WHERE TO GO FROM HERE
I feel like i have so much to say and write.... this is my safe haven.... i have made many changed in my life recently in regards to my FDH and FSD. I feel like i know what i must do, but in that choice there is a great amont of sadness.... i am curious on the opinions of the many individuals that are facing similar family situations. I have written blogs in the past and have recieved a lot of great advice... but i just need some advice once more... In August my BS who is 6 told me that he was missing money from his wallet, i listened but didnt react, he then told ne this again... so when my son left with his father to go out of town for a week, i put 8 dollars in my sons wallet. Long story short, the money was in the wallet up to the day before my son was to return. The only people that had access to the wallet was the FDH, FSD and myself. I told my FDH that the money was missing and he told me that i probobly put it in a different wallet. i tried to get past it but it was bothersome that he was not making his 10year daughter accountable... he finally asked her if she took the money weeks later, and she said that she did not... He told me that he had to support his daughter because he is all that she has.. the FSD is manipulative and continued to tell her dad that she didnt take the money. we had a family meeting and she continued to lie.i then told her that i knew that she took the money and that i hope that it was worth it.. my son was very clueless about the situation becuz he loves the FSD. in the end she confessed to me, and the FDH got mad at me becuz he stated that i set his daughter up. WE got into a huge battle which got out-of-control, he told his daughter that he didnt know if i loved her... which was the most hurtful thing ever. SINCE THEN EVERYTHING HAS BEEN STRESSFUL... i feel like that changed our entire relationship and he feels like the fact that i controlled that situation and didnt tell him is what lead us to where we are today.
i dont know what i am actually looking for from this post i just had to speak on this, becuz this was the most hurtful thing that he has done to me and i dont know if we will ever recover... I DONT KNOW HOW HE CAN"T SEE HOW INAPPROPRIATE HIS ACTIONS WERE...and how they have lead us to this point !
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His actions were
His actions were inappropriate... but sad to say in this day and age, quite normal. Parents do not want to believe that their children can do any wrong. It is those parents that ultimately wind up with egg on their face, because it is undisputable that kids are going to do things wrong because they are learning.
I'm sure your FH was very embarassed that his child stole something and continued to lie to his face. Have you tried to sit down and speak with him? Did you tell him that you pretty much figured he would believe his daughter's word over everyone else's and that is why you felt it necessary to "set her up"?
What you did was not wrong. The hardest thing for you guys now is how do you get back what surely has been lost in this exchange. You really need to do some serious soul searching. Not only are you planning a life for yourself, you have your son to think about. Think of him too when you make this committment because ultimately, he's going to get caught in the cross fire if this guy can't even admit when his daughter does something wrong and deflects to another person. I'm sure your son will get blamed for things that his daughter does too.
Okay, here's the thing that
Okay, here's the thing that gets me:
"He told me that he had to support his daughter because he is all that she has."
On top of everything else -- not believing you, getting mad at YOU instead of correcting his daughter for her stealing and lying -- this sentence speaks volumes. Clearly, he sees her as the most important voice in the household. And saying that he is all she has ignores all the other relationships -- with you, with your son, etc. Clearly, he feels that SHE is all HE has, as well. They are essentially in a spousal relationship. You and your son are a lot further down on the list.
The fact that he's having inappropriately adult conversations with her, such as telling her he doesn't know if you love her, only confirms this for me. Your FH sees himself and his daughter as "the couple."
Personally, I could not live with an SO who saw someone else as his life partner. You do indeed have some soul-searching to do. Good luck -- I really feel for you.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
Unfortunately his actions
Unfortunately his actions seem pretty typical for a guilty dad. It is a rare parent that can see the truth about their child. What this man is doing is harmful to his daughter in the long run. Is he at all concerned what kind of person she is going to turn out to be if he continues to not hold her accountable for her actions? The stealing will continue, and eventually will progress into worse behaviors as she gets older. He is doing his daughter an injustice by making excuses for her stealing. Very irresponsible parenting, or lack of parenting. You handled the situation correctly, FDH just isn't ready to face the truth.
"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."
thinking about my son ...
thinking about my son ... has been why i find it so difficult to stay in this relationship.. FDH loves my son, but doesnt do much for my son because my EX husband does everything for my son... My ex-husband is an excellent father and provides my son with needless things.. my FDH thinks that my son is spoiled and gives me guilt trips when my ex buys things for my son... the DIFFERNECE is however, is that my ex is in the military and leaves often, which is why my son does to his dads every other weekend and once or twice a week in the evenings until 7 or 7:30. The FDH has his daughter everyother evening and every other morning, this custody is stupid to me... But i would be a fool not to recognize that FDH puts his daughter in a position that isnt appropriate. I know that my child is going to lie to me and try to manipulate me, but he doesnt think that his child will lie to him.... which means that eventually when my son and his daughter get into it, the blame will always fall back on my son... even know I am so defesive when it comes to my son, because i know that she is sneaky.. SHE KNOWS WHEN TO WHISPER VS. my son doesnt know when to whisper or isnt mindful of who is around him at all times.... I feel like i am always on efge watching my son so that he wont fall victim to her, and YES she is typically great with him... BUt when she is moody i can not trust her.... SHE WILL RUN TO HER DAD LIKE SHE IS INNOCENT... he tries to compare the two of them, in which they are on two completely different levels.... HE IS A GOOD PERSON BUT I DONT KNOW IF IT WILL GET BETTER OR WORSE
i agree with totallybogus,
i agree with totallybogus, its hard to get people to see that there preicous seed is up to know good and there is no way to really portray to a parent that he needs to take a closer look at their kids...
She is ten years old.... but
She is ten years old.... but doesnt act like a ten year old or look like a 10 year old... I think that she is a good kid ultimately, but her dad is very demanding and she simply wants to please him... the BM is decent, her and I get along well... However, she wants to be the FSD's best friend... i am a parent and am not looking to be a friend to my son or SD.... the BD hates the BM, becuz she did some unethical things when the child was a toddler in order to keep the BD out of his daughters life.... the BM and I had a conversation about the FSD a couple of months ago about her behavior at her BM's house... THe BM told me that the FSD was being disrespectful. I talked to the BD about this and he stated that he wants his daughter to be able to defend herself.... WHICH REALLY BOTHERS ME BECUZ SHE IS A CHILD AND THIS IS HER MOTHER REGARDLESS OF WHAT HAS OCCURRED BETWEEN BD AND BM.... I CANT MAKE HIM SEE THAT IS DETRIMENTAL FOR THE FSD, she should not talk to anyone disrespectfully...