Tell me what you think!
I need some advice from other step-parents, seriously! I live with my SO & we share household expenses equally. His 27 year old married daughter is graduating from college and wants to move back into our home rent free & bill free indefinintely along with her husband and three cats. The two of them are not good housekeepers at all! I met her once and she seemed like a lovely girl, however, once I moved in with her dad her attitude changed and now not even common courtesies come from her side. No plan is in place and nothing has been discussed with me. The cats have destroyed their apartment; they pee and spray everywhere. I suggested boarding the cats and that was shot down. Her dad is not the only family in the area; he is just the only one willing to tolerate her lazy, rude husband. He wants to go to college and not work (he's 29 years old) (hard eye roll). My SO has recently informed me that he told them the only thing they are responsible for is buying their own food. I am already very resentful! I have raised my children well and do not feel it is my responsibility to give two able-bodied adults a free ride. I believe my SO & his daughter have a bit of a co-dependent relationship and he does not want to tell her "No" to anything. I believe boundaries and a plan need to be put in place before they arrive. Her dad is is extremely defensive whenever I bring up this subject, no mater how gently. Anyone else with me on this?
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Since you share expenses
Since you share expenses equally, you should have equal say.
If he wants 2 extra people to move in and expects you to pay their share equally, you have a right to say no... if you can't prevent them from moving in, you can certainly make it clear that YOUR expenses WILL NOT be increased because of HIS decision.
I'd force him to have a rental agreement in place between ALL of you, that YOU can also enforce.
This would be a hard NO from
This would be a hard NO from me.
I would make it very clear that you are against supporting your SO's adult daughter and SIL. And if he chooses to continue down this path your only choice would be to find separate living arrangements.
This would be a deal breaker
This would be a deal breaker for me.
My once SD asked if she, her husband, and their 2 kids could "stay" with us for awhile. They had stopped paying their rent so moved out in the middle of the night to BM's, but did not like her rules.
"Absolutely not!", was my answer when DH informed me that SD had asked him. I had a slight pang of guilt, wondering if I was being too selfish, which is how I found this site (and my guilt was relieved).
Back when DH and I started living together, we had agreed that nobody else lives with us. It's hard on a relationship and it's hard getting them out.
I don't like living with people to begin with, add kids or animals? NO.
And, I agree with wildstang, you get to live there for free, also. But frankly, I just could not do it.
Your SO has already told them that they can move in? You were not in on this decision? I could not live with someone who had so little respect for me and our life together.
Came here to say this would
Came here to say this would be a deal breaker for me, too. No way would I agree to that. And he wants them not to even pay anything or have any end date for leaving?
Why in the world would you even entertain that idea? They can get jobs and cheap housing like other grown-ups do when they go to school.
She has supposedly turned
She has supposedly turned down four job offers in their home state already, so am in baffled as to why we are taking on this burden? They can both work for a year or two, save their money and move back thenif they choose to. That's called ADULTING!
She rejected FOUR jobs?
Good God. You do not want this mess. Neither does your DH except that he's feeling like he should be the daddy. What she and her hubby need is for him to be her father (stricter and holding her to some standards) and NOT let them come to be kids again.
I would refuse to live with
I would refuse to live with the 27 year old daughter and her 29 year old free-loader husband. It would be a non-starter. If your SO agrees to them moving in over your objections, you know exactly where you stand, and you can avoid living with them by moving out.
Nope. 2 adults capable of
Nope. 2 adults capable of income, no kids, and rude to you on top of it? I wouldnt even consider it.
Okay so first. Don't get me
Okay so first. Don't get me wrong. We lived with my in-laws for a year and a half. It was going to be a few months, then extended because Psycho defaulted on stuff. BUT we had full permission, ran it by BOTH his parents, contributed to household expenses, pretty well did ALL the household work, etc. yes we were technically rent free. But often we would buy and cook for EVERYONE. Becuase we lived there. We were also working the whole time to get out.
That being said. This scenario would be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't stand for his kids moving in, especially since it fully sounds like they won't be working to get out and they won't be contributing to the household. They'll literally just be taking advantage, which since it's shared finances and a shared home. It won't just be of your SO, it'll also be of you. Which isn't fair. He needs to pick. Are you important, or is enabling his daughter and her loser husband important?
No, no, and NO! It will be a
No, no, and NO! It will be a life of misery for you while they get to mooch off of you and DH.
It's a no from me. And he
It's a no from me. And he expects you to continue paying half, while having no say about them even being there?? I'm sure he does get defensive and angry when you bring it up, he probably realizes it's ridiculous and he's hoping if he just goes with the angry approach you will sit by silently and let it all happen, for fear of upsetting him.
If...IF you reluctantly agreed to even allow them to live there, I would say on the terms that you are no longer paying 1/2 of the bills- You will pay 1/4, just to cover yourself. You don't want this, there is no way in hell you should pay for HIS grown kid and her husband. And then also have an agreement in place that says how long they will live there (6 months max), what housework they will do, what bills they will pay, etc. Tell your SO that it's either this deal or no deal, and you are ready to begin looking for a new place to live if he won't agree to it. Let's see how he likes footing the bill for the two of them on his own.
At this point, this conversation is going to be a disagreement, so might as well stick to your guns and act accordingly.
This.
This.
If my husband was dead set on this, which IMO, would be a dealbreaker, I would at the very least demand the house turn into a roommate scenario. Since he's making decisions without consulting you, you're no longer a team but roommates living together. Two more adults are moving in, so now the rent and housework are split 4 ways. If HE chooses to pay his daughter and her husbands portion of the rent and do their chores, that's his problem. But YOU only do 1/4 of everything now.
Not cool. I would be furious. My husband once offered our place to my SIL and her husband/kids until they "get on their feet" and he immediately tried to backtrack because he realized he should have talked to me first. They were stuck on coming and he told me he would take it back if I wanted him to but he already offered, so I said whatever, your problem though. They lasted 2 monthes before my husband BLEW UP and told them to get the f out because they live like dirty hamsters and he's disgusted by it.
He literally lost it and it was hilarious lol but anyway, yeah, I wouldn't put up with this.
The only answer you're going
The only answer you're going to get here is NO. Some will say make sure a plan is in place or have a rental agreement but ultimately the answer is NO!
You already know the answer, NO.
So now that you have others agreeing with you, the hard part is to tell your DH.
You live with him. You know him. Will he see your side? Will he understand the toll it will take on your marriage? Will he realize how hard it will be for both of you to live with two more people and their pets? Will he set up boundaries and move out dates or will he just let SD and her DH do whatever they want?
You need to have a come to jesus talk with him, tell him all your fears and exactly why you don't want them to live with you. How he responds to you is crucial. Once you know where he stands then you can make some decisions.
Also want to add - it is not
Also want to add - it is not easy to get someone out of your house if you want them to leave. Letting them live there is giving them some rights so you can't just kick them out all of a sudden and if they fight it it can be a long process with lots of drama and possible court fees. Just something to consider.
His 27 year old married
His 27 year old married daughter is graduating from college and wants to move back into our home rent free & bill free indefinitely along with her husband and three cats.
^^^^^^^^^^^ Two grown @ss adults, nothing wrong with them but your SO wants to take on the burden of having them live with you both and 3 cats to boot???? Hell NO!!!
No plan is in place and nothing has been discussed with me.
^^^^^^^^^^^^This alone would have been enough to have me pack my bags and go. Why does your SO have so little regard for you and what you think? Do you plan to marry in the near future? If so, I'd reconsider this relationship.
Does he let you live rent-free?
If he's letting adults in the house live rent-free then that should include you. No reason why only two adults out of the four support the household.
I could see if there were some sort of tragedy, like their house or apartment burned down, but just because they don't want to "adult" is not a reason to let them move in and be kids again.
Add: Also, if they are so lazy that they cannot teach their cats to behave properly then how does your DH think the "adults" and the cats will behave at your house?
Just say NO
If they do move in. I would only pay 1/4 of the bills. If that much, I would have DH get a cleaning service to clean up after his DD and her SO. I would only do 1/4 of the work. Only cook every fourth day. Day 1 SD, day 2 her SO, day 3, DH Day 4, you. On your day it’s hot dogs, meat loaf , hamburger.
I start and exit plan also, If it comes to that. You can not have two woman in the same home, it never works
I'd be telling him he can
I'd be telling him he can live with his DD and her husband and all their poor housekeeping and non bill paying, lazy behaviour or he can live as he is now.
If they move in before you can afford to move out then only pay 1/4 of the household bills and any and all clutter they leave anywhere but in their room then it gets binned. Anything their cats destroy then HE covers the cost of the replacement.
Oh... And the cats... I
Oh... And the cats... I totally missed that point. That would likely be the most worrisome point for me here, if i'm being honest. Expect everything you own to require replacement once they leave. I'm not kidding. I've been in homes with cats that have litter problems and the smell is so strong. I have a friend who went through hell because of this. She loved her cat so much but she almost went crazy living with it - finding pee on her clothes, shoes, everywhere. She cried when she talked about it. It was such a bad situation for her. Not sure what happened, we don't talk anymore. But man, I felt so bad for her.
Frankly? I'd simply move out.
Frankly? I'd simply move out.
Update on SO's daughter & her husband moving in....
I am not certain if past commenters on this post will see this, but anyway, here goes! They arrived June 1st, all three cats in tow. She has a summer job as a nanny and, as predicted, he hangs out in our basement every day playing video games. When getting a job was mentioned, she actually DISCOURAGED him because "it's only three months until you go back to school & then you'll just have to quit!" He says he can't work because he needs to be "fresh" for college in the Fall. What a flipping joke! She has a full-time job starting in August and they have told us they plan to have their own place by September. Meanwhile, our lives have been hijacked. I expect our utility bills, to which they are not contributing, to at least double. They have taken over our kitchen, our refrigerator, they use two bathrooms instead of limiting themselves to one (one is our guest bathroom on the main level). He is a dirty slob - pees on our toilet seats & doesn't flush & of course doesn't wash his hands! I could go on and on. Although my SO does not want to admit it, I think deep down he realizes this was a bad move. I do not want this to be the beginning of the end of our relationship, but it is a character builder indeed! I cried while getting ready for work this morning due to feeling completely overwhelmed and invaded.