My SD10 has major issues idk what to do
Well, I have been on google and some how found my way here. I need a place to vent before I loose my patience. A little back story. My husband and I have both been married 2x before this marriage is our 3rd one. His kids are 8(boy) &10 (girl) & we have an 8 month old together. I have kids from my previous marriages as well. The ones that live with us are 6 girl, 12 girl and 13 boy. So we have a house full. My husband recently got his Kids full custody in December. The boy loves it here the girl not so much. U can tell she doesn't. We'll roll back to January we discover she's "pooping" her pants. I did everything I could do. I took her to the doctor, we did the laxative thing nothing changed, just made the situation shittier literally. I have taken her to a therapist and she talked to Couselors we have talked to her. Wel long story short she still shits herself. & it's definitely on purpose there is nothing wrong with her at all. It's all an emotional thing and she can totally control it. Bc she will not poop herself at school she will wait until she's coming home. I can tell it's fresh and not dry when she's here. The only reason it would be dry is if she didn't wash before school like she's supposed to. We make her wash her clothes and underwear out and she still does it. It's been over 6 months. Idk what to do. Lately she cries and tries to manipulate us. She constantly asks questions she knows the answer to. She had been washing out her undies and clothes and still whines about it and asks how to do it when she's been shown several times. I asked them to check her for everything Bc I'm genuinely concerned she has mental issues. His son I love and he loves me. Her not so much I'm not sure I ever will. I roll my eyes whe. He calls her his princess Bc in my eyes princesses don't purposely shit themselves. We got her a new phone, the deal was to stop with the shitting well what do u know she stopped for 2 whole weeks only a couple of times she did. It.. but like every new toy she got bored and realized she wasn't getting that extra attention. We're going to a party on Saturday. I'm not dealing with this. It's embarrassing and he only talks to her. At this point I don't wanna make him choose Bc I know his choice already. This is not getting better and him refusing to parent her and trying to push his responsibilities of parenting her into me and making me take her to appointments and talk to teachers etc. I can do all that but when it comes to punishment, he acts as if I'm not allowed to take tho ha alway and like I'm being mean to his little pooping princess. He is always trying to compare my kids behavior she's fucking 6 to his kids hello she's 10. They argue constantly I'm just emotionally tried and mentally exhausted from this and It's getting old and making me hate my husband and how he acts he's really showing his true colors when it comes to "his kids". They can do no wrong but boy when it's mine and they do 1 thing it's a huge deal. SMH. I really don't want yet another failed marriage Bc I don't wanna give the benefit of the doubt and what not.. please someone some advice would be great.
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Was she screened by the therapist for sexual abuse?
Was she screened by the therapist for sexual abuse? Sometimes a child who is being abused will have hygiene issues in response to the abuse.
Look up "disengagement" on this site. Your DH should be the primary caretaker for his daughter. He should do the actual "parenting," which includes not only day-to-day tasks but appointments and school as well. His daughter is his responsibility and he should be doing the majority of her care.
Yes, she was taken to a place
Yes, she was taken to a place where they talk to kids and get them to try and talk about anything and has seen a few therapist and also school counselor, we're not sure if anything ever happend to her at her moms with her moms Bf, we haven't ruled it out bc it's very bizarre the way she bahaves. I also caught her on more then one ocasión being sexually inappropriate with my younger daughter ( making a tik tok where she lays on the bed(6 yo) and she kisses her like a princess) I have since then I stalled cameras so I'm sure she feels also her privacy isn't what it was at her moms house. He does the parenting when it's convenient, he works out of town often so sometimes these things fall on me. I don't want the responsibility Bc this teaches him nothing and it's probably not the attention she's wanting
My SS21 is autistic and has
My SS21 is autistic and has poop aversion. He hates it. He will hold it until he poops himself. It was a nightmare!
One of the things that I now do is make sure he takes a fiber supplement and I have him on a poop schedule (swear to God, I thank Big Bang Theory for that one!!). He has to go sit and try. We went from having issues every couple of days (he would hold it that long) to maybe once every few months.
I agree that this might be a sexual abuse thing but it might also be some other kind of trauma response.
I do want to say that I think you need to talk to your husband about your feelings. Obviously you can't put it like you did here and you need to do it when you aren't in the heat of the moment dealing with her (literal) shit. He needs to be the one that is taking the lead on dealing with the issue and he needs to be the one getting her help.
As a step parent your only job is to treat the kids with kindness and decency. Their only obligation to you is be respectful and have mutual courtesy. I think when there are any other expectations, people get feelings hurt and marriages can even suffer. If YOU or the kids want to do more and have more, absolutely go for it! But you don't have to and you shouldn't be expected to. The same goes for him and your kids from your previous marriage.
You have to look at a situation, realize this is something that a "parent" should deal with and say : Go talk/show/tell your dad. - the walk away.
There are two things you've
There are two things you've described that I couldn't live with. First, being expected to have responsibility for a child without authority. If you're supposed to take her to appointments, deal with teachers, etc., then you should be able to discipline without being undermined. Responsibility without authority doesn't work. Why are YOU doing the parenting? Are you a SAHM? If not, push the parenting for his child back on him.
The 2nd thing is disparate treatment of the kids. I couldn't be with a man who complained about/punished/pointed out things my kids did that he let his get away with. It's not fair to your kids, and believe me, they notice.
Since you don't want another failed marriage, I'd do marriage counseling. But if he's not willing, or things don't change, don't let fear of a failed marriage keep your kids in a situation that isn't good for them.
time for a BIG conversation
Unless he wants to have aother failed marrriage...
Write out what you posted but make your points bullet points. Give concrete examples.
"remember when you pointed out that my kid did xyz, and then your kid did the same thing and no punishment? The children notice this, and will start to resent you, is this something you want for your relationship with them? Because I certainly am starting to resent you..."
Do not beat yourself up for not really liking your SD. Society has all these expectations that "you must love them like your own...!"
Focus on your bios and completely wash your hands of parenting this kid. It is ALL on your husband now. Tell him that you cannot have responsibility without authority. Period.
Good luck with Princess Poopy Pants.
Everyone above has good
Everyone above has good advice. The things that worked the best for me that they already stated is disengagement, direct the child to DH when they want or need something, and responsibility with no authority is a poor way to treat someone.
Disengagment was a bit tricky for me, but it worked. When SD needed a ride to school I'd tell her to go ask her dad. While DH was at work I would tell him he needs to make plans for SD because I was not going to watch her. Other things would come up and usually I would get right in and handle it. Instead I would let it go in one ear and out the other. I no longer volunteered my time or energy.
The responsibility with no authority thing would drive me crazy. I had to take SD to the store with me, but I better not dare tell her not to run in the store. It felt like I was Alice in Wonderland and everything turned contrary to what I knew to be true.
pickups dropoffs
Husband the other week was jokingly saying something to the effect of "I WAS going to MAYBE ask if you could pick up Backstabber..."
To which I replied "I got FIRED from THAT job, remember? No severance either..."
Then he tried to grouse about me not paying $150 of our mutual bills and I told him "Oh, so you want ME to pay for backstabbers phone bill? But I cannot punish by taking away this phone I helped pay for????? Im supposed to pay YOUR phone bill too?"
He stopped grousing.
(((HUGS))))
(((HUGS))))
I am sorry. Lot's of great ideas here.
Please keep us updated when you have the time.
Good news!
Well, we have had an ok week! By ok I mean I was only growled at and high pitched a screatched at 3x this week and she had been changing her diapers and taking them out accordingly and the bathroom hasn't reeked as horribly as before and she has actually been "clean" the 2x we did. Surprise checks to make sure Bc we hadn't seen her go to the bathroom. He had been making sure she was sitting on the potty and cleaning up. She has had a major attitude but I'm trying my best to just ignore it, every time she gets an attitude I got get her dad and he comes and deals with it. I served all the other kid's breakfast and left Hers on the stove served but didn't give it to her. She was very disrespectful in the morning and told me that she Didn't need to be woken up at 930 am so that's when I went and got daddy. I had went and bought doughtnoughts the best in town and was making brunch and she had laundry she needed to get out of the dryer. & she's uSually lying In her poop. So she needs to shower. So she needed to get up not to mention. All of the Saturday chores, this is every Saturday it's always a thing I'm not sure what her issue was. She just had been giving me chucky looks and staring me down and crying anytime I tell her to even put her glasses on to read. So I just have been getting my husband every time. Making him take her with him as well when he goes places I won't take her with me any longer Bc of an incident last week I took her to the nail salon, usually she's fine, this time she decided she would go to the bathroom 5 or more times and sing at the top of her lungs and then spill water on the floor and tap her foot in it. She was worse than my 6 year old. SMH. I really just cannot stand her at this point Bc of the behaviors and passive aggressive attitude she has it's almost like she's bipolar.
SD10 is still pooping all over herself
So for over 2 months now we have implemented diapers and wipes just for her, we even have her own set up in the bathroom and have instructed her to use her own wipes no toliet paper Bc she was using a while roll per bathroom use and leaving the bin full of shit and it was the bathroom everyone (all the other kids and guests use) disgusting right! So we have her wipes, her diapers and her plastic bags all in the closet In the bathroom. & she has plenty we went to Sam's club and got the big packs. So she was doing ok & then book back to square one where she's sitting it not cleaning it up and just waiting to shower and hiding it in the regular trash & using the toilet paper and trash can in the bathroom after being repeatedly told not to. I'm not sure what has happened in the past couple weeks that she's decided she didn't care to clean herself anymore, she also had been not changing out her socks and she also doesn't like to brush her hair or teeth she lacks a lot of hygiene and I'm not sure that if it's be her mother never taught we her Bc he mother looks like the type not to care and demonstrates that by the way she hasn't even tried to contact the kids. It's very sad she hasn't even tried to contact them and it's been a year for my step son and almost a year for my step daughter. I'm sure they feel some type of traumatic anxiety/depression Bc of it. We're really at a loss she's also in 5th grade and does very poorly even with help idk if it's an act of she's really just special. Honestly at this point I think it's all a show for attention. She plays the dumb manipulative card very well and uses it to her advantage with good ol dad who doesn't seem to think his little angel can do no wrong. It's gotten to the point I told him if she doesn't want me doing ther hair and doesn't wanna do it right when we go places she's not going with me. So don't ask me to tAke her. I found it really odd that out of the blue she wanted without being asked to start changing my 10 month olds diapers. No one asked her too she will go and when no one is looking get him out of his jumper and change his diaper. I told her to stop. I wasn't comfortable with her doing that Bc likes to move around alot and I don't want him falling from the bed. Really it was also Bc why would I have a kid who doesn't wipe their own ass and is unsanitary cleanup my baby.... ugh no. Idk maybe she misses her mom and I'm over reacting and she's trying to be helpful but still she needs to be using the. Bathroom. Enough it's enough we're coming up on a year of her doing this . I'm tired of it. It's costing 60$ extra for the diaper and wipes and who knows all her extra showers and all. SMH It would be even more if she was still washing out the undies and more disturbing and disgusting for all of us. Idk what to do anymore it's really driving a wedge in my marriage.