I love my husband, however, I'm starting to forget all the reasons why I married him in the first place. There seems to be so many more obstacles now that we're married and seems to be so MUCH more work than ever expected. You see I was always an active person. Whether is was hiking or walking or taking my very beloved dog to the park (which I had to give away when I decided to move with my husband to his home state....a decision I regret with my whole heart). When I met my husband I was under the false impression that he was a rather active person also because he used to work for a hunting ranch and I thought that was a pretty physically demanding position. I always thought to myself that it was okay if he hung out at home all weekend long because most nights during the week he didn't get home until 9 or 10 at night. I never read between the lines. Stupid me. I made the decision to move with my husband and his kids 1800 miles away, gave up my dog, left all the friends I ever knew (which if you knew me was a big deal...I don't make friends very easily and the ones I have I cherish with all my heart and really only have 2 of them), left behing my mom, dad and brother all whom with I was very close. (I still call my mom every morning on my way to work, sad I know), all because I was madly in love with this man and his children. We got here.....now we never do anything, hardly ever. I was never a skinny minney my whole life regardless of how active I was and had worked REALLY hard to lose about 15 pounds before I met my husband, all of which I've gained back in a years time. This is my fault, I know. But my husband really isn't much of a help when asked to help motivate me....seems like everytime I get out and try walking he complains because I'm doing that. Then he complains about my weight. This last weekend from the moment I got home from work Friday evening until Sunday late afternoon we never once left the house. Partly because we were so broke and partly because every time I suggested something to do it was shot down. The only reason I left the house Sunday was because I was TOLD I needed to take my SS to the emergency room. I waited as long as I could before taking him the the emeregency room (My SS was in critical condition, he ended up with just having hives) just to see if my husband was going to do jack crap about HIS son. When he became apparent he was going to I did. Got to the emergency room just so I could get flack about not being any "true" relation to my SS. How was this my responsibility in the first place? No matter how I put it to my husband he can't see what was wrong with this picture. Am I wrong to think that this wasn't my responsibilty?

Last night my SD had a basketball game and it was an away game. Her games don't end until 7:30 at night which doesn't leave a whole lot of time to get home and fix dinner before the 8:00 pm bedtime for both SS and SD. So after the game I suggested McDonald's drive through thinking that we had money, our debit card was denied. Ever since I was old enough to have a job and make bills for myself I've been responsible enough to pay them every month, the full amount and on time. I never once have overdrawn my checking account. If I didn't have money for it I wouldn't buy it. Since meeting my husband and marrying him we've overdrawn our checking account 4 times all in a years time. He has the worst mentality about money ever. I've sat down and talked all this out with him, screamed at him, cryed at him and nothing seems to work on him. Thought last night should have been an eye opener seeing as how he was in the truck with me when the card was declined. Instead he tells me I need to go to the gas station so he can buy chew. Explosive doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. But I couldn't say too much because the kids were in the truck. I never realized how selfish, self involved, money spending, lazy my husband was until now. I hear a lot of "me me me" when he talks. This is probably a seriously petty thing but ever since I moved with him, he's talked about trading MY truck in so we could get a brand new vehicle that he can drive around while I would get his truck that is supposedly better on gas mileage, 2 wheel drive, piece of poop that's been rolled. Now before jumping to conclusions let me give a little back ground info so you have the whole story. He's a self employed insurance angent so he relies heavily on his vehicle, he picks the kids up from daycare most days and his truck is only a two door and the seats are broken so an 11 year old and a 8 year old have to crawl over the seats to get to the back extended cab part. At first I was very understanding about this truck trading buying a new vehicle situation. But then it dawned on me how unfair this really seems. It's my truck in the first place and he's wanting to take that away and get a new vehicle that he told me would be only in his name to give me a piece of shit that really isn't mine because my name isn't on it. Last night at my SD's game he kept going on and on about how he needed new shirts and pants for work and blah blah. I haven't bought any clothes for myself except for 2 shirts in 2 years. I'm the only one who brings in a steady income and when the money doesn't come in on his part it always seems to fall on the times of the month when my bills are due. So my bills are now not getting paid. Then the whole thing with him wanting chew after we couldn't get dinner for everyone last night....I'm at my wits end.

I guess the biggest thing I have a problem with is that he'll lay in bed on the weekends and tell the kids to clean their room just so they'll stay out of his hair. His SD needs new pants because she's outgrown all the ones she's wearing because at dinner he makes her eat what's left (for example: if there's 1/4 plate of fries left on the plate he'll make her finish those) so she now eats a lot without him making her. Add extra food to her diet, little to no activity, and she's got a little belly on her that won't fit into rather brand new pants that I bought for her for Christmas that were at that time a size too big. I spent $400 on Christmas for clothes alone for these kids (most of which now have stains and rips in them). With his spending habit and lack of income it was a huge chore for me to come up with the money for that.

I'm extremely tired. I don't sleep well and haven't slept well in weeks. I have a hard time getting up in the morning. It has been an unspoken agreement between me and my husband that I get the kids up and around in the morning and get them on the bus to school because he picks them up at night and starts dinner because most nights he's home before me. My SS is a very forgetful little boy and he's just as lazy as his dad (HHHHmmmmmm wonder where he could have gotten that trait!) and he tends to do a lot of things half ass (Please excuse my language I'm just way disappointed in life right now). Every morning it's the same thing. He has an hour to do five things, put CLEAN clothes on, brush his teeth, brush his hair, let the dog out to go potty, and get his things ready for school. Every morning there's at least one thing he can't seem to get done. So I'm constantly on him. So after the current happenings (the debit card being declined and the inability to pay bills this week and what not) I had what I refer to as a "Come Apart" at my poor SS this morning. His sister and him spent 15 minutes arguing about the dog after we went over the duties last night, they weren't dressed until 7:15 when they have to be on the bus at 7:30 and neither one had their teeth or hair brushed let alone their things together for school. Now my SD is really good about getting things done so I'm not sure what her deal was this morning. However, my SS never fixed problems on his homework last night so I had to make him do it this morning. Then I made the Nazi mom decision this morning after seeing his homework grades from last week. The last two weeks he's brought home homework grades of D's on pretty much everything. I told him that he doesn't get to go to boyscouts for the rest of the month because of his grades. Part of this was because I was tired and mad at everything that I think I tool it out on him.

I would like to go to counseling, I would like us all to go. But we never seem to have any money to be able to.

I'm sorry I just really needed to vent this morning. Thank you to those who read this.