Dreading Visitation - Vent
SS9 returns this weekend and will stay for two weeks. Honestly, I am really dreading this visitation. We had such a nice visitation earlier this summer and then BM made those damn abuse allegations and I'm just having trouble getting past it.
I have no proof that SS accused us of abuse and told BM and I have no proof that BM made all of this up. I can only say that BM included specific details that occurred during visitation in her email, so SS at least told her something. I understand that SS may be under duress due to BM's interrogations so maybe he told her things to keep from getting interrogated or yelled at... or maybe BM made all this up without SS' involvement. SS has never been the type to be manipulative, but BM is, so maybe SS is starting to take form as a mini BM. Regardless, I just feel betrayed. We always work so hard to make SS comfortable and ensure he has a nice visit, and this is the "thanks" we get? I honestly don't even want to be around SS if this is how it's going to go. We will not be doing as BM requested and having a conversation with SS about the allegations. We will simply be removing the Nerf gun that BM claimed was the weapon of choice to perpetrate the abuse and SS will be doing all phone calls with BM and GF in his room alone, with the door shut. We also ordered cameras which will be installed in our house later this week.
What really irks me about all this is that, according to BM, SS accused me of eavesdropping on SS and BM's phone calls while he was visiting. According to BM, SS said that he tries to walk away while on the phone to maintain privacy and I yell at him and demand he come back so I can listen and that I force him to sit right next to me for the whole call. BM then went on to say that she doesn't care that I listen but that it makes SS uncomfortable. Do I believe that SS actually said this? At this point, I'm not sure. I do not eavesdrop on his calls because quite frankly, I don't give a flying fark what BM and GF tell SS in their few 10 minute phone calls. SS had 3 phone calls with BM and GF during visitation: one Facetime in the car because BM called while we were driving (so yes I heard that one), one while we were camping (SS was 40 feet away from me, pacing in the middle of the road while talking on the phone and I told SS to get out of the road to avoid getting hit by a car) and the third was when SS was at the pool with us when they facetimed and I left to go back to our apartment while he was on that phone call so clearly not eavesdropping. I guess the point is, I don't want to give BM the satisfaction of thinking I give a crap about her or GF, especially not enough to try to eavesdrop on their phone calls.
I have not had any contact (in person, email, text, or phone call) with BM or GF in over 2 years and I intend to keep it that way. I am sick of GF referring to SS as "her son" and referring to herself as SS' "Mom" and everything is "we" like BM and GF are his actual parents and DH and I are just babysitters. GF keeps telling DH that he has to "understand how 'we' (meaning GF and BM) feel about SS visiting with DH and I," like GF has any say in the matter. According to SS, GF is the one who insisted he came to visit us with the kid's smartwatch with tracking capabilities, "to ensure his safety while in our care." But BM made this monster, by giving GF parenting authority, and GF loves to exert this "power" over DH, just like BM does. I just freaking hate these women and wish we could rid our lives of them completely.
I cannot wait for July 10th when SS leaves and we don't see him again until Christmas. No more perfume covered stuffed animals or kid's smartwatch with tracking. Just five months for DH and I, without SS, to focus on my pregnancy and our family's future without having to worry about SS and BM trying to ruin our lives.
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Comments
I dont blame you
I'd be apprehensive, too. Thank goodness you are having the cameras installed. If SS doesn't notice them, I'd casually mention them. Knowing we now have cameras has seemed to slow down my thieving SD.
Like you, I don't know if SS is a sneaky, manipulative little jerk, or he's being manipulated, himself. In any case, I'd be somewhat disengaged and watching my back.
Good luck.
Oh trust me, my guard is
Oh trust me, my guard is definitely up this time.
Ugh. This all sounds way too
Ugh. This all sounds way too stressful for you. Is there any chance you can go stay somewhere else for the 2 weeks he is visiting?
I'm not going to be staying
I'm not going to be staying anywhere else during visitation, but DH will be working from home and I told him that SS is 100% his responsibility during visitation. I will be working and going about my normal routine as if SS isn't here. He understood and agrees. He wants to keep me out of this mess as much as possible.
Good Plan
Sorry you're experiencing this- it's just so nutty.
Uck I hate that
The whole "accusation as control" vortex that sucks the energy and life out of us stepparents.
Im still mad about SD15 Backstabber/Munchkin doing what she did. Especially irked about how I supposedly did nothing to help her, only "damaged" her by "harassing her" through her bedroom door.
Also severely irked by the stuff she said as regards my marriage. Every other week its a stranger existing in my space. I almost wish she'd go full custody just to have the space I help pay for clean and clear of BM influence.
Although SD has been nice, and generally just yaps on the phone in her room when with us, Im still just mad about the unresolved issues. The lies and manipulations.
In my eyes her claims have no
In my eyes her claims have no legitimacy if she has not reported it to cps/police and still sends her son to the "abusive" household. And if you two are such awful parents then why is an unsupervised/recorded chat between SS and your husband going to solve anything? There is no logic to any of it.
I definately agree that it is best to be cautious though as the potential implications could be huge.
HCGUBMs want it
Both ways. Cake eaters.
Setting up the cameras is
Setting up the cameras is good, but I would not advertise it for SS...he will tell BM and I'm sure she will figure out something pertaining to child porn or something to shoot back with.
I know it's hard but try to ignore the cows and just remember everything BM is spewing are gross exaggerations of anything SS has told her:
SS: Me and dad were playing and he shot me with a nerf gun and I laughed.
BM hears: Son was having fun with his dad and that can't be tolerated so I must twist this into something that manipulates and exploits my child's feelings.
You yell at SS to get out of the road.
BM Hears: CastleJJ is not my son's mothere! Now I must turn this into something negative because I can't stand having another woman other than my SO parenting my child.
Best of luck to you these next two weeks. I hope SS is normal and no drama ensues.
We will not be advertising
We will not be advertising the cameras. They are only being installed in common spaces including the living room, kitchen/dining area, and the hallway. If SS asks about them, I will just tell them that they are to watch the pets while we are away. We have had cameras before and we used that excuse and it worked every time, SS never asked about them again.
I am doing the best I can at ignoring BM and GF's bull crap. I know that their games are coming from a place of insecurity. I just don't want any part of it.
You have proof that BM makes
You have proof that BM makes absurd accusations. Imagine going in front of a judge to anwer to abuse by shooting each other with nerf guns, a recommended toy for kids 6 and older.
Satan tried to accuse DH of abuse for serving food Killjoy doesn't like. Derp. Ignored, in stereo. Satan turned Killjoy into a monster.
Killjoy -
1. wasn't required to eat "anything she doesn't want to eat", which turned into her yanking our chain by only cooperating with eating what she was in the mood for at any given moment, aka junk, and
2. didn't have to do "anything that made her uncomfortable", terminology reserved for people who drown puppies or touch people's private parts, was used to yank our chain by stopping dead in her tracks on a nature walk because she didn't feel like taking another step.
She also included allegations
She also included allegations that DH repeatedly hit SS upside the head and some other accusations of physical violence. So those were more concerning, but one of the posters above is correct, that it lacks legitimacy because BM is continuing to allow visitation, failed to report it to CPS or the police, and wants DH to have a heart to heart with SS to resolve the issue.
This is not BM's first rodeo with abuse allegations. BM falsely accused my BIL of sexual misconduct when SS was a baby. BM and SS had never even met BIL. The judge issued a no contact order between SS and BIL because the allegations were "he said she said" so the judge had to protect SS regardless of if the allegations were true or false. BM then accused BIL of sexual misconduct 8 months after our wedding. BM was given court permission to attend our wedding to supervise SS out of "fear" of sexual misconduct occurring. Our lawyer ripped BM a new one in court after these allegations surfaced because, if this occurred, BM failed to report it and waited 8 months to tell DH or the courts; plus she attended the wedding to supervise and she failed to protect SS if sexual misconduct occurred under her watch. The judge maintained a no contact order on BIL, even though it was clear the allegations were false. The judge asked BM during court two years ago point blank if DH was abusive; BM said "No" and that is documented in the court transcription. BM also threatened to call CPS for neglect because SS forgot his coat in DH's car and DH refused to return it that night. All of these allegations/threats are documented via email, text, or court document.
I would ensure he doesn't
I would ensure he doesn't know about the cameras. And in his bedroom -if that's where he speaks to BM/GF-I'd at minimum put audio so your DH can hear what he's sharing with them during those conversations. Keep record of all of it.
It is illegal to record a
It is illegal to record a conversation which you are not a part of. Our attorney advised us against this.
I'd keep the precautions in
I'd keep the precautions in place, cameras, etc, but other than that I'd do life as usual w/ Dad doing everything for son. Not much else you can do since it's just BM making accusations but not involving anyone/anything that might bump it up into more than just empty talk.
If he’s talking in a common
Area. Anybody can hear his conversation. Better to be in trouble for recording a conversation. Then for child abuse.
Keep the camber going. Save the tapes or digital recordings for ever
Well done with camera, you could be surprised
Hi CastelJJ,
As you read in my previous post, i have the same SS9 here, and same issues.
Camera and videorecordings help feeling secure. But it's just to sad you have to do that in your own home, where it's supposed to be a safe place for you.
I would't be surprised that your SS is part of that manipulative game. Mine lies everyday more than the other day, and it started like yours.
Take care of you, you are pregnant, focus on your baby. I just have a baby 7 months ago, i know what you go through.
I can relate. BM had her
I can relate. BM had her lawyer send a letter saying that I take SSs phones away from them because I don't want them talking to her. The direct quote from the letter was, "A stepmother's jealousy should not keep a mother from contacting her child." She also told everyone who will listen that DH and I sit around and talk about how much we hate BM in front of SSs. In my case, I know SS said some things to BM. He is manipulative and always has been. He's now a teen, so I basically avoid him. I'm just counting down the days until he decides that he's not going to come to our house anymore.