SD and I actually got a chance to talk last night for the first time ever, we just chatted about whatever she wanted to chat about for a good hour. I kept the convo light, and I didn't probe too much, but only where I felt was needed. The conversation centered a lot around her personal interests and how they differ from GUBM. And I got a little more insight into why SD has any sort of anxiety reaction when she gets corrected at our house.

Now, I still think my therapist is onto something with feeling conflicted about having boundaries, but, I think it goes beyond that. SD told me yesterday that GUBM picks on her when she makes a mistake or does something GUBM deems "wrong." Like, she doesn't just poke fun at her and let it drop, she bullies her about it, laughs at her, and makes fun of her. SD told me she doesn't like it. She said that she gets sad and that after a bit, she gets angry.

When SD told me that GUBM picks on her, I just couldn't let that drop. I didn't pry for details, but just asked if she could elaborate on what she meant by the statement - she made it more than once and in reference to not only GUBM but to GUBM's cousin, who used to be a good person in SD's eyes until she betrayed her. When she elaborated, I validated her feelings, letting her know that it isn't fun to be made fun of even for any reason, if you make a mistake because we're all human and make mistakes and that it's OK to not like that. It's one thing to poke fun at yourself, it's another thing to have another person do it and not let it drop. I also told her that it can be hard to speak up because sometimes, people don't realize that they're hurting your feelings, and you don't want to come off as too sensitive. I explained to her how I have social anxiety and that I have a far more heightened response to those things, and that it's OK to not like someone making fun of you for that, that it doesn't make you too sensitive, that it just means that you like being treated a certain way. And, yes, it might not be intentional when someone is poking fun at you, you might be misunderstanding their intentions, or what they're saying, but that you won't know if you don't speak up (Man, talk about preaching what I need to practice, huh??).

But, after she told me that, it made complete sense why she was having these reactions when FDH or I correct her behavior. She's bracing for impact. She's waiting for us to do to her what GUBM does to her. And it breaks my heart that she's gotten to that point.

The conversation was good all in all, that's for sure. I think that she felt more comfortable after all of that and that she might be starting to understand that I'm here to be an ally, not an adversary. I also can't help but wonder if there was anything external weighing on her yesterday - prior to our conversation, she was claiming that she didn't feel well and was generally quiet most of the day, following a brief venture into her bedroom with her cell phone (my thoughts? GUBM being GUBM and being up her backside and being an ass about things as per usual). For instance, GUBM can't let anything good happen in SD's life that doesn't revolve around her. Before FDH and I moved to PGH, we bought SD a sewing machine as she expressed an interest in learning how to sew. And a few years prior, I had bought SD a book about t-shirt reconstruction as she was expressing an interest even back then. She mentioned how she buys her clothes larger than she needs so she won't outgrow them quickly and I asked if she still had the machine and book. She said "Yea, I do, I have them both still actually. My mom tried to tell me that she bought them for me, but, I remember you buying me that book, and I definitely remember you both buying me that machine." Well, at least she's not completely sucked into her mom's stupid games.

I feel bad for SD after our convo because I have a few more insights into not only the anxiety reactions but also into her homelife. GUBM is haphazard and unpredictable, which I already knew, SD cannot predict what GUBM will be OK with and what she won't. As I mentioned in a previous blog, when SD acts like FDH, she gets shit, when she doesn't, she gets shit (mainly when it comes to being able to help GUBM fix her shitty computer). For instance, SD is allowed to wander around their neighborhood, on a major road, by herself, but, she's not allowed to walk three blocks alone when she goes with her mom to NYC to visit GUBM's cousin in her relatively quiet neighborhood. SD also told me that she has a book in her room of pictures of her with FDH that she has to keep hidden, because GUBM would throw it out if she ever found them. Now, I know in a previous blog I posted that I had a problem with there being a pic of GUBM just being in her room, but, if SD wanted to have pics of her with GUBM, or even pics OF GUBM, I wouldn't really care at this point in time, because it's SD's room. As long as she doesn't want to paint it black (or is prepared to paint it back afterwards if she really REALLY wants it black), she can largely do whatever she wants in her room (with the exception of illegal/adult/previously prohibited activity of course), we don't care. Would I enjoy seeing that face in my house? No, but, I wouldn't do anything to make SD feel like she couldn't have links to her mom if she were to live with us.

But, I also feel bad for SD because she thinks that her relationship with GUBM is easy, and that's largely because GUBM is an absent parent. It's really easy to get along with someone when they're not around :/ No parent should ever do anything that makes their child feel badly about themselves. And no child should ever feel like they can't speak up and protest that behavior.

I will say, though, that I am ever more astounded by how much SD is like me, and like I was at her age. Not even in the sense that she's having to deal with a BPD/NPD parent, but, in her personal tastes and interests.