/2023 - 3:48pm

We have 6 weeks of visitation total. We alternate Thanksgiving break and spring break, split Christmas break, and get two two week blocks in the summer. We also get President's weekend. We tried to get more summer visitation since that is really the only time we can feasibly see SS, but BM fought tooth and nail in court to keep it at the two two week visits. Ultimately we lost after a year in court and $30k in legal fees. 

Our BM continues to argue that DH isn't capable of parenting for longer than 2 weeks at a time, which is ironic given that we have DD together who is almost a year old. I don't understand why she belittles DH or portrays him as the deadbeat Dad; he has always paid his CS on time and in full, he has always tried to be involved, has always held stable housing and a stable job, is clean cut, etc. We try to stay involved in academics, medical, etc. despite the distance, lack of legal custody, and unwillingness to coparent on BM's end. We have never ever missed a visitation and we continue to call SS twice per week and have for years, yet we are "deadbeats."

Our BM is never going to be satisfied until our visitation is minimum and our involvement is none. BM never wanted a father for SS, she only wanted a donor for herself to obtain her goal of becoming a parent. I don't think she ever thought about after SS was born and the fact she would be connected to DH forever or that DH may actually want to be involved - hence the fighting tooth and nail. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Fri, 01/20/2023 - 2:36pm

Not that it woukd change anything, because she is primary, but has your DH ever said he doesn't agree to SS missing school?

It might be fun to poke the bear (after you have him in your home, of course!). I am in fighting mood, don't actually listen to me. Shit week... lol

CastleJJ's picture

Submitted by CastleJJ on Fri, 01/20/2023 - 2:59pm

We have in the past. When DH has called her out on it, BM reminds DH that she has sole legal and physical custody and can do whatever she wants. She then belittles DH, reminding him that she has sole custody "for a reason" because she is the superior parent and DH is a deadbeat and not entitled to any rights. In reality, she has naturalized custody from them never being married at the time of SS' birth. She isn't the superior parent, she is just the woman, so she was granted full custody by default due to state laws. BM continues to believe that if DH was "worthy" of custody, the courts would have granted him some, but since they didn't (because they are BM favoring due to a broken system), they must agree with BM that DH is unworthy. 

DH is at the point of dropping rope. He doesn't care anymore. He just calls and sees SS as court ordered. If BM messes SS up, it's on her. She fought to the death to be the CP, it's her problem. And if BM tries to drop SS off during the teenage years when she can't handle the mess she has made, DH said he won't accept full time placement. DH said he won't pick up BM's mess when she has spent a decade trying to eliminate him from SS' life. He said he won't suddenly be deemed "worthy" of parenting when it is convenient for her. 

CastleJJ's picture

Submitted by CastleJJ on Fri, 01/20/2023 - 3:31pm

Oh I know you get it 1000%. It's amazing that society agrees that "it takes two people to make a baby" yet society also agrees that only one is worthy of raising it. Blows my mind, especially when our DHs are fighting so hard to be involved. 

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Sat, 01/21/2023 - 6:22pm

Are viewed as mere wallets that have no capability of raising a child whereas the BM is the superior, holier than thou, perfect parent according to the "family" court system. 

CastleJJ's picture

Submitted by CastleJJ on Fri, 01/20/2023 - 4:45pm

BM has never denied us our CO'ed visitation, however, because of BM, the judge did have it stipulated that DH's visitation cannot interfere with SS' sport obligations. DH is expected to concede his visitation or rearrange it for sports. Another reason I hate the family court system. So of course, BM has SS fully enrolled in sports year round. So BM can LEGALLY deny visitation with the courts backing as long as sports occur. 

shamds's picture

Submitted by shamds on Fri, 01/20/2023 - 9:37pm

But ultimately if she is high conflict and has alot of drama, just see this agreement as a win-win that keeps you both happy.

it's convenient to both of you and gives you more couples time. Don't fight the tiny battles, win the war. So pick and choose what to agree and disagree on