childless women (not by choice)
My 34th birthday is nearing and I'm starting to accept that there is a very good chance that I won't have kids. I can't say that I "accept" it, but it is what it is. I just can't help but wonder....why me? I would make an excellent mother. I have a nice job with a decent income, plenty of patience, common sense approach to things, I'd be actively involved in their lives and extracurricular, and I would parent them versus being bff with them.
My ex and many of my friends have been blessed 1, 2 or 3 times and seem to take it for granted. I see them fiddling with their phones on the park bench while their kids are calling out their name. I cringe at the junk they feed them because they are too lazy to prepare a healthy meal for them. They roll out of bed at the last minute, rush out the door, get the kids to school and when the kids come home, they jump on their Nintendo, while mom/dad jump on the computer. They don't set good examples on how to keep a relationship healthy and intact with the opposite sex (like with the kid's father), etc, etc, etc.
I know I can adopt, but I can't afford the expense of adoption... and adopting as a single woman in her mid 30's is not viewed as ideal to adoption agencies.
I could get pregnant by any guy, but I'm not about to do that. I'm very selective on who I mix genetics with.
I have been in 2 serious relationships in my life...and boy, am I glad I didn't get married. Everyone wanted me to get married. And I felt the pressure, especially considering that I wanted kids. But luckily, I listened to that inner- voice. But now I'm kicking myself!! I wasted some damn good fertile years on those 2 losers. I'm lucky that I didn't marry them, but why did I stay with them for so long?
I'm back in the dating scene and not having any luck. I think that by the time I find someone that I find as marriage material, my eggs will be burned up. And no, I'm not going to try procreation too late in life. My parents are aging and getting health problems and I'd like to be there for them when they need me - not possible if I have a little baby/toddler. So maybe parenthood was never on my map. I just don't understand "why". How do you accept it and make peace with it??
You could have your eggs
You could have your eggs harvested and froze for later use like men do with sperm.
You learn to deal with it,
You learn to deal with it, but it's not always easy.
I married later in life and my DH and I decided we were both to old and lacked the patience to be bothered with kids. However as I've mentioned before on this blog, not having a child has been one of my biggest regrets. But as a younger woman, I too dealt with jerks and refused to have a baby out of wedlock just to have a child. I also didn't want the struggle of raising a child as a single mom, and I was busy going to school and planning my career.
At this point, when co-workers are talking baby news, and friends are chatting about their grand kids and showing me pictures, I do sometimes feel the pain of regret. But I've learned to come to terms with it by realizing that things are just as they should be. Life doesn't make mistakes as far as I'm concerned. If God wanted me to have children, the universe would have arranged it. I've accepted this and it helps me deal with it.
Finally, do you really want a child? Perhaps you should consider a donor. This gives you more control over the decision. Consider this before you rule it out entirely. If you're feeling the pain of regret now, you'll feel even worse 10 years from now, when time is no longer on your side.
Good luck.
I know exactly where you are
I know exactly where you are coming from. I am in my 50s - almost 60 so I had to deal with this.
I really wanted children. My circumstances were much like yours. I think I got clinically depressed in my 40s when it literally became impossible for me to ever have a child.
But let me tell you - I am SO glad now that I do not have children. So many of my friends have only known heartbreak and sorrow from their offspring. And these are mostly intact families with great parents. I just had a New Year's letter from a friend today who lost her son earlier this year. She did not mention why.
Now I see others who love their roles as grandparent and parents. I am NOT knocking parenthood. Someone needs to keep things going.
As for the "why me" - well sometimes it just is. I was able to take care of my mother for 2 1/2 years when she was dying of cancer and for my dad a decade after that. I guess that was my destiny.
I am with the nicest man in the world now. My SS is grown so I feel no responsibility at all towards him (pathetic little thing that he is.) This site had made me realize how lucky I am that I came on the scene after he was of age. We have two homes, travel and just "have fun".
But honestly - I have a great life. I am missing nothing.
But you never know what is ahead for you. My divorced cousin met a great guy (never married no kids yeah) in her late 30s. They now have two adorable children and a fabulous life.
My daughter is adopted and we
My daughter is adopted and we adopted her at birth when I was 36 years old..3 months shy of
being 37.
The adoption was about 14,000. We received 10,000 back in our taxes over a 3 year period.
There are plenty of single moms out there that adoption...
maybe you should look deeper into it..
GL
Oh here's the other little
Oh here's the other little benefit of not having kids.
I am about 15 years older than the second wife - not first wife hogwart producer of crotch droppings. Second is a horrible bitch - very competitive.
I who have had no children wear a size 6 and literally my belly is bikini worthy. Nothing else on my body is!
I honestly don't care what I look like at this stage in life - but it drives the second crazy that I look younger than she does. Even though here on the Gulf Coast where I live I could easily be her mother.
I think you answered your own
I think you answered your own question on how to accept and make peace with it. You mentioned all sorts of reasons why it's not good for you to have them right away, or later in life. If you "really" want children, to the point of distraction, you probably would be willing to try to do it with less of a standard in a partner or in a less than ideal situation. Maybe not yet, but if it's meant to be, you'll panic and change some of your standards.
On a side note, did you ever consider donor sperm? You can be as picky as you want when it comes to the genetics. You can pick the ethnic background, what the donor studies/studied in college, view video personality tests, etc. It's amazing how much you can pick through. And when I looked into it a few years ago (like 4 or 5) it was only $300 for one shipment of frozen sperm. Without insurance, the IUI at a clinic would be an additional $700. Expensive for one shot (although I'm not sure how much sperm is included in that $300) but well worth it if you want a child.
I dealt with infertility for 4 years, and felt like you. Everyone around me was just popping them out, and it hurt terribly! I kept wondering "why me??". An older friend told me that if I was unable to have children, but it was something I wanted very badly in life, it's possible that a different role was meant to be. Maybe I'd be like the favorite aunt to a friend's child, or I would end up being involved with other children somehow.
One of my closest friends is in her late 40's and never had children. She had a couple of abortions in her 20's and 30's, and it ruined her chance of ever keeping a pregnancy when she finally was ready. She's very depressed over it. Now her boyfriend has a young niece who is with them a lot. I think this little girl helps fill a void in her life. It's not what she really wanted, but it helps.
I hope you find peace in whatever you decide...I actually envy childless women who are happy with that!
haha. like the movie with
haha. like the movie with Jennifer Anniston (can't think of the name).
I would totally go to the sperm bank, but OMG....I have a huge family who will question me about the babt daddy! I would not want to admit that conception was from a sperm donor. Don't flame me, you don't know my family and how relentless they are. And if I said the baby daddy is someone who I want nothing to do with, my Attorney father will push me to get child support. He will push and push to the point where it will wear me out.
Have you considered being a
Have you considered being a foster parent? I would do that if I didn't have kids. I think people shy away from it because there are some REALLY scary kids out there, but my mind was changed when I met the two SWEETEST girls EVER who were foster children. Totally changed my perception about foster kids. Some are adoptable, too. You sound like you would make a wonderful foster parent. And you can keep your body.