Do you agree that your letter, for the most part, could be written to a BM from a SM? I believe it could easily go both ways. What do you think?

are probably several similar type letters that steps could write to moms, although I do see the part about blindly believing what is told to you- we all know there are three sides to a story, his side, her side and the truth

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love." -Jennifer Edwards

I fear this too...that if my son ever gets a SM she will hate me or resent my son, for no other reason than I exist, or because of how my exH is obsessive in his attempted contact with me. I hope that if he ever finds someone that will stop. I hope that he will move on and leave me alone. As for BM, my DH never says anything bad about her...he has told the bad things she has done, but he does not ever put anyone down...anyone. My opinions of her are based on her actions, not his negative feelings. Things are getting better in the last year or so though so I am hopeful there will be less and less drama as time passes. There was a lot in the beginning of our relationship, and over the last 4 years it has steadily decreased

"You never realize how short a month is until you pay child support"

I guess your two cents aren't worth the same as anyone else's....

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love." -Jennifer Edwards

first hand BM do all the things that H has told me. I pray everyday for God to touch BM heart in a way that he knows how and for her to truly change and lay down the hate she has for H. Afterall there had to be something about H that she once loved to lay down and have a kid with him. I truly want us to work together for the benefit of SS but BM is so scared of SS not loving her best when he should not have to love anyone best just love us all. He can love us all the same just in different ways. However BM cannot see that she wants SS to feel the way she feels about H and my thoughts are if H is so bad as you say he is then let SS find out for himself but you will not do that because you know he is not that bad. You just cannot stand that H has moved on and is happy in a way he never was with you and you cannot stand that NOBODY not even your family hates H only you. Everybody else loves him.

There are indeed always two sides to a story.

My EH told his new girlfriend at the time horrible things about me that were not true...because of this she was always attacking me and accusing me of things. When they finally broke up and saw the light that he is now doing the same thing in regards to her and his new girl.she called and apologized and we are now good friends.

I think alot of women on here though deal with BM's that don't "try and make peace" but instead instigate on their end also..instigating drama and problems with the SM out of their own jealousy.

But I do appreciate the post and everyone should ALWAYS keep in mind that there are ALWAYS TWO SIDES TO A STORY.

"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"

FH to badmouth BM to me. I told him that he chose to marry her and have children with her, and as such she deserves a little respect for the role that she once played in his life. She deserves a little respect for being the mother of his children. There were times that he would vent and I would listen, but if it progresses beyond venting to bashing, I would stop him. I told him that I need to have a tolerance for this woman, and him badmouthing her to me is only making me envision her in a certain light, and it won't help my behavior when I have to deal with him and her. My opinions of BM are based off of what I've seen and heard from her firsthand.

I know my FH was not perfect. They were both young and dumb. I can't hold their past life together against him, her, or the kids. My BM has actually been wonderful compared to others on here. I feel like there has been a little bit of PAS, a little guilt, and a couple of comments that were uncalled for, but she is pretty much hands off. Which is a problem in itself, but not the point of my post. I also feel like I have been an ideal "stepmom" figure. Overall. No one is perfect.

A lot of the letter is nice, but other parts just seem really unfair. Why do people automatically assume stepmoms are trying to make the BMs children her own? I would rather pour acid down my throat than try to replace my sd's bm, NO THANK YOU!

The letter for the most part is a mature gesture...however, most BM's wouldn't be brave enough to send it to the stepmoms. In an ideal world, woman aren't vicious and they can communicate openly. Unfortunately, this isn't an ideal world and women are cruel to each other everyday (I don't exclude myself from that by any means!). There are so many reasons the BM's of the world and the stepmoms of the world are not best friends most of the time. Women love to think of themselves as supremely mature and well rounded but the truth is, if we were that way for real... the stepmoms and BMs could coexist happily. Somehow, we all have been set to 'defensive' mode for one reason or another ( "we" includes the bm's).

I also think that sometimes we are just too different from the BM we have to deal with. That's why you're married or dating the man you're with...because you're different from his ex. When there are too many differences, there is tension because you truly don't like the person not because her ex put evil ideas in your head. As for disliking the skids, it's very possible you just don't like who they are, you simply don't like their personality. There is no law that states you must like everyone.

sorry...I tried to have an open mind....but my BM beat and threw her kids in the trash....at which time, I scooped them out....so honestly...I just can't relate to that BM's letter....sh*tty people come in all varieties....BMs and SMs alike....BUT...I could see my BM writing a delusional letter like that cuz she actually believes her own craziness, so I guess that's why it pissed me off so personally..

"Sooner or later, everyone's bill comes due"

I agree with a lot of your post but I do have a question about one thing

you said....

When there are too many differences, there is tension because you truly don't like the person not because her ex put evil ideas in your head

In my situation I have never really met stepmom, never had a conversation with her, never spent time with her- how does she know there are differences? where is the tension from? where do the negative ideas come from?

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love." -Jennifer Edwards

"And this too shall pass..."

others it is based on observed behaviors and for a final group it originates in just plain evil on one side, the other or both.

Good letter. I think it goes both ways.

Best regards,

I have actually WRITTEN a letter similar to this to BM. Yes DH did tell me of the things that BM did to him and in the relationship. I SAW some of the stuff myself. I am hardheaded though and I choose to judge people by their own merit. I approached the whole situation as the problem was with THEM and not me. I reached out to BM. I tried to be that buffer because the 2 of them couldn't be in the same room without gouging each others eyes out. I tried to get a working co-parent relationship going for the sake of the kids. I assured her that I was there to work with them for the best interest of the skids. What I got in return I did not see coming. I was verbally attacked on numerous occasions. BM would sit with the skids and have a bitchfest about me because I EXISTED. The kids would give me H-E-L-L. BMs body language has displayed that she has wanted to bash my friggin head in for trying to talk to her - which the kids witnessed. BM has slandered me to any and everyone who listens.

I am a BM first and foremost. My daughter was close to being a teen by the time the skids came into the picture. I had a WONDERFUL relationship with my BDs SM. We worked as a coparenting unit much to my exs dismay. LOL. So, surely I knew this would be a cinch because EVERYONE loves me (adults and kids alike). BOY was I wrong. I have forgiven BM but I have placed her on a shelf. I no longer reach out to her. I no longer try with her. I no longer speak to her. If I can help it I no longer SEE her. She is threatened by me and she makes every effort to make my life miserable. My skids live with DH and I. I encourage them to contact BM. I shouldn't have to with 12 and nearly 14 year olds but I do. I encourage them to call just to say hello and see how her day was rather than only calling when they WANT something from her. I realize that no matter WHAT I say or do or the good intentions behind it, they will never be well received or appreciated by BM. For a while I had allowed that to change WHO I was and I stopped. BUT that is not me. I am a giver and I am loving but I hold no punches. I didn't like the person that I was becoming once I began reacting to the hostility that BM was giving me. Now I am just ME. If she doesn't like it TOUGH TITTIE. I will not be a StempMonster to appease her. I continue to love and support and encourage my skids. SHe can either get on board or get left behind.

So, I know what it is like on the other side as I wear both hats. I approached the whole SM role from the view of what if I were in BMs shoes? So I treated her how I would have liked to and was treated when I was the BM. What is sad is that BM could not see or appreciate that her kids have a pretty cool SM. And yes that is to toot my own horn.

Anyone can take the easy way out and blame others. BUT it takes a a person of character to take a look at one's self and actions and own responsibility for their part. ~ ME ~ }:-P

It is wonderful to see the other side. I could have written this to all of my son's SM's.

~Happiness is defined by the smile on your face, not the frown on others.~

You said...

So I treated her how I would have liked to and was treated when I was the BM.

what a wonderful way to be....truly....and let's have the perspective go both ways. What is the right way for a mom to treat a stepmom? Just as stepmoms often feel they cannot possibly do anything right in mom's eyes, I am sure many moms feel that no matter what they do the sm will think it's wrong or has a bad motive or whatever....what can moms do to make it better?

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love." -Jennifer Edwards

don't know many SM's that want make their skids "thier own" and push BM's out of their skids life.

Many say they can "love" them like thier own, which is good, but really the vast majority don't want to take them away from their BM's or damage skids relationship BM's. In all actuality, many SM's would LOVE BM to be there, be more active, do more, and stop pushing their children and responsibilites other people.

been through with the ridiculous SM she had to deal with. I don't think her intent was to say that any of us are that type of step mom. I believe the intent was to show how a BM can feel about things.

I know alot of us deal with lousy BM's, who treat thier kids bad, hate us for everything, etc.

I don't think she was talking about that kind of BM's perspective, and I don't imagine she would care how that kind of BM feels.

This was geared to a SM that maybe jumped the gun on the BM. Someone that doesn't know the BM. Took someone elses word on how the BM is, instead of seeing it for themselves. And then messing with her kids head on top of it.

It doesn't pertain to most of us, because most of us have a terrible BM in our lives to begin with.

JMO.

I think we may be getting a little to harsh, when all she's trying to do is write something nice.

~Happiness is defined by the smile on your face, not the frown on others.~

I am a BM and a SM. Like Principlist, first and foremost I am BM. I get along quite well with my BD's stepmother. The girls often liken me to Reba, and their SM to Barbra Jean... It hasn't been easy, but we've all worked hard to have a solid relationship for the girls.

Putting on my SM hat - it's the complete opposite situation. When DH and I started dating, he would tell me stories about BM. For the first couple of weeks I let it be known to him that I've been through all of this before, and I couldn't/wouldn't form an opinion on someone I didn't know. I told him that as a mother myself, BM is SD's mother, so in my mind, she deserved a least a little respect for that.

Then came week 3 of our dating. She caught wind that we were seeing each other, and totally WIGGED OUT. Any shred of respect that I may have thought I had for that woman was gone the moment she BASHED MY KIDS for NO reason, other than to piss off DH and I, and in turn , make herself feel better for yet another failed marriage (DH was her second husband). I actually had the opportunity to speak with her first victim, I mean husband, and she had done alot of the same things to this man as she had done to DH and to me! A leopard does not change it's spots.

Now, I'm not saying that a BM should not be allowed on this site. However, as a BM only, you also need to appreciate the fact that the step mothers / fathers on this site found it because of the crazy situation they are in, and many of us were at our wits end. I WISH the BM I deal with was the type of person could have written that letter, but sadly, she's the polar opposite of the author.

Continue posting and responding all you want. Like everyone here, you have every right. BUT if you expect us, as step parents to look at a "view from the other side", then I would think that you should be willing to do the same, no?

so forgive me if I am repeating something someone else may of said. We all have different variations of a similar situation. In my situation, I am both bm and sm. I tried to have a good relationship with the bm to make life easier for all involved. I am not jealous of her nor is she of me, as far as I know, and I am lucky that I do not have many of the same bm issues that alot of the ladies here do.

Some bm's resent the fact that we sm's have anything to do with their children and their ex husbands, some bm's are scorned and want their ex's back, some are just jealous for reasons only they understand and others are great and want what is best for their kids and are nothing more than friends with their ex's.

Now the flip side there are sm's that may be jealous of the bm, the bond of family that the bm share with your dh, may just not like dealing with the whole mess, have skids issues or may just be dealing with a bm whackjob.

There are so many variables here.

My kids do not have an sm so I only hope that if my ex should remarry that his new wife would not harber any ill will agains my kids or I. I would be happy for him to have someone in his life.

The letter has it's good points and I always think it is good to see another's perspective. The letter also has a bit of the overly pious "holy martyr bm speak" to it as well but let us not forget that it is just another person's opinion. Of course we knw that not all bms are saints, neither are all stepmoms, just us. We can agree or disagree. The truth remains that this life we have chosen is tough and we have issues that original families do not. I would love to say that all is well in my world and that I just love, love, love my skids and that dh loves my bios and we all get our needs met, and have a happy, bonded family unit but that is not the way it is. Sometimes I feel I struggle almost daily and sometimes I feel great about it all.

I was trying to make some sort of a point here but I think it got kind of lost and I am at work so I am multitasking so forgive my rambling.

I think that we all have our own demons to slay, some are just disguised as family...

I know for me I have no desire to be friends with my SK BM, I find her to be not only to be someone I would have never associated myself with. But I do truly hate her! She use her kids as weapons toward my DH and my own children. She accuses my children of all sorts of stuff and then cant face me when I confront her about it. Stating this has more to do with my children you need to stay out of it.....

I mean come one - who makes there children were 2 odd shoes to school when it my DH day to pick up the children just out of spite?

Frankly I think she is a horrible mother and would never want to even entertain the idea of befriending her.

GAG!!! :sick:

Do all these BM's (including mine) think that the SM wants to take the mom's place?!?! I care about my skids very much and even love them to a certain extent however I would never try to take BM's place simply because lets face it..I CAN'T DO IT. Even if BM were a crack whore, the kids would still love her more simply because she's their mom. I don't want to take BM's place. I'm quite content being their real-life version of malibu barbie with brain cells. I like that they see me as that cool lady who is always up for a good chat or game. When/if I'm ever ready to take on the responsibility of being a mom, I will have my own child.

As far as the letter goes, I think that BM has some good points but she fails to see that her jealousy is part of the reason why SM doesn't get along with her. Instead of being thankful that her child/children has a SM who cares for them, she sees the SM's behavior as threatening.

"Dear Stepmom,(she would never have the class or common sense to over come her insecurities to write me to get along)

I realize you despise me with every ounce of your being but I do not know why. (i do not hate you, i really dont care about you at all. You claim you dont know why, perhaps your harrasing calls to my fh and especially the ones where you treat him as a phone book, your lying, your brainwashing of your child that im bad even though i have nothing but love your child)

I do not understand where your anger towards me started. (the upset, not anger, started when you became so insecure about your own child knowing who his mother is, that you started verbally attacking my fh and threatening him because you know he loves his child, but cant get over that he doesnt and never did love you, and he has found someone he loves with all his heart)

What did you even know about me in order to form such a negative opinion? Was your opinion formed solely on the information provided by my ex-husband? Honestly, what would your ex-husband say about you? Would any of it be nice? Would much of it be biased? Would your version differ from his? Couldn’t that possibly be the case with what you have heard from my ex-husband? (i have always said that there are 3 sides to every story, yours, mine, and the truth. I even wrote her once saying that the past is the past and what is said is of no relevance now. only what occurs now matters, they created a child, and nothing else of the past matters. I base what i think of her solely off of what she has done since i have been involved with fh. I dislike her because of the things she has said about me and to me, i dislike her because she acts entitled to still treat fh as if they are married, i feel she is a liar who takes advantage of my fh being nice, and lastly i think she is a horrible mother for telling her child that people who have been nothing but good to him are bad. thus confusing him and causing him to become an angry child. For this i am the most upset, fh and i can cope but, ss is only 4 and its not fair for him to suffer because of her insecurities.)

I have thought many times about the “anti-relationship” between us. I have thought about what type of people we both are. I know without a doubt that you have people in your life who think you are wonderful, caring, kind, funny and understanding. It’s confusing to me that I have never seen those aspects of you. Why would you not want me, the child’s mother, to think those great things about you? (she is incapable of thinking good about me because she views me as a threat to her due to her insecurities as a mother. She has no friends, and all of her "friends" she says she does have that i have met talked about her behind her back, they said she is a liar, she uses people, and all in all was a bad person. She is very fake and i do think there are people i dont know that like her. we are very different people, with different backgrounds, different morals, and different views on life. However, i would give the moon for us to get along, for us both to be able to respect one another. I would love it if she saw and acknowledged how much i did and cared for her child. I have done nothing but reach out to her and try to get along. i have written her and asked her to please let me know if i do something that upsets her, or she feels im over stepping, because that is never my intention, it never gets me anywhere. the bottom line is that she truly does not care about getting along with me. If she did she would have accepted all my attempts at peace. she wants control of her ex, and no other female in her childs life, therefore i am the obstacle she wants removed)

I also do not understand why this situation is a competition. (it never was for me, its your child, im not competing for anything i am myself and for that fh and ss love me, the man is mine and his love is mine, we will have children of our own. you are the one competing because your actions indicate that you are afraid you lack what i possess therefore you compete to make sure your own child knows who his mother is. do you realize how pathetic you look?)

Can I not just be my child’s mother and you be his stepmother? Why isn’t that good enough? where do i sign up for this? ive wanted this all along, you keep this from happening)

Why do you put me down to my child and seek to replace me as his mother? (never once have i said one bad thing about you, your intelligent child knows more than you think, and takes your bad mouthing of us and resents you for it)

Why must you make him feel guilty about loving me? (i encourage him about positive things regarding his mother, once again, i have never said anything bad about her to ss)

Yes he lives you, or rather his father, but I am here, I am involved, I am his mother. He doesn’t need another mother, but an additional adult that supports him and loves him could be a wonderful bonus in his life. ( i have done nothing but try to be this figure which you speak of. if you would get over your self and your insecure power trip you might be able to see that. We have 50 50, and when he is with is father you do not control things, you need to realize that you gave that up when YOU filed for divorce, the judge awarded fh 50 custody, therefore he is a fit parent, and you do not have the right to call and harass your ex, as he does not do this to you)

Are the sneers necessary? Are the faces and gestures at exchanges necessary? Is attempting to limit the amount and the manner of my access necessary? (i have never been rude or given any type of look to bm. I have killed her with kindness at every interaction we have ever had. conidering custody is 5050 there is no limitation. In the case of this letter though, if the bf and sm have custody, it must be for a reason, and this bm needs to check herself, because obviously she was unfit in some way and perhaps a better mother figure for this child is not a bad thing)

You have a son yourself, for one minute put yourself in my shoes and think how you would feel if someone were doing to you what you have done to me for so long? Under what conditions are those actions actually justified? (i do not yet have a child, but "all that i am doing" is being created in your head out of your insecurity. I love your child when he is with us, i never bad mouth you, and for this what is it again that IM doing wrong?)

The competition continues even further than just the child, doesn’t it? Why do you feel the need to attack me professionally? Why do you feel the need to try to cause problems in my marriage? What possible benefit could that give you? What possible benefit to my son could that be? Will I ever be able to live my life without fear of you trying to destroy anything good or promising that I have? (my fh hates you, he is only nice because he knows how fup our state is and doesnt want you to take him to court. i have never attacked you, i wish nothing but for you to be happy, because then hopefully you would stop trying to make everyone around you miserable)

My ex-husband loves you. He and I shared a time together when we were young and then we both grew and went our separate ways and grew up some more. I do not want him back and he does not want me back. We have both moved on. The only thing left of that is our son who needs us both in his life. Just as my husband can never replace the father, you cannot replace the mother. Trying to do so will only push my son further from you. (okay, is this trying to act like you are over fh? because i could swaer that you calling sobbing about your bf issuse, and calling for other personal matters has nothing to do with ss. How would yo view it if your dh's ex did this? Once again, get it through your dense head, no one is replacing you, you are creating this imaginary issue because YOU are insecure. I will have kids of my own, i love ss because he is the child of the man i love, but i will be a mother to MY own children, i dont need to try and take yours, im a better person than that)

I love my child and I believe you love my child as well.(well than why cant we just get along idiot) That should be enough common ground for a good starting point of cooperation.(okay, fine, then stop calling us, harrassing us, and being jealuos that we give ss a better life than you. Its you with the issue not us, and that proven by the fact that only you are calling and creating upset in the life of your child, so really the only one creating distance is you with your child, because like everyone else he probably tired of your crap!)

I have tried my hardest to avoid you at all costs so this situation does not escalate but, if you are ever inclined to lay down the gauntlet and start anew in the spirit of cooperation I would welcome the fresh start. We do not even need to discuss anything from the past, it’s past, let’s just smile, treat each other with respect, work together and move on." (name a place and time, i will be there, like i said i would give anything for all this nonsense to stop)

therefore, i am upset by this letter as it relates to my situation. However, separate from my issues with bm, why does any mother like the one writing this letter, regardless even if it is the mother, have the right to be demeaning to a woman who is raising her child?(it mentions the bf has custody) I think alot of bm are insecure with another woman in their child's life, bm told me herself that it was hard for her. A majority of these women use their insecurity as an excuse to cause upset and drama, and really the only person they hurt in the end is THEIR CHILD!

I don't mean to be completely rude, but I am more than a little bored by this whole angle and have zero interest in my BM's perspective. I too wonder about the true motivation for doing this on a step parent's site.

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

I could have written that letter to my SD's BM.... My DH and I are the ones who have been on the receiving end of pretty much everything in that letter and more. Her false accusations came dangerously close to completely ruining DH's life and by default our family's life, so frankly I no longer care to try and look at things from her point of view, since she has shown time and time again that her POV is nowhere near reality.