So much to happen at such an awkward time of year.
Sorry to blog-hog everyone, but, I'm trying really hard not to get overwhelmed by everything and trying to remind myself that there's still tomorrow to get through first before anything gets figured out. But there is just so much going on right now, and it is so much to process. And of all times, it happens during my finals week?? Grand :/
Apparently, GUBM didn't say no to SD moving out here, but, she didn't say yes, either. She said that it has been hard for her because every time she looks at SD, all she sees is SO. And that it makes her angry, which, incidentally, is why she treats SD like crap. She worries that SD living with us will make her even more like SO and she does not like the prospect of that. When SO told me this I said "Yea, well, it isn't exactly peaches and roses having SD bomb into our lives acting like a mini-GUBM, so, she should consider it even." But, SO and I both feel that since GUBM harbors so much anger and resentment towards SO, the only way for her to really get over it right now is to work and focus on herself. Like, SO told me this was the most rational conversation that he has ever had with GUBM post-SD's birth, so that's saying something about the anger and resentment she has towards him. After four years, she's finally starting to treat him like a human. Kind of.
GUBM also said that I am a concern for her, because apparently SD has run her mouth telling GUBM about how awful and mean I am because I am the only adult that doesn't worship the ground she walks upon like the second coming of Christ *eyeroll*. She didn't say exactly that. She said that she's concerned about the way I treat SD, but, SO stuck up for me (woo!) and told her that the only conflict between me and SD is the way SD treats me, that she's disrespectful and thinks it is OK to lie and be rude to me without apology.
Basically, she said she needs to talk to him about this more, but, that she didn't have the time tonight as she had a house full of people who were helping her pack. So they made a plan to talk to each other about it more at 2:00PM tomorrow. We'll see what happens.
I know that everything that happens from here on out will be determined by that conversation, but, I can't help but worry right now. Life is on the cusp of changing dramatically within less than a week. Obviously, if GUBM agrees to let SD move out here, SO will be getting her this coming weekend as that's when GUBM is planning on moving. And he'll have to enroll her in a school (after figuring out which school he can send her to) and figure out how to arrange all of this.
This is all just so much in such a short period of time. In a matter of 4 days, we found out GUBM was moving and now SD wants to move out here rather than stay with GUBM. And now we have to figure out what to do with SD if/when she moves out here. I really, really wish SD or GUBM had said something, anything about this months ago. We could have had a better chance of doing something about this in a more timely manner then. Ugh.
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Every time SD has moved in
Every time SD has moved in with us it has been under some sort of immediate crisis circumstances too. The first time was after a huge screaming match between BM and SD (then 11), and BM called DH telling him to come get his kid RIGHT NOW. SD was already on the porch with garbage bags of her things when I arrived ten minutes later. We had no warning, no time to plan. SD moved back to BM's after three months.
The second time BM called DH at work and told him she was moving out of state. SD did not want to leave her high school, so BM dropped her off at our home on her way out of town. Again, garbage bags full of SD's things, and I was four months pregnant. After rearranging our tiny apartment to accommodate her, and going through the motions of changing our entire lives and schedules to make things work for her, BM decided five weeks later that she didn't want to move permanently. She called SD and told her she was coming back, and picked her up on her way back home, with SD bounding out the door without even a goodbye to us.
The third time was another screaming match, and BM dropped her off at our doorstep unannounced. Again, total life change for us and our DD's, and again they kissed and made up after a little over a month.
The fourth time seemed much different. Same situation with SD being kicked out for a small infraction (this time it was for spending a few hours with me, which is the ultimate betrayal as far as BM is concerned), but SD kept saying how tired of the back and forth she was, and how she wanted to stay with us permanently. We were very wary, and waited five months to file for a change in custody and CS mod. We'd been down that road way too many times to really believe she would stay, but SD really seemed to want a change in her life. It lasted a year and two weeks. SD moved back to BM's (after almost seven months of no contact with her) to avoid consequences for breaking our house rules.
We haven't had any contact with SD (now almost 18) since she moved out (almost seven months ago), because we're tired of chasing her, she refuses to return our attempts at contact, and BM intercepts communications and has to be involved in some way (they are a package deal).
I guess the point of my story is that it wouldn't surprise me if your SD vacillates on where she wants to live based on which house has less rules and structure. It's possible that she'll take a break from BM and want to move back after they make nice with each other. Be careful about changing the current CO for custody and CS. You can always take BM to small claims if there is an overpayment of CS, but there is a ton of money to be lost if you go through a modification on all ends, and you may see this pattern happen more than once in your SD's teen years. I would also suggest being very careful about how much of your personal business you allow SD to know, because God knows it'll be used against you, no matter how innocuous.
Good luck....
This is one thing that I
This is one thing that I worry about because this is NOT the first time that SD has made this request. Last year, SD visited us right after Christmas over her winter break and at the end of her visit was in tears not wanting to go home because GUBM treats her poorly when they disagree about things. We both told her she was welcome to move out here and SO was ready to go take GUBM to court for custody. He hesitated for whatever reason in actually obtaining a lawyer and SD wound up changing her mind after a month. Then, a few months later, SO got a text message from SD in the middle of the day saying "I changed my mind, I want to come live with you" because she got into an argument with her friend at school. SO was asleep, so, by the time he responded to her (four hours later) she had calmed down and said "my bad". So, yes, I'm definitely worried that SD will move out here and then change her mind after a few months.
She swears she understands that we have house rules and expectations, but, this is definitely an emotionally charged decision all around. Her mom will be making her move next Friday and we only found out on Thursday, so, she didn't have a lot of time to think it through. And I'm not even sure that she and GUBM are fighting right now. I think SD is just blah about everything and GUBM notices it. From what SO told me, she and SD do talk about SD's blah-ness about life in south Jersey and, from what SD says, they haven't been fighting. So, I feel like it would be more along the lines of SD thinking life out here is too hard with all the rules and expectations.
SO made it clear to her last year when she wanted to move out here that he wasn't going to tolerate her moving here for a month or two and then trying to run away from her problems again, because that won't make her situation any easier. He told her that if she moved out here and then decided in a few months that she wanted to go back to GUBM's that she would have to live there for a while before he would entertain moving her back here (barring GUBM beating the snot out of her, of course). Running away from problems is GUBM's MO, so, I'm rightly worried about that being the case with SD as she is a mini-GUBM when she's with us. And part of her reasoning for wanting to move is because she thinks moving will help her be able to better connect with people (but not without a severe attitude change, that's for sure). I'm not sure if SO still has this opinion on the matter or not. I'm thinking most likely because he wants his daughter to be in a stable sitaution and not be bounced around every couple of years to a new school and town.
SO and GUBM don't have any sort of formal custody agreement and no formal CS order, so, there won't be any legal fees incurred, but, I do think that's one thing SO needs to work on this week as well. Nothing formal, per se, but, something that he and GUBM can have copies of that they have both signed so they can hold each other accountable. They don't have anything like that even now, they're both just operating on good faith, which is risky.
I think GUBM is afraid of SO sticking it to her like she has stuck it to him these last three years. GUBM made it clear to SO tonight that she can't afford to pay him the same amount of CS that he has been paying her, but, we both knew that. She's lazy and doesn't work. So, something needs to be written up to keep her accountable for what she says she will do and to give her any bit of peace of mind that SO will be accountable for what he will do (even though he always has been as far as SD goes).
Of course, this is all contingent on GUBM agreeing to let SD move out here. And while I might be nervous, stressed, and hesitant about this possibility, I do agree with SO that if she wants to move out here, she should be allowed to. I just fear the repercussions of that loaded statement should she decide that she really liked it at GUBM's better. Heck, I just fear the repercussions of SO telling SD that if she wants to do something she should be allowed to do it in general. This is an entitled princess we're talking about here.
Your situation is so very
Your situation is so very similar to what ours was. After going through the "She's here!! She's gone. She's back!! Nope, she's gone again." thing so many times, DH told SD the last time she moved that if she goes back to BM's again before high school graduation, then he cannot allow her to live here again. It was very painful to say that to her, because we love her and want a good life for her, but it was excruciating when she'd choose BM's house of horrors over us. It just got worse and worse each time. We'd spend tons of time and money to get her set up at our place, change her enrollment forms at school, deal with the fallout, threats, and harassment from BM, and then it was as if SD had just forgotten overnight all of the terrible things BM had done and said to her, and us.
I was fairly healthy the first time SD moved in. But after that many times, watching her skip merrily back to crazy with her arms full of all the goodies we'd scrimped to afford her, seeing it take our oldest DD longer and longer to regain her happy disposition; it was just too much. It is still difficult not to dwell on it. She sucked the very life out of me and strained our marriage, but the effect on our DD12 was the biggest factor in not letting SD return. We're open to communications and visits (although we're not okay with her attempts to circumvent us and contact DD12 without opening dialogue with us first), but at this point SD is not interested in being a part of our lives or letting us into hers. Honestly it is a relief in a lot of ways. To watch DH and our DD's be treated as disposable is untenable for me. The SM always seems to be someone the skid can take or leave, so I've loosely come to terms with that.
I hope your SD has more of a conscience than mine does. I hope that she understands better the dedication you guys are showing her by offering her a safe place to land. I really hope that BM doesn't turn this into a game of who can be the "winner", or use her daughter to mess with your heads. It's tough. But I can't say that even if I'd known what the outcome would be, I would have been able to turn her away. I really just wanted her to be happy and safe, and she was with us. Now....not so much.
Yea, I can definitely see
Yea, I can definitely see something like that happening. SD does not make a huge effort to let SO know she wants to have a relationship with him when she's not here (unless it directly benefits her) and she doesn't do anything when she visits us to let us know she wants to be a part of this family. So I can't really say if she does have more of a conscience. As far as SD is concerned about me she doesn't lol. I guess I just have to hope that SO keeps standing up for me to SD as far as that goes. But, I understand what you mean completely about not being able to turn your SD away. It makes it really hard when you want them to have the best life possible.
So, all I can do is hope for the best, expect the worst, and demand the respect that I deserve.
So many unknowns. Keep
So many unknowns. Keep talking to your SO and def be honest about your thoughts and your fears. I also would express what you just can't tolerate so he can catch it when SD does it and realize this is something he has to deal with bc that is something unacceptable. Idk I'd be nervous too... But I guess if it's gonna happen then you might as well start it off right and be positive ... Maybe plan some xmas activities ?? I'm sure it has to be confusing for SD too... She may say she wants to move but also feel like bm doesn't care enough to fight for her. So she's gotta have mixed feelings too. it'll prob come across as major attitude and aloofness :/ but you seem very aware so I'm sure you'll be ontop of it. This will be a tough situation and emotional for all. I def would have her see a counselor ... It's hard to adjust to new rules, dif parent, dif room, dif school, dif friends. And it'll be hard on you all as well. It won't gel right away. I'd go slow but in a loving and yet firm way. She really needs stability and to not be shuffled around. Which I know you've stated the same. I wish you all the luck... I think you got this tho. Now your home has one more person to love.
(yes I'm staying positive for you lol)
I was up very late last night
I was up very late last night because I couldn't sleep. And, funnily enough, it was because my brain decided to flood itself with thoughts about how positive this really could be rather than dread about what might happen. Like, the schools that we're looking into for her might all be really good for her; heck, they're all better than the school she attends right now. One in particular that we're looking at emphasizes community within the school, healthy eating, and acts of social impressiveness (in addition to being an accelerated learning academy and having a good academic reputation). Then, I started thinking about all the things that SD and I could eventually do together once she realizes that I'm not the evil troll she thinks I am and realizes that I'm actually pretty damn fun. She just has to get past the fact that I expect her to be a respectful and decent human to other people. But there are so many neat things that I could expose her to out here in PGH on the weekends when we're both off from school (and when I don't have to work, of course). I figure that is something to work towards eventually.
It's tricky, though, because I was disengaged from her over the summer, and, I think I might re-engage a bit, unless she demonstrates that staying disengaged is still the right thing for me, of course lol. But I'm hoping that maybe she'll be at least just a smidge better than she was when she was out here this summer.
I also thought about how positive an influence living here could be on her general demeanor towards others. You can bet your backside that we'll be making sure SD keeps in touch with GUBM while she lives here. I know that I personally will not be able to stand it if SD does the same crap to GUBM that she does to SO. If GUBM doesn't make the time for SD, that's one thing, but SD will be making time to talk to GUBM at least a couple days a week. This is actually something that SO is planning on bringing up with GUBM later this afternoon, asserting to her that the reason SD calls or texts her when she visits us is because I tell her she has to keep in touch with her mom and can't just pretend like she doesn't exist. In addition to that, he's going to impress on her the fact that I will not tolerate SD being a troll about GUBM; one of the times SD and I locked horns this summer was due to the fact that SD talks crap behind GUBM's back and I was very vocal and adamant about the fact that that behavior will never be accepted in our household. So, GUBM might worry about me, but, she has no idea how much I fight for SD to maintain a positive relationship with her as much as possible (I know GUBM is toxic and is very similar to how my own mom was when I was SD's age, so let's just say I'm not going to be her personal cheerleader haha, but SD will not be disrespecting her in our house, that's for sure).
Then, I started thinking about Christmas. I thought first about how SD could actually help me make Christmas gifts for some of the relatives because I know how much she loves to craft and make things. I think that would make her feel welcome. This will actually be the first year since the split-up that SO will have SD for the entire holiday. Of course, it's probably going to be weird because we planned on going to NJ back in October when SD had told SO that she was going to stay with GUBM for Christmas. So, we'll have SD, but, we won't be home, we'll all be at various family members houses over the course of a few days. I thought about the fact that SO's mom's house will be our home base, which will be nice for SD as she'll get to see her Nana, her aunt, uncles, and her cousins (all five of her cousins should be there). And then I thought about the fact that we're planning to see SO's dad, so that'll be nice for SD as well. SD hasn't seen anyone in SO's family since we moved to PGH because GUBM couldn't be buggered to take her to see any of them after we moved. Of course, SD will also have to 'tolerate' a day at my mom's house, but, I'm sure she'll be OK with that. My sister's SS will be there and he will be someone that SD can talk to as they both have similar interests in Anime.
And then I started thinking about the little positive things on our end, like, the fact that if she lives with us, we can put SD's cell phone on our phone plan so we will be able to have hard proof if she ever sneaks her phone into her room until the wee hours of the morning. We'll be able to log onto our account and see definitively if she has or has not been texting anyone when she's not supposed to be using her phone (SD has a nasty habit of deleting text messages because GUBM likes to look through her phone; we don't do that, but, it's a carry over). Then there's the fact that SO will be able to better monitor the things that SD does when she goes online on her laptop, something GUBM never does. SD might actually become physically active living here as SO and I have been discussing the fact that she's pretty sedentary for a kid her age. And she doesn't just have the option of regular sports, which she isn't a fan of, the local roller derby league has been trying to start a junior's league for kids up to the age of 17, so, SD could check that out if she were so inclined. We will also be able to ensure that she goes to a counselor regularly so she can work through all of the things that she needs to work through.
I'm absolutely exhausted this morning because I only got about five hours of sleep, but, I'm glad that I was up all night thinking about positive things and not stressing or worrying about SD living with us. I will say that I did worry about one thing, SD's Christmas/Bday present. We had agreed upon getting her a refurbished gen 1 Xbox, but, if she moves here, we won't be doing that anymore as we already have an Xbox in the house and SO doesn't want her to have gaming consoles in her bedroom (he thinks the temptation would be too strong for her to not sit in there playing games until all hours of the night and I agree with him), so, we'll have to think of something else. But, I did think about how we could take her out to a nice dinner this weekend as her bday is on Friday. And it would be extra special because it would be a Bday/welcome to our home dinner.
Now, I just gotta wait and see how SO's convo with GUBM this afternoon goes before I get ahead of myself on any of this.