SD11's first visit in 4 months
My husband picked up SD on Saturday morning. BM still made him do most of the driving "as per the court order" (she loves to pick and choose what she follows from the CO). My husband brought DD7 with him for the ride, both ways.
When they got to the house, SD seemed.....normal. This is a child who was apparently "frightened and abused" not long ago, yet she just walked into our house as though nothing had changed. The girls went downstairs to play. SD noticed her bed was gone but didn't seem to care. We didn't say anything about new sleeping arrangements. I took DS2 and left for a good part of the day. I would've liked to take DD but she was so excited to have SD there.
The visit wasn't bad overall. It felt like when one of our nieces comes to play for the day. I don't imagine there was any pressure on SD since she didn't have to spend the night. When SD turns 12 in a year, I'm sure BM will be dragging her into a court room to testify that we're horrible people and that she doesn't want to visit anymore. I think we would be better off to beat BM to the punch and just keep visitation with SD more casual. If my husband doesn't enforce the CO and demand that SD comes for overnights, then it gives BM less of a reason to make trouble for us. I mean, yes, BM would "win", but we've been put in such a precarious situation that we don't have a lot of options.
I'm still anticipating that SOMETHING will come from this visit on BM's end. We probably served the wrong meal for supper or looked at SD the wrong way at some point. My husband had to stop at one of our rental properties - a house we used to live in and was recently trashed by tenants - on the way to drop off SD, so maybe BM will come up with some nonsense that it traumatized SD to see her former home in the state it was in.
The only thing that annoyed me was my husband's use of DD7 as a buffer between him and SD. He wasn't alone with SD at all and to be honest, he hardly talked to her. I think this should have been used as an opportunity to find out what she's really thinking, but he's so scared of her and BM. He was happy just to watch TV while the girls played in the next room.
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Comments
I'm glad it went okay... BM
I'm glad it went okay... BM probably will come up with something. However your DH having DD7 there might actually work in his favor. She's 7 but I'm sure observant. Not being alone means that she can't start throwing accusations around about "what happened when they were alone." Becuase they weren't. So maybe that will be good.
You've got a great point. As
You've got a great point. As I was typing this I started thinking the same thing.
.....although.....when the alleged "absue" took place, DD was there and no one seems to care when we keep pointing it out.
Witnesses are normally the
Witnesses are normally the best to have.
Well this time if anyone throws the "abuse" crap around again just point out that DD7 has never complained to you about it and that she was with them both the whole time (preferably in writing...).
I'm glad that SD came over for the sake of your DD
I'm sure she loved that.
Thanks. Yes, DD was very
Thanks. Yes, DD was very happy to see her sister. It was worth it for her sake. But next time I would like him to have to spend some time alone with SD.
I am glad too
More than likely this was just a game for BM to make your DH understand that she is in control. He will now be kissing her behind and SD's behind because he will be too scared not to do it. I really wished he would have not played this game with her. BM will always be in control now and she knows it. I am willing to bet that if he stated that he wasn't going to see SD on her terms, BM would have caved eventually. BM needs a "free babysitter".
Maybe for the next visit you can have plans with your BD and BS. Your DH really needs to talk to SD. I really think they should go to counseling together.
When SD would visit here, DH didn't talk to her that much. She spent most of her time with me. I kept informing DH that she came to see HIM not ME. BM and SD played the abuse game. SD wanted DH all to herself. Guess what!!!! She has him all to herself now. She doesn't come to my house for visits anymore. When the abuse crap started, DH started seeing SD outside of the house. She was 11 years old. She got daddy all to herself. Within a few weeks, she wanted to come to my house and watch tv. NOPE, not happening. You get to hang out with daddy and Daisymaisy is no longer involved in that mess. BM and SD both cried and begged but it didn't work on me. I am NOT playing that game. DH still walks on eggshells with both BM and SD. It can be sickening. I just ignore it and let him handle it.
Now that SD is older, she has made the decision not to come here. I guess her decision was some kind of threat but she still isn't coming here. She has a lot of mental, behavioral, and drug (prescription) issues. I am terrified of what she could be capable of doing now that she is 16.
I'm definitely not impressed
I'm definitely not impressed that my husband won't grow a pair and stand up to BM. You're totally right - he's going to be kissing their @sses forever now.
I wasn't happy that he told DD ahead of time that SD was coming. I told him that we don't know SD is coming until she's in his truck because we don't know when BM is going to pull another stunt. He is NOT to get DD excited ahead of time anymore.
I always have to be the one to bring up this topic and ask my husband what his plans are. He agrees that we need to do something, but he just won't do it without me hounding him about it. If he doesn't do anything, I've decided that the next time SD is to visit, I won't allow DD to go along for the ride. I will take my kids and leave the house for part of the day so that when he gets back with SD we will be gone and he will have to spend some time alone with her.
Was your husband agreeable to seeing your SD outside of the house? That's actually how I would prefer this to go, but my husband would never do it.
I understand
He shouldn't have told your DD about any of it. It could have been a "surprise" for her.
In the beginning my DH wasn't agreeable to seeing SD outside of the home. I had talked to a lawyer friend who suggusted for him to see her in a public place and for me to stay away from her. After the lawyer talked to DH, he was more than willing to see her outside of the house. SD hasn't been in my house since she was 11 years old. She is now 16.
See, that's my husband's
See, that's my husband's thing too. He won't listen to me or consider how this has impacted me, but he would listen to a third party. We were supposed to see a couples' counsellor last night but we had to cancel the appointment when our babyistter bailed on us.
The next time SD would be scheduled to visit is on a weekend that we already have plans to go away. I told my husband he needs to email BM and TELL her what works for us - that SD can't come that weekend but the following weekend would work, or any day of the following week because he's taking a week off. I just know he's putting it off because he's actually thinking he'd rather ASK BM if SD can come on the trip with us. I hate that he keeps putting himself in a position for her to be able to say NO to him. And even if she said yes, I don't want SD coming on the trip with us. It's too soon.