Seeking Experience with College Age SD with extreme OCD and Anorexia
Hi! I'm new to the forum and seeking advice. My husband and I have been happily married 8 years. He has a SD who is 19. From age 11-14 she lived with us part time and shared a room with my daughter. It didn't go well as she is extremely OCD and was very unpleasant, but nonetheless we had a few good years (vacations, shopping, etc.). Then at age 14 she decided she wanted nothing to do with us and has since lived with her mom full time and been given everything a child could want (cars, clothes, expensive vacations, nannies you name it). I realize these are the dreaded teen years, but my husband refused to intervene to try to fix it or make her see him (he just said oh "she's a teenager"). We invite her to things and she rarely shows up and when she does she makes mean comments about my girls or our home and brags incessantly. A few years ago I ran into her and when I went to say hi she ran away. According to the BM (who never remarried and it was her decision to divorce my husband) I ruined her relationship with her dad (despite the fact that I always encouraged him to spend 1/1 time with her). Fast forward to today and she is/has been extremely OCD and has been hospitalized for anorexia. She has since decided she wants to reconile with my husband and is making a huge effort to spend time with him. Obviously he's thrilled but I am having a really hard time as I remember how awful she's treated him (and me) and I no longer want to see her. Does anyone have experience with anorexic and/or OCD stepdaughters? If so, any advice and am I awful to not want to see her?
I don't have any experience
I don't have any experience with anorexic or OCD step kids but those conditions do not excuse crappy behavior. You didn't ruin anything as far as your husband's relationship with his daughter. She did. BM just wants to blame you when she most likely alienated SD from her father. They're probably just mad because your husband dared to move on instead of staying eternally single pining for BM. You are NOT awful for not wanting to see SD. It is perfectly fine to refuse to see her. Your husband needs to respect that and see his daughter outside of the home. She should not be allowed to set foot on the property. Your home is your sanctuary and no one should be allowed who would make you uncomfortable in your sanctuary.
Thank you so much! This is
Thank you so much! This is very helpful. I feel this way too. My whole body gets tense when I need to see her and I have terrible anxiety from it. I will take your advice!
She is 19 and an adult.
She is 19 and an adult. Inform your DH that you will not tolerate or facilitate the access of any toxic individual in your life or marriage and this SKidult must be kept at a distance regarding you, your marriage, your home, and your life.
Define it clearly for DH. If he oversteps, bring the pain down on them both.
IMHO of course.
If she has been hospitalized,
If she has been hospitalized, I'm going to assume she's in therapy. Perhaps she's trying to make amends.
IMO, SD and her father need to work on building their relationship. Just the two of them, which means neutral ground outside of your home. She is his child and he obviously wants to be part of her life. But...
SD is now an adult. No one should be trying to force you to have a relationship with another adult. Let your DH know that it's great if they can repair/rebuild their relationship, but not in your home/sanctuary.
FTR, I have OCD and am a recovering bulimic. Eating disorders can be deadly.
I agree... it's possible to
I agree... it's possible to be supportive without being involved.
I would also say that I would try to remember that she was a young person who was clearly dealing with a lot.. and as she has matured and worked on herself.. she may be gaining some self awareness of how she may not have treated people well in the past.
I don't think you need to throw open the welcome doors of your home.. but encouraging your husband.. and try to remember that "hurt people hurt people".. and while that doesn't mean you have to just ignore the fact that she was not a great person to her dad... or you.. that you approach any small interraction you may end up having with a neutral attitude.. and have an open mind that she may have truly made some changes for the better. You don't have to forget.. but you can try to put the past in perspective.
You don't have to forget..
You don't have to forget.. but you can try to put the past in perspective.
True! I'm a constant work in progress because there is always room for improvement.
I've also had to interact with my share of toxic people (family, coworkers). If OP finds herself in a situation where she is around SD, OP can use a Gray Rock, Medium Chill, or Robot Mode technique. My SDs were once toxic because they were step-PAS'd by BioHo (BM). I became a Gray Rock champ! Eventually, they came to realize that 'Ho was a big fat liar and apologized to me. I now have an excellent relationship with both and 'Ho does not (estranged from SD31 for 3 years and SD 28 has been pulling back).
Good to know. thank you!
Good to know. thank you!
I am so sorry to hear that
I am so sorry to hear that and thank you for your advice! I will take it. It so helps to have other stepmoms to chat with.
I have been in a similar
I have been in a similar situation, minus the eating disorder and OCD. My DH had custody of his Spawn and we raised her until she was 17, then she moved in with her maternal grandmother. DH and his Spawn didn’t speak for years until she reached out in her early 20’s. They tried to repair and re-build a relationship, but neither of them is very good at relationships so it didn’t last. I have chosen to never be around Spawn again given things she has said and done to me, my children, and family. When DH and Spawn started working on a relationship, I set my boundaries with him and let him know they were nonnegotiable. She was never allowed in our home again, he would not try to force me into talking to or seeing her ever again, and our children could choose if they wanted anything to do with her once they were 18. DH agreed to those terms, and it helped alleviate a lot of the anxiety I had about her coming back into his life. Them talking only lasted a few months then it all ended, until recently when Spawn reached out basically just to let DH know she thinks he’s a POS and never wants to see or speak to him again.
Thank you for the advice! I
Thank you for the advice! I'm sorry to hear that things haven't ended well for your DH and SD but I get it. We can't control what other people do. I also wonder how long this will last with her being nice to him. She is not a nice girl at all and very selfish so we'll see.
Let’s face the fact
If SD conduction need hospitalizion. There's no magic switch that can be thrown. She not getting up next week normal. She a sick kid/adult. You must talk with your DH. Telling him you support him and his efforts to help SD. You just can't be part of this at this time. He should see SD outside the home. For a few months. It's MAY now. We are shooting for thanksgiving. If all goes well. You all could go out to eat on Thanksgiving. [most likely not]. [not in your home ].
'It's is your DH DD. He has responsibility to get her well. I am not saying to kiss her ass, but to be kind. To make a effort to help DH.