SS Shuts down
I am new to this site & found it by accident when looking for something to help me with this issue. Here's a little background on my story, I have been married for 18months now, SS9 & a 9 month old daughter. I have tried very hard to like/love my SS9. I feel that we had a better connection before I had my daughter. He is by no means a bad kid. He can be rude, disrespectful & not listen to you right away. DH parents solely out of guilt. He would rather be SS9's friend than a parent. BM (who has primary custody), is hardly ever around. Leaves town to visit the boyfriend of the month. DH works a lot, & often when it is our weekend to have SS9. So very often it is just me & the kids. SS9 has recently started lying. Mostly about food. He will tell me he ate cereal when clearly there is not a dirty bowl in sink. Then when confronted with lying or any time you ask him to tell you his feelings, its in immediate shut down. He will not look at you & he will not speak. He might shrug shoulders, or nod or shake his head, but that is all you get. I have had to try very hard to control my anger & not get frustrated with him. I get so annoyed I would just love to smack him. DH ignores him or says something silly to make him laugh. I do not love SS9 like DH does, so I do not have the patience for his game. Please help. I do not know what to do or how to handle this behavior & if I don't find a way to deal with it, I am afraid I will fly off the handle someday & do something I will regret. Oh & BM will not take to counseling, clearly SS9 has issues.
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Welcome to the site! My
Welcome to the site!
My suggestion for you is the counseling. What is your schedule with SS? Can you take him during your time with him. If that is not possible and if she wont agree, take her to court. Make it mandatory.
Good Luck!
This is really good advice
This is really good advice and hits at the root of the problem. Sure, the SS is not behaving great, but the lies are fairly inconsequential. The real issue is the lack of DH's parental involvement that sets the tone for how SS should behave in your house and how he should treat you. Counseling may help, but a word from Dad will likely go much further faster.
It struck me that he might
It struck me that he might have jealousy issues since the baby came along? It's difficult even for adults to get a handle on reacting to emotions at times so try being only 9 without the vocabulary of an adult. I hear you with the guilty parenting thing, it sucks!
I agree that counselling would be a good idea, a good counsellor knows exactly how to communicate with children of all ages. I think he's looking for you to care whether he ate or not, call him out on 'fibs' and generally do the things a mom should do to make sure kids are thriving. Now, the down side to that is being manipulated by a child who could quickly learn how to push buttons and 'get one over on you' so to speak. Please do not be upset at this suggestion, I suggest that, if no one is willing to get the child some counselling, you get counselling of your own and then you will be better equipped to deal with situations effectively as and when they arise. A juvenile judge ordered family counselling because of the delinquent ways of SD and I took counsel from a VERY wise woman, she had counselled SD and DH and then shrugged her shoulders and decided to counsel me how to deal with them all. The truth of the matter is that I was losing my own sense of self because of the bullshit going on and from that day on it was immediate changes! I stopped allowing SD to push my buttons and I refused to dignify DH defending her out of his own guilt.
A short while after that SD and her twin brother did the 'you are not my mom so we do not have to do as you say!' They were 13 years old. I told them they are perfectly correct, I am not their mom, likewise I do not have to do anything you ask me to do! DH pretty soon saw how horrendous a time I had with them and he stepped up to the plate. I think it's not too late for a 9 year old, good luck! SD is dancing, turning tricks and dealing drugs currently and NOT allowed to come back here. With some kids no amount of counsel works, SD being one of them, so I urge you now to get counsel of your own...hear me? Please, do not lose ANY part of YOU like I did!
Newsflash... boys are not
Newsflash... boys are not very open about their feelings. I would ask my own sons and my ssons 'what do you think"' and I would get shoulder shrug (does he care?)/ 'I don't know (is he stupid?) nod or shake of the head (has he got laryngitis).
As for the lying ... I would say "Well if you really ate cereal thank you for washing up after yourself and putting everything away. Good Job! If you are not telling me the truth there is nothing until lunch/dinner."
Kids will lie to put off the inevitable. Yes I cleaned my room (so i can watch a few more minutes of this movie until, she finds out)/ yes I did my homework (I hate maths and the longer it takes to get to doing it works for me).
You cannot love your sson as your own because he is not. If you had known him from infanthood it may be different. But the best you can get to is loving aunt mode. And this is perfectly OK as well.
I agree with you, I'd say
I agree with you, I'd say that girls are just as good at that crap as boys are. That's just what I mean about calling them out on fibs too...LOL. Great start to counsel right here with us and good luck!