OT - My half-sister
I think I had posted about this on here before, but it was likely victim to the mass wipeout that I had to perform when FDH was getting nebby and reading over my shoulder while I was on here.
But, many years ago, I got curious about my half-sister. My dad was married before he met my mom and he had a daughter. He and his first wife divorced (and somehow he managed to get my mom to pay for said divorce - my parents, real class acts) and he had visitation scheduled to see his daughter, but, he never followed through. Which is crappy of him. His reasoning was always that he was scared of his Ex's father, who always happened to be at her house when he went to go see his daughter. I can understand the intimidation factor, but, my dad gets NO pass on that whatsoever in my mind. But, other than that, I know nothing about their relationship - if they ever had one.
Curiosity drove me to seek her out through internet searching and I managed to find her information about 10 years ago. I had her name, I knew where she lived, but I did nothing with that information. I was too scared to write her a letter because my mom filled my head with the idea that she hated all of us. She might. Who knows.
Fast forward to early 2010 and I, out of curiosity, searched her on Facebook. And I found her. I hesitated to do anything with this new mode of contact. I wanted to send her a message but I was scared. I hesitated long enough and, suddenly, I could no longer message her (I guess she changed her profile settings so that only friends could message her). So, I sent her a friend request that has been hanging in limbo since then. She's never declined it and has never accepted it, it's just been left hanging.
Curiosity got the best of me the other day and I pulled up her profile. Now, people who aren't her friends can message her. And I want to send her a message so badly. I just don't even know where to begin or what to say.
FDH is nervous for me because he knows how sensitive a person I am, especially when it comes to familial rejection. I figure the worst thing that could happen would be that she ignores my message or tells me to bugger off and never contact her again. But I feel that I need to try, if I never try, I'll wind up regretting that.
I'm just nervous about what to write and what to say. How do I even begin something like that? "Hi, you may or may not be my half-sister, and I apologize for intruding on your life but I wanted to touch base, find out if you are my half-sister, and say hello?" Is it even worth trying? Part of me says yes, but part of me says no.
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I say try. It may go well
I say try. It may go well and if not, it will give you some closure and confirm what your mom has said. I doubt it after all these years that a sister would have that much animosity. Write a simple note and ask to connect. You are not your father and you are not his mistakes.
Yea, closure is the general
Yea, closure is the general outcome regardless of her response and that's what I want either way. If I get to connect with her in doing so then that's a bonus, I think.
FDH mentioned something a
FDH mentioned something a while ago, when I first found her on facebook, about how he wondered if she has any of the medical issues that I have - because my mom and sister don't, and my grandmother only had Ischemic Colitis towards the end of her life. He said he wouldn't be surprised becuase he thinks we look alike (which we kind of do, she looks more like the femme version of my dad whereas I look a little like my dad and more like his one sister) and we have a lot of similar interests based on what you can tell from a facebook profile.
Now I just gotta work on not sounding creepy or weird lol.
THIS Make sure she knows its
THIS
Make sure she knows its not on behalf of your father, I feel this is important.
And don't feel rejected, look how long it took you to act on it, she maybe hasn't had enough time to work up her courage - so don't feel rejected.
Yea, I figure that any tinges
Yea, I figure that any tinges of rejction I feel I can just hash out in therapy lol. But, at this point, after three years of my friend request hanging in limbo (I sent it when I couldn't message her), I feel that any rejection I may have felt has been worked out of my system. And it would be pretty par for the course for me and overshadowed by the rejection issues I'm still working on in terms of my mom and sister.
That's a good idea, to
That's a good idea, to acknowledge the abandonment.
Though something in the very back of my mind says "what if your mom was just talking shit about your dad?" Because, unfortunately, all the info I have about his relationship with her came from a very angry BPD woman who tried to alienate me from my dad after he died. That would be my luck, to say something about that to her and her to be like "what are you talking about? I had a great relationship with him."
I've gotten friend requests
I've gotten friend requests and messages that I didn't notice for several months. Depending on your settings I think some of them just don't show up. Also, when I've gotten friend requests from people I don't know, I've just deleted them. So it could just be a genuine oversight or lack of knowing what was going on.
I think the advice of writing a letter you'd like to receive - with little emotional weight - is good.
How about: Dear Possible Half-Sister, I think we might have the same father. My father was named xyz and lived in this area. His marriage to my mother was his second. If we're related, I'm very curious about some health issues and also about what he was like in your life. I'd love to hear back from you sometime.
Signed, ATMC
And you know, some people are just weird. One of my cousins has gotten married, had two kids, moved all over the world including living in my city, posts regularly on FB but has never responded or acknowledged any message or card (congratulations, happy b'day) etc sent. So I don't bother anymore... but there's no doubt they're family, just doubt that they're able to ascend the grand heights of common courtesy. Meh.
Hm, that is true. I check
Hm, that is true. I check both of my facebook inboxes when I go on at least once a week, though, because I'm weird like that - and I love laughing at the scam messages I get on facebook ("I'm writing on behalf of such-a-such relative who was a national of my country and left behind $6 billion dollars for you!").