Blowing off some steam after weekend with the stepkids
I wrote here yesterday, to blow off some steam from the horrible weekend I was having. Today I'm in a bit clearer state of mind and can give a little more objective detail. So, I am 25 and my partner is 40. He has two small children from his previous relationship - 2yo and 3 1/2 years-daughters. He has the kids for 3 days per week and the mother has them for the other half.
Now I have never had any experience with small kids, and I'm not a big fan of them personally, I believe I will never have my own biological kids. It's just not me. But I'm in love with a man who has them and I need to accept all of them. I wrote yesterday that his kids are bratty, but I know deep down that shitty parenting creates bratty kids. I don't think kids are horrible just because. It's really a matter of what their parents let them get away with.
His older child sometime behaves like she needs serious help. She will freak out before leaving the house, if she doesnt want to dress, out in her shoes, eat this or that. It's not a sporadic thing, it happens all the time. The very thought of leaving the house makes me shudder for what's to come. It's insane that a little person can terrorise the entire household and make everyone dance to her music. I would never get away with that kind of thing.
And the worst part? The truth is I hate being around his kids but really only when he is around. When I happen to take care of them for a few hours they don't try any of that crap with me. We do fun things together, or just everyday activities, like eating dressing and whatever, and the older one never starts the ridiculous tantrums she does when her dad is around. She tried a few times, and I didn't budge or give in to her whining.
When it's me and him and we want to take them out for a walk or go to the mountains it takes us 4 hours to leave the house. This is not and exaggeration! They are constantly whining, hungry, sleepy, throwing tantrums and it is impossible to leave. When I am alone with them I get them dressed and we leave in like 15 minutes. It's ridiculous. I really dread spending time with them and their dad.
Bottom line is, I love my partner and spending time with him. His kids are fine when dad isnt there. I hate being with all three of them together. The thought of a weekend away with them is enough to make me sick. We seriously go away to the mountains and are stuck in a hotel for the whole trip because his kids whine and it's impossible to go out with them for more than an hour. It's ridiculous and I feel like I'm wasting time there when I'd prefer to be out there hiking etc. Does having kids have to mean you are practically handicapped? Does it have to be so freaking miserable???
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First, I LOVE hiking!!! And I
First, I LOVE hiking!!! And I've got the skids into it too *diablo*
Having the skids doesn't mean it has to be miserable all the time. You and your partner need to come up with a parenting style that doesn't leave them as whiny little things... Which it sounds like means daddy dearest needs to stop giving in to their every whim and lay down the law like you already have.
You can still get out hiking. Find a sitter, or go by yourself. I go to the gym every morning at 3 am. Because I love it. And sometimes you just need to do what you love, kids or no kids. If he can't handle them you may have to hike alone sometimes until he learns to stop dealing with thier crap.
Loving someone doesn't mean
Loving someone doesn't mean it's a good relationship. You hate how he parents. You're going to be dealing with the effects of his lackluster parenting for years. Even if you disengage, you're still going to deal with the fallout - the tantrums, the fights to do anything, etc.
The fact of the matter is that you want things your SO can't or won't provide. You want order; he delivers chaos. You want freedom; he is weighed down. No amount of love can fix that.
Ultimately, you can't accept his kids or how he parents. That is as big a problem as not agreeing on future children, or where to live, or how you'll save and spend money. We preach a lot on here about disengagement, but it really only works for those folks who are fine with being indepedent from their spouse and doing things on their own. While I can personally disengage from certain topics as they relate to my SSs, I could never disengage to the point where I would always be struck doing things on my own because I didn't want to do things with bratty kids. If my DH weren't such a hardass on the SSs where it matters, I couldn't be with him.
You have at least 10 years before you can reasonably leave the kids on their own to do things with your SO without a babysitter. That is 10 years before you can take a full day with him somewhere if his girls are with him. 10 years watching him parent in a lackluster fashion. And in 10 years, when you're in your prime, he'll be getting tired. By the time the youngest graduates high school, you're SO will be ready to retire and you'll still have 20 years of hiking and exploring you'll want to do. He'll be in grandpa mode while you're still in your (albeit later) prime.
Think long and hard if this is what you want. You may love him, but is it worth feeling like you want to be sick on EVERY vacation you two want to take? Is it worth watching your SO cater to a toddler? Is it worth giving up what you want?
I'm not saying you should leave, but I do think you need to figure out if your SO is truly Mr. Right or just Mr. Right Now.
Preschool age kids are like
Preschool age kids are like little terrorists. My youngest is four and still acts like this. You’ve got a lot of years left with life revolving around little ones.
How open is your SO to taking
How open is your SO to taking your lead in parenting? If he acknowledges any of their bad behavior, maybe you can suggest he follow your lead and see what happens. You don't have to paint it as you knowing better. Paint it as, "You know, when I'm alone with them they're so much more manageable. Why don't we try XYZ from now on?" Maybe it won't work as long as he's there; maybe he won't be willing to set boundaries on them. But it's at least worth a try if he's not all defensive about his kids yet - because when they're older and the bad behavior is more disruptive, he probably will be defensive and it will drive a wedge between you.
You have a long time ahead of you. Now is really the time to make a change that could make that time more bearable.
You are making a big mistake
You are making a big mistake staying in this relationship but it is your mistake to make. I have no advice for you since you refuse to listen to the common sense advice of find someone your own age without kids. Good luck to you.