Need to vent
So the other day I (F38) saw pics of my fiancé (M40) and his ex on his phone (wasn't snooping, we were looking for a photo together and he was looking over my shoulder), I was hurt, I would have thought he would have deleted the pics by now or at least moved them off his phone. His social media was covered in pics of them before and I had asked him to hide/remove those as they bothered me (which he did) so I don't understand why even after proposing to me, he wouldn't move photos off his phone. He said he just hasn't gotten round to it. He said he won't delete any where his son is also in the pic but he's happy to delete pics of just them, which I think is fair.
Now, that aside, I had to do the gardening at our house and at my parent's house this weekend, I told him all the things I needed to get done and he decided to stay at his parents house with his child (M5). So I am left to do all of it on my own. Instead of spending time with his parents, he's out with a female friend and her child. They do this every other weekend (he only has his son EOWE), and last time I told him it bothered me that he was spending so much time with her and that he's choosing for his child to bond with her and her son rather than building a bond with me. At the time he agreed. Now I find out he's doing the same again whilst I'm physically drained from washing my car and doing the gardening at my parents house today. I feel like he doesn't care about my feelings, he'll just do whatever makes him and his son happy.
My SO doesn't even contribute fairly to our living costs - he pays one third plus entertainment such as eating out. I'm fed up of supporting them. I have asked him to pay half but 9 months after moving in he still isn't.
What am I doing in this relationship??? He tells me I'm the love of his life, he treats me well most of the time but I'm struggling with the lack of respect for my feelings.
What are you getting out of
What are you getting out of this relationship?
It sounds like he's using you to live how he wants while doing whatever he wants. He should be paying half of the living costs. If you make significantly more, set percentages. IE: you pay 60%, he pays 40%.
Respect is important. I am not friends with those for whom I have no respect and I certainly could not be in a love relationship with no respect.
You should make a list with 2 columns - positive and negative - and write down the good and bad. Him telling you you're the love of his life does not go on that list. He could be gaslighting you.
Thank you! He actually earns
Thank you! He actually earns more than I do.
Kick him to the curb. He's a
Kick him to the curb. He's a user and a loser.
What?
Oh, he is using you to pay for his crap and his son's too... kick him out of your life. It would've been fair if he is the low earner, but why is he contributing only a third???!!! He is a user for sure!!! No matter how many I love you's he mutter's or says out loud... I love you are just 3 words!!! Focus on actions!
Absolutely. Love is action.The fee fees and blather are nothing
Absolutely. Love is action.The fee fees and blather are nothing without the foundation of actions of love.
If there are no actions of love, the feelings are false and the words are hollow. IMHO.
There is a part of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People that addresses just his. I was struggling in the early phase of my now nearly 30 year marriage questioning why I had remarried at all, particularly someone with a child. The corporate training I was in at that time that was using the book helped me pull my head out of my own ass. I have a very worn, heavily notate, and heavily post it tabbed of the the book. The most worn section, is that section. Every time I see that worn copy when we are packing or unpacking for a move, I re-read the book. I reference that section any time i see that book when i am in our study. Some times it can be years between opennings of the book. Some years I touch it multiple times a year. That section gets reviewed every time I touch it.
Now, in 85 days, we will celebrate our 30th anniversary of marriage and.... the 30th anniversary of the day we got papers making us the family that we are.
I have no doubt that we are where we are in large part because I got smacked in the head by a book that knocked my head out of my own ass and put me on the path of focusing on taking the actions of love. Action builds feelings, feelings build lifetimes of adventure and loves for the ages.... together.
Actions speak louder than
Actions speak louder than words. His actions are screaming at you. Time to listen.
I don't think you will be
I don't think you will be happy, long term, in this relationship. He is taking advantage of you, emotionally AND financially.
Tell him he can move in with his female friend and her child, since they all are so bonded and have such a good time together. Let her support him.
That's my worry. I wanted
That's my worry. I wanted someone to grow old with and I thought he was the right person for me but at what cost? It's affecting me mentally a lot, I keep getting angry at him, I want space from him a lot of the time, we're in couple's counselling and I'm anxious rather than excited about the wedding day, which is 6 months away.
Square peg meet round hole.
Square peg meet round hole. Why marry someone who doesn't fit your needs. If he aggravates you to the point you're in counselling, getting married might not be the best step forward. Do you really think he'll change? Never forget that a divorce costs more than a wedding...
Don't do it.
Don't go ahead with the wedding.
The red flags are all there and waving at you.
He sounds like a lot of these
He sounds like a lot of these user single dads. Good in the sack (hence the kids) and good with words but not good for much else.
Also, if you are relatively
Also, if you are relatively young and child-free, you can do so much better. Hell, even if you are old with 10 kids by 10 guys you can do better.
I'm 38, he's the only person
I'm 38, he's the only person who has wanted to marry me, I was single for a long time, so tbh I don't know that I will meet anyone else...and that doesn't necessarily worry me, I was pretty happy being on my own. I know I'm not perfect either, he tolerates me getting annoyed all the time.
Being single is definately
Being single is definately better than this guy. It will only get worse when you are married.
But, do you want to be
But, do you want to be annoyed all the time?
I was single for a long time when I met my husband. My married friends always went on about how they were so glad to be married and didn't have to do the dating thing, anymore. Sure, they found their person, but I would rather be single than be with the wrong person. By the way, I did not legally marry my DH for a looooong time.
Thirty-eight is not old and I believe that you will meet somebody else. A better somebody else, who cares about your needs and who respects you. Not just someone who tolerates you when you are annoyed. It just doesn't sound like he treats you like you are the "love of his life". It's one thing to say that, but he obviously does not walk it out.
At the very least, I would put off marriage. But, this is most likely who he is so I would really think about if he's who you want.
Letting you pay most of the bills, while he makes more money, is beyond my comprehension, especially when he's agreed to pay more. This should not have even had to be a discussion.
Also, not to say that men cannot have female friends, but hanging out with this chick and her kid, every other weekend, does not sit well with me, for some reason.
I don't like him.
Agree with others, it doesn't
Agree with others, it doesn't look like this realtionship is great for you.
This guy is a user and a looser. Kick him out. Cancel the wedding.
If he won't pay his full share of the living expenses he shouldn't be living there.
If he sees you working hard all weeked to look after your home and help your parents out and decides to go and hide away and have play dates so he doesn't have to help out at all then he is a user and not a life partner. He should be there helping you, showing his kid that families work together to look after their homes - giving his kid some small tasks to do so he can feel involved and proud to help. Instead Dad time is play time. He is not worth marrying.
Thank you! I had communicated
Thank you! I had communicated all of this to him before and with regards to helping out, he did help out once when his kid was there and his son had a great time playing outside and asked to help out more. SO did the minimum required and then started playing with his son, leaving me to do the rest. I appreciate he needs to spend time with his son which is why sometimes it's better all round if he goes to his parents and I do all the housework. We can't seem to reach a happy compromise.
If he can't balance
If he can't balance parenthood with a relationship, he should stay single. I get that it's hard on a parent to only have their kid every other weekend, but life does still happen and things still need to get done, and it's a great teaching opportunity. Even EOWE parents should not be all about play and having fun.
He says he's going to his parents, but then he goes off with friend and her kid. Just, no.
I don't really have any
I don't really have any reason to think this but is he gas lighting you? Deliberately making you jealous of his ex and his playdate single mom friend. And then making you feel like he is so generous to put up with you getting "annoyed all the time" - is that his phrase? Did you frequently get annoyed a lot before this relationship? Do you mostly get "annoyed" when he has done something questionable...does he deflect and focus on you getting annoyed to make you feel like the whole situation is your fault?
He does deflect and turn
He does deflect and turn things on me when I complain about something he has done (and I point out to him that he's turning it on to me) but the rest of your points I don't think he's guilty of, he doesn't try to make me jealous of either of them, and me getting annoyed at him are my words. I didn't really get this angry before meeting him but this is my first time living with a partner. He doesn't go out of his way to annoy me, it just happens. I'm still struggling with the situation of being a step mum, it hasn't been easy, I don't feel he's made much effort of his own accord to make things easier for me, there were times at the start when I'd feel like a third wheel in my own home, but after pointing it out to him, he stopped.
We are all struggling with
We are all struggling with this step parenting thing - that is why we are here. It is HARD and it is made harder by partners who are lazy parents.
Turning it on you. AKA... Gaslighting.
Dump this failed man, failed partner, and failed parent.
Get on with living your best life with he and his failed family baggage fading into your rear view mirror. Living well... is the best revenge. Enjoy living that revenge.
First step, next play date, rekey the locks and have their crap waiting on the curb when they get back from play date with daddy and his random harem of single moms and their spawn.
A man with a young kid is like crack for these types. When DW was in college and I was in Grad school, on weekends I would often take SS to a park or kid play place (Kid's Space, Panda-monium, even McDs with an indoor air conditioned play scape. I would have my books, etc.... and SS would run amok playing with other kids while I studied. This gave DW dedicated quiet focus time to get her own studies done.
I would get approached by a near constant wave of moms thinking I was a dad having visitation with my kid.
It was like bees to a flower.
He is using you. Period. Dot.
Take care of you.
Ditch this Loser
He's shown you who he is - think about how if he's this comfortable BEFORE marriage letting you do alllll the work and paying the majority of the bills... why would he change after a legal marriage to you?
I am sorry but you are better off without this loser. Kick him out and call off the engagement/wedding. You do not deserve to continue being used like this!
Break-ups hurt but they're far less painful than divorce. Free yourself of this baggage.
And.. far less expensive.
And.. far less expensive.
This is the “ honeymoon “ stage of life
What is life going to look like five years down the road. He not ready for a real relationship, He still has photos of the ex. [should print them out or put on flash drive]. Then put in saft place for DS. He should be paying 2/3 of all expenses. Two of them one of you. He should not let you garden and be out with another woman.
'You know this.. he playing his games. Exit plan.
Exactly! We have a
Exactly! We have a counselling session booked tomorrow and I told him I'll wait to speak with him when we're with the counsellor. I've brought all these issues up with him many times already, even in front of the counsellor and to be fair he has made some changes but it doesn't go far enough. I said I was struggling to bond with SS and the counsellor said he should have some fun time alone with his son and some fun time involving me...yes, me, not another woman!
They came back to my house at lunch time today, he fed SS and then they went out again on a play date with a different friend - they invited me but I declined as I had an appointment and don't really want to be around them right now. Besides, it's not like he's making plans with me - he invited me to plans he's already made without checking with me first. The only reason he has to come to my house is because my place is closer to his son's school, absolutely nothing to do with wanting to see or spend time with me, just convenience.
I've now insisted he pays half of the living costs from today onwards...of course he came up with a bunch of excuses but I won't back down - I'm not supporting them financially any longer.
"He should not let you garden and be out with another woman. " -thank you, I feel incredibly let down by this.
I'm keeping my distance until we speak with the counsellor tomorrow, if that makes me a rude stepmom to his son, I'm sorry but I can't help it after feeling this disrespected.
The fact that you have to
The fact that you have to keep asking him to pay his portion of the bills is such a huge red flag. This guy is 40 years old and makes more money than you. You've also talked to him about the play dates with that woman before, but he keeps that up, as well.
He just keeps taking advantage and keeps disrespecting you. And, I seriously doubt he's going to change, really change. This is who he is.
There are worse things than
There are worse things than being alone.
This guy has shown you that you are not a priority to him.
The pictures are actually the least of the worry.. it could be tedious going through thousands of pics on his phone (my husband has that many.. haha)... it's all the other ways he is treating you as someone he doesn't value.\
He is not being a partner.. you have to work.. he goes off to play.
with another woman.. no less.
and relationships are not always without some effort.. but they shouldn't be HARD.. the fact that you are in counseling before you have gotten to the alter.. speaks volumes that you are not compatible.
Math is apparently not a strong suit.
You pay 2/3 of the bills? He has a kid. Basic headcount to cost distribution, this script is flipped to what it should be.
I get that the spawn is gone except for EOWE, however, your SO should be paying more than half instead of 1/3.
You... are his sugar mama.
Stop that.
As for "our house". Did they move in with you?
If so, things are far easier to progress forward from.
Take care of you.
Yes, he moved into my house
Yes, he moved into my house only 4 months into our relationship - I didn't have much choice but it seemed like the right thing to do so I agreed. I never agreed to his son moving in - the agreement was that he'd take his son to his parents house when he had him. But as the relationship progressed, he wanted to have his son stay over sometimes and I agreed, I just didn't know they were going to treat my place like a hotel and me as the housekeeper. To be fair, he does take care of all his son's needs when he's here, I only help out with feeding and reading him a bedtime story.
It's past time for him to
It's past time for him to move out. Tell him that this isn't working for you an that he needs to find his own place. You can continue your relationship, only in separate homes. He's taken advantage of you for too long. Why should you be footing the bills for him? A decent man wouldn't have to be begged to pay his fair share of the bills.
It's my guess that if you do this he'll show his true colours.
Besides the money angle, I wouldn't want him around because I have zero tolerance for liars. He has repeatedly lied to your face about taking his son to his parents' when he clearly had other plans.
Don't let him use you anymore. He has very .much overstayed his welcome. Get him out and take your life back. You deserve so much better than this.
Oh that's a classic, the
Oh that's a classic, the crisis situation early in the relationship meaning he HAS to move in with you and for some reason can't/won't pay his fair share towards living there.
This guy konws how to use someone, he must have read the manual - I bet your not the first woman he has done this to.
Deleted duplicate.
Deleted duplicate.
Didn't have much choice?
Didn't have much choice?
Hmmmm?
I was wondering about that
I was wondering about that too. Sounds like romantic manipulation. I also wonder if he really does earn more than her, or even if he has a job at all. Seems to me there's a helluva lot of smoke and mirrors here.
He’s doing nothing for you
As a partner, lover, and friend. So why do you need him. He showing you NO respect. As making plans with you, about play dates. He doing what he wants. Time for him to move out.
Im definintely in Camp LeavetheUserLoser
Im definintely in Camp LeavetheUserLoser. Also in camp GTFO.
Make a list for yourself. Of all the things that are bothering you (annoyances imply they are petty - trust me they are NOT petty). They are VALID. Postpone the wedding. Make up a reason.
You can talk all you want, he will nod his head and then go off and do what he wants.
This will be your life with him it will not change.
I thought my husband loved me too. Turns out he wanted what he thought I could provide. And took and took and takes and takes. Husband is unatttractive to me right now, but I am hiding behind smiles and silence.
You can do better. At this point I would rather be single. A widow. Whatever. Love is not enough.