BM and SD14, I pitty them both.
My extremely PAS’d SD14 just left after having spent a month with us this Summer. It seems as though, after three years of this, the visits are getting easier and less riddled with drama. But at the same time it’s only because we’ve all learned to compartmentalize them into a type of non-existent, temporal state of unconsciousness while we all just wait it out. “Walking on Eggshells” is not only our motto, it’s our survival mode.
Her (undiagnosed BPD) mother posts to an online blog site almost daily. Neither SD14 nor BM know that we found it. I’m also certain that SD14 doesn’t know about it. On this blog site, BM spews forth her self important, self involved, one-sided, journalistic type entries on subjects such as “successes in parenting”, “success in marriage and relationships (post twice divorced on her third husband), “sobriety” (post recent wagon fallage) and her “new and reformed altruistic life, despite having been victimized by her previous two husbands and dysfunctional childhood”. She actually has readers leave comments of encouragement and adoration. I soooo want to privately write them and worn them about her evil and manipulating twin persona. But I don’t. I just pitty her. She often posted about her hatred of us and exaggerates how much her daughter loathes her visits with us. Never once mentioning to her readers how her own actions have contributed to the situation. Not once has she ever written about the darker side of her alienating behavior. That her so called “successful parenting” has produced a 14 year old daughter who practices self harm, has substance abuse issues, fails in core subjects at school, has relationship/promiscuity issues, and is extremely angry at the world. Of course she wouldn’t write about these things. She doesn’t even believe they are issues to be overly concerned with, as she has stated to us before, “these are typical teenage behaviors, her therapist said so herself” Hmmmm. Her blog should be entitled, “Denial 101”.
I guess my venting here is just a way to set the record straight to the online universe. So thank you steptalk members for being here, and for providing a place to vent and find solace.
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Comments
Ooooh, I wanna read it! I
Ooooh, I wanna read it!
I solemnly swear I would never click through from steptalk, and would go as incognito as possible IF I absolutely HAD to comment. (I usually don't)
PAS is present in my
PAS is present in my situation too. It's driving me crazy!!! Don't these BMs know what harm they are doing their children? It makes me so sick to think of all the times my skids bm has cried to them. She even quotes me on her facebook info page. Is that supposed to be an insult? Whatever it is, it isn't healthy for the kids to see and they live with us full time and their mom is very connected to them on FB.
Sorry to hear that your skids
Sorry to hear that your skids have to put up with PAS too. The thing about it is that they have no context or broader perspective by which to understand their predicament. They digest what they are given, no questions asked. We can only hope that in time they'll understand what has happened to them, and in the meantime just try to minimize the conflicts as much as possible. It’s heartbreaking. BTW your profile name is so true....
You have my sympathy. I know
You have my sympathy. I know exactly how you feel. PAS is a crime. I see the pain, grief and abuse SD14 has endured manifested in her misbehaviors, and I myself feel the rejection pain all the time. All due to her mothers own insecurities and lack of boundaries. I always fall back to the same mantra when my heart breaks: The Serenity Prayer.
PAS is a beast for the
PAS is a beast for the alienated parent, the stepparent, and most importantly, the kids who experience it. My SDs used to live with BM and it took DH getting custody and getting them extensive therapy for the PAS and molestation they incurred at BM's house. BM used to feed them all sorts of falsehoods. One was that DH never paid her child support. The reality was he never missed a payment. Another thing she used to do was vent about DH to them and tell them about every single problem she's had with him. And the poor kids fell for it all the way. I just wish these "moms" would get therapists of their own and stop feeding their kids all this venom about their dads.
Anon, My SD did benefit from
Anon, My SD did benefit from therapy. But the scars remain and doubt persists. And the alienation continues (same issues as you discribed, CS, distortion campaigns, etc..). But under NO circumstances will I take on the full time role of stepmother to a incorrigible teen. I know my personal limitations. Kutos to you and yours for your strength. When my DH and BM where separating he and his (then)mother in-law both suggested she get therapy. They then discovered her greatest fear; and that opening that deep dark void-less chasm of her psyche would collapse the universe into a black hole, better we leave those doors closed for now.