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FRUSTRATING, get your own life......

Annap's picture

Submitted by Annap on Wed, 07/06/2011 - 6:33pm

}:) So besides the issues I am having with SD17 and SD17, the elder SD21 came home (from Uni) for a week of holidays. I have had my issues with SD21 as she is lazy, unhelpful and thinks that the world revolves around her. Her father does not see this (or does not want to!) and thinks nothing of it. We have been talking about marriage for the last couple of months and decided to let the skids know and what they think. The younger skids seem to be ok with it, don't want to involved in the actual ceremony but support it to a degree, which we are all happy with. BD brought it up with SD21 the other day and well the world revolves around her once again. Not only dies she think she does not know me that well, ( I have been living here for the last 5 years, although she did go to boarding school then off to uni) but she thinks it's a bad idea as she has already lost one parent (6.5 year ago their mother passed away) and does not want to lose another, hey don't worry about your fathers happiness will you!
This child (although 21 acts like she is 16) only thinks of herself. She even went to the trouble of telling her BD that he should have waited to get into a relationship, hey again don't worry about your father and his feelings. So after hearing this I feel like utter s*&t and like I am only 2 inches tall. This skid does not live with us and sees us only 3 times a year but still has the last say on my relationship. SD 21 should be out living her own life and not worrying about her fathers, there will come a time when she won;t care and hopefully she will have her own life, but why can she not let her father be happy.
Yet again this turns around on me, as I retreat, go silent and exclude myself. I know this is not the answer but otherwise I will tell her what a spoilt brat she is and she needs to grow up and stop being so immature and be happy that her father has found someone.
My partner does not see it from my angle, and if anything it is me who has the problem and have to work my way around it. But how can you when you feel like everyone is saying you are in the wrong. I know marriage will not change the way our relationship is, but for me it is the commitment and it shows everyone our love for each other and will make me complete. Is it asking too much, or do i take back seat once again in what I want??

Comments

Sweetnothings's picture

Submitted by Sweetnothings on Wed, 07/06/2011 - 6:49pm

Snap !!! My SD21 was the same, seemed to be indifferent to us marrying, DH just thought it was the usual teenage angst !!! Then we found out later she had been posting to the World and her so called friends that she had " issues" with this marriage !!! Never breathed a word to us. I didn't have bridesmaids, so all she had to do was just sit there, pose for a photo or two and then done!! We even delayed having a Honeymoon, because of the Skids !!!
I was already living with DH for several years before we married anyway...so what on earth were her "issues" ???

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Wed, 07/06/2011 - 7:54pm

Hey fellow Kiwi!

21 yr olds are not the women they think they are. She still wants her own place in her father's life and all decisions should be run by her.

Just tell your SO that getting married doesn't mean you take her mothers place, perish the thought! This is about sealing your love and your commitment to each other. And tell your SO that you hope she respects any concerns HE has with any life decisions she makes like moving in with a boyfriend or girfriend for that matter. Will she be as equally as receptive if he doesn't like her choices in life?

Or you can quietly move on with your life and give him 6 months to face life without you and realise what an idiot he was in letting you go. Sometimes we bend over so fr to make things work other people forget we have our own reams and aspirations. And if sealing your love for each other is all you ask, I think you should get it... or move on.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Wed, 07/06/2011 - 8:39pm

I agree with this. I also think it's important for SO to say to SD, "Annap is in no way trying to replace your mom. I will always love your mom and she will always have a very special place in my heart. But I love Kiwi very deeply too, and she has done a lot for me over the years. She makes me happy, and so do you and your sister. I am not asking you to get close to Kiwi or love or like her. I do, however, want you to treat her with civility and respect. I would not be rude to anyone you're romantically involved with."

I think that deep down, SD is still hurting from her mom's death. I think your getting married to SO emphasizes to her that her mom really is not coming back. Is SD getting counseling? Maybe SO could talk with her about this with her counselor. If she's not in counseling to help her cope with her grief, it's something SO should think about discussing with her. Maybe he could offer to help pay for it.

I also want to say that I can't imagine what it's like to lose a parent. I also can't imagine what it's like to face the cold reality that they are not coming back. However, that does not give SD a free pass for treating you rudely. She should be talking about her issues with and seeking advice from her Dad, her friends, close family and/or a therapist instead of being rude to you.

Done WIth It's picture

Submitted by Done WIth It on Thu, 07/07/2011 - 1:41am

Me thinks you should have looked at SO and responded with, "Well, that's to bad they feel that way, maybe after we marry and they see how happy we are, they'll go on with their lives, gain maturity, become adults and lead healthy lives.

So what that his kids feels like that.

But what I see in this man, a life of unhappiness if his daughters are calling his shots. I think it okay that you both (or him alone with them) announce your plans of marriage. I don't get the asking for the thought about it.

Personally, I'd move on. You think it's crappy now with those girls...ha....wait until they ruin every event you have planned. You are already visiting this website and aren't even a stepmom. You marry this man and his daughters, you're going to be posting in here everyday to maintain some kind of sanity.

I'd rather be somewhere with someone living happier. This is just going to be stress stress....and more stress. It's really not worth it.

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Thu, 07/07/2011 - 8:07am

I think you do what makes you happy. She may or may not come around. My SD changed drastically after we got married. I even included her in the wedding. Regret it now. She didn't want to live with us and now lives with mom, but she was phony to our face about us getting married and just became evil when we moved in. I dated him for almost 5 years so it was not like we rushed anything. My husband had died 8 years earlier. She just changed. I think it was a wake-up call for her that she was never getting her old life back.

You do need to prepare that she may never like you, but I would just be cordial and go about doing what makes you and your DH happy.

Annap's picture

Submitted by Annap on Thu, 07/07/2011 - 7:55pm

Wow, thanks ladies for all your words of encouragement and wisdom. A lot of what has been said have been in my thoughts, so it is great to have the confirmed with like minded people. I am heading towards 'she is just going to have to get over it' she does not live with us and in all reality it's does not concern anyone but my part er and myself. Time will come when it will only be the two of us and at that time lonely our opinions will matter.
I now have a clear vision of what to do ahead, or what should be done as I believe no one has really considered my feelings and I will not take a back bench, why should I put my feelings aside.
Again thank you ladies and 'fellow kiwi!!!' for your help. Smile