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Looking for some advice and reassurance.

Twinkie's picture

Let me start of by explaining my situation first.
I am 23. 2 years ago, I moved from Europe to Florida to marry my DH, knowing he had a son from his last marriage. He is 6 years old now. I haven't met him yet, because he lives with his mother in a different state and she is making it very hard for my DH to see him. He didn't see his son for about 3 and a half years now. He calls him to talk to him on the phone, but that has been difficult as well because he can hardly understand him. I've been told my SS has Asperger syndrome. I've researched it a bit online, but don't quite understand exactly what it means. The biological mother is not helpful with the situation at all. Most of the times she doesn't even pick up the phone when my DH is calling to talk to his son. She seems to have a pattern of hooking up with men and having kids with them, which she did to another man after my DH, and she's with a new man again now. The only thing she wants from my husband is money, and even though he's paying her child support, she just keeps asking for more money. With this whole issue my DH is slowly giving up more and more on even trying to call her/his son.

This Summer we will finally have enough money to go get him though, once his Summer break starts. I am very nervous. I have a lot of fears about the whole situation. My DH is going to be able to take a week off of work when his son first arrives here, but for the rest of the Summer I will be the one that will have to take care of him practically 24/7, since my DH usually works 12pm-10pm or so, and wakes up at 11am, just before work.
I am a child of divorced parents and I remember not liking any of my mother's new "friends" and looking at them as intruders. I am so afraid of that happening to me, now.
The thing that worries me most is that over the phone, his bio mother taught the kid to call my DH by his first name. I don't even know if he remembers him as his father. Once she mentioned to my DH not to call himself 'daddy', not to confuse him, because the man she's been with is the one my SS is calling daddy.
I don't know how my SS is going to react, going to a different state, to be with a man who is his father, that he hasn't seen for 3 and a half years, and me, a woman he's never seen in his life, that he is going to have to spend most of those 2-3 months here.

I am sorry if this post is not written well. I have so much going on in my head for the past few weeks and I don't seem to be too good in writing it down. I hope someone who has been in a similar situation can help me somehow. Thank you.

amber3902's picture

Asperger's is on the autism spectrum. (I had to learn about this condition because at one time I thought my D14 had this). These kids are very smart, but have very poor social skills. They have a hard time understanding social norms and as a result will appear as being rude when they really aren't trying to be.

To see what Aspergers look like, watch the Big Bang Theory. The character Sheldon is a classic example of Aspergers, very smart, poor social skills, can't understand social cues like sarcasm or jokes, does not like to be touched.

I don't know if it's a good idea that you are going to be the one spending the majority of the time with this child, especially if this is his first visit. Kids with Aspergers do not do well when their routine is changed. He may even react violently. I'd try to consider some options for dad to be there most of the time. Hopefully some one else has some suggestions for you.

Twinkie's picture

I wish that was an option. I really do. But his dad needs to work, and I am the only one that can be with him through the Summer. Putting him to daycare would make no sense. The only other option would be for him to stay with his grandparents, but they live 2 hours away and his routine would be even more disrupted with hopping from house to house.

Thank you for your comment. I appreciate it.

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

I agree, it sounds like a long time for a kid his age, especially one with special needs, to be away from his home for so long. Would it be possible to shorten it to a week or two in say, June? Then if that goes well, maybe do another week or two in August? He should be allowed to have a relationship with his father, but if he hasn't seen him in 3 1/2 years, he's essentially a stranger. I wouldn't feel comfortable sending my child off with a virtual stranger for the entire summer.

I would keep my expectations low in this situation.

Twinkie's picture

My DH is pretty keen on keeping him here for the Summer. I would love to meet my SS for a week or two, like you said. But with how much money is needed for the whole thing, there is no way we can afford it all. (Plane ticked for my DH to go there, 2 tickets for SS and DH to come back here, 2 tickets to go there, and a ticket for DH to come back here)

I don't know how to discuss the issue with my husband without him thinking I want to keep him from his son during the time he is entitled to get with him.

20 plus's picture

We have 2 nephews that have Asperger's. One on my side, one on DH. You would think they were brothers with their personalities and issues even though they are not related. Anyway they are very difficult at times ( still adore them to pieces) especially when they were little and we would watch them or visit etc. They KNEW us from birth. Your poor SS is going to be very disturbed by this. I know you don't want to be the bad guy but holy smokes! Your SS has special needs and you and DH need to research and maybe even speak to a counselor before he arrives to make a plan.