SS11 & Pet Loss
So I posted a blog at the end of May. SS11 is a proud pet owner to a rabbit. He has had this rabbit since he was 3 and it has lived a very long and happy life. SS has done a wonderful job taking care of his rabbit. At the end of May, BM warned DH that pick up would possibly be delayed for our first visit, as BM was at the emergency vet with the rabbit and things "didn't look good." Luckily, the rabbit had an abscess and DH's pickup occurred on time. SS was fine.
Last night, BM texts DH late and says "I know it's last minute but we (her and GF) need to talk to SS. We may have to put his rabbit down tomorrow." DH gets SS and lets BM and GF tell him. We stood outside SS' bedroom door until we heard crying, but went in to comfort him at that point. BM was a mess and GF was handling the news and fully dealing with SS (which again, GF does all the parenting). As soon as we came in the room, BM and GF quickly ended the call. SS was upset. DH and I sat with him, hugged him, explained that losing a pet is always hard but that he gave his rabbit a wonderful life. DH offered to help SS order a memorial stone for their garden to help, since SS is here while all of this is going on. SS cheered up and said "Thank you for supporting me." BM texted DH to say that she wants SS to be involved in the process, which may require more communication before, during, and after the vet. DH told BM that he would follow SS' wishes and do what SS felt he needed to do.
This morning, BM texts DH to say that they made the vet appointment, but they wanted to talk to SS before the appointment. SS refused. He felt he didn't need to be a part of the whole process and wanted to wait until after the vet to talk to them. DH agreed and let BM know. They took the bunny to the vet and yes, he needed to be put down. BM called SS with the rabbit from the vet, letting him say "Goodbye." SS said his goodbyes. BM told SS to call "any time, all day" if he needed to talk, which SS shook his head "No" and said he had us and then hung up with BM, hugging DH and I. We told him that today is his day and we will do what we can to provide comfort and support. All this kid wants to do is go mini golfing so we are going to do that this afternoon. I am hoping BM doesn't try to use this to constantly call SS for the rest of the visit. I know if we try to refuse BM's requests for contact, BM will do major gaslighting about how we aren't helping SS in his time of need. I'm hoping she just takes the hint that he's fine and leaves him alone until Sunday when she picks him up.
I was dreading the day that something like this happened because I didn't want the PAS to interfere with SS feeling supported in his grief, especially when he isn't at BM's to get the closure and say proper goodbyes. I am glad to see that hasn't been the case.
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Pet deaths
When my bios were little, about 3 and 4, they had a goldfish, Goldy. When Goldy passed, I thought it would be a good opportunity to discuss death procedures. So, we swathed Goldy in a Kleenex shroud, placed him in an old jewelry box and buried him in the backyard. I thought I'd done well....
Until several days when DS dug Goldy up. Oops, I guess I didn't explain enough. Lol.
I'm sorry for your SSs loss. He sounds like a good boy.
Losing a pet is really hard
Losing a pet is really hard but the good news is that it is obvious that he is comfortable with you. You are allowing him to process in a healty way.
Side note- No way would I put my kid through the trauma of the vet visit to put a pet down. I am a grown ass woman and doing that for my dog was to this day one of the hardest things I have ever done. My kids think he passed away in his sleep and it will always be that way.
The loss of a pet is a life event. Keeping it appropriate, not
over or under doing it, etc... is a delicate balance.
I hope for your SS's sake that his idiot mother can have a rare bout of contact with her brain and let this kid grieve in the ways he needs and not make it about her.
Due to BM's emotional
Due to BM's emotional immaturity and narc tendencies, I think she is also struggling with the loss and I think she is needing constant contact with SS to cope herself. She is making it about her. But SS isn't letting her. He hasn't asked for her since the initial call this morning and I think BM took the hint, thank God. She can rely on her GF if she needs emotional support.
BM cannot be tolerated to interfere with SS's grief.
After all, it is just a rabbit. And not even BM's rabbit at that.
If she was worth a shit as a mother and was focused on SS, maybe. But, she isn't worth a shit.
This brought back memories.
This brought back memories. Three years ago, our kitty who had been with us since my daughters were 3 had been seriously ailing and one afternoon he let me know that he was suffering way too much.
I called DH to come home fast to take us to the vet . My daughter had my car to get to work. We saw the vet and it was clear it was the end. I called my daughter to let her know. Turns out she was sitting in the car park.
He let her know that he couldn't take the pain and she held him while the vet put him to sleep. She was 17 and it was the hardest thing she ever had to do.
Watching was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. He was very much loved (he had a hip replacement at age 13 and kept on climbing trees) and won't be forgotten.
Pets add so much to our lives
Pets add so much to our lives. The sad part of owning them is letting them go when they get to The Rainbow Bridge. I'm sorry for SS's loss.
UPDATE: SS is doing well.
UPDATE: SS is doing well. This morning we ordered a memorial brick for their garden and had it direct shipped to BM's house. It has a bunny on it, bunny's name and his date of death. It says "You hopped into our hearts, we will love you forever. DH and I then took him to lunch and out putt putt golfing. He is happy and laughing, but has little bursts where you can tell he's thinking about it.
That was a lovely thing to do
That was a lovely thing to do.
That was such a thoughtful way to help SS.
That was such a thoughtful way to help SS. It was something tangible he could do in the moment to help the grief process.
I haven't had to have a pet
I haven't had to have a pet put to sleep but my daughter was present when her two guinea pigs died less than 8 months apart. She was 15 and it was very difficult for her. She wanted to be there with both of them until the end and it was very hard.
It sounds like SS didn't want to be there, that it would have been too hard for him, and that is perfectly fine. Everyone deals with these things differently. You and your husband did great with him! Hopefully BM will think like a mom for once and consider his needs, instead of her wants.
Hey, justmakingthebest, you
Hey, justmakingthebest, you've written:
~ No way would I put my kid through the trauma of the vet visit to put a pet down. ~
Absolutely! When our beloved Shih-Tzu/Poodle died, in her 17th year, my DH and I sobbed so hysterically and helplessy that no child of 11 years would have benefitted from participating. I’m sure that our vet, a kind and thoughtful man, would have strongly advised against having him present during the procedure. Sometimes I wonder where that BM’s brain resides. No doubt, Rags could offer a suggestion?
And good on both you and your DH for responding to a traumatic event in the child’s life with sensitivity and wisdom.
Pet loss..one of the hardest
Pet loss..one of the hardest things to go through. IMO.. harder then people.
Sounds like SS is handling it well and it is good to hear he didn't need BM for the process. Seems like BM did try to hijack it with her feelings and it didn't work.
When our dog was dying in 2020 (SOs dog before me but never BMs) BM used it as an opportunity to get in to her house. They use every event to insert themselves... even when it has nothing to do them.