Don't Know What to Do
Hi,
Thank you for reading my post. This site has been so helpful that I have finally decided to do my first post. I apologize for the length.
My husband and I got married 5 years ago. When we met, he had 50/50 custody with his ex-wife. Within about a year, he had full custody of his then 14 year old daughter due to his ex-wife's living situation and unwillingness to be a parent of a teenager (her exact words were "she will live with you until she can abide by my rules".
For about 6 months, the arrangment worked. It became difficult due to stepdaughter's disrespect, unwillingness to acknowledge or say thank you (at this time, she was 16 years old). She requested that we find her a therapist, so we agreed and paid out of pocket for one that she liked. We attempted family meetings to discuss what was and wasn't working, and she refused to participate.
Things escalated when my husband and I set a boundary around her lying to a pastor in our community that we don't buy her food, which could not be farther from the truth. My husband told her that she could donate the food to a local church or the foodbank. She retailiated, called her mother and the sheriff, and left. She subsequently ran away from her mother's house and filed child abuse reports against my husband and myself. Due to my line of work, if anyone had found validity to her claim, I could lose my career that I have worked to build for 8 years.
She has since moved about 5 hours away and is 21 years old. She was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and in the last three months, has allegedly been placed on 3 involuntarily psychiatric holds. My husband recently had a conversation with her and stated that "what you did 4 years ago really hurt me", and she said, "what did I do"?
My husband wants to do therapy with her and he wants us to pay for it. She has not made any efforts to repair her relationship with her dad or me and only calls to complain about her life or tell him that she can't do things. He recently bought her a train ticket to visit a friend after her boyfriend broke up with her.
We are currently in escrow on a house and I have requested that she not have our new address because I believe that she is an unsafe person. My husband disagrees, despite the fact that we currently have a boundary that she is not allowed at our current house.
I understand that she will always be his daughter. Everyone is telling me that this is what I signed up for when I married someone with a child, but I don't know if I can live in constant fear waiting for her next crisis and the argument that will ensue with my husband.
Just wondering if this is workable or if the situation has become untenable? I welcome any advice or perspective, and would appreciate any judgement-free thoughts.
Husband needs clarity
She will always be his daughter, yes, but she is an adult, and should be able to take care of herself, but we all know these precious princess children of divorce are "special".
You need to have a serious heart to heart. No more funding of unsafe daughter, and no shes not allowed at your house because she can get you fired.
What you signed up for in marrying your husband was NOT a life of servitude to his failed first family attempt and failed spawn.
Cameras might help with your feeling more safe.
This past weekend SD25 Feral Forger texted husband for money and he said no so she tried guilting him by saying he "abandoned her for his whore of a wife", and things got real dirty real fast.
So, the lesson here, is your safety is the priority. Your husbands marriage and spouse are the priority. Not this COD.
Thank you for your
Thank you for your perspective. I have told him that I will be installing cameras and if she shows up, I will call the police. My husband feels that she is not physically unsafe, but emotionall and psychologically, she could be. My husband agrees that the marriage is the priority; however, he also says that I can't expect him to cut his daughter out of his life. I'm trying to remain in the marriage and not quit because it is hard, but when I think about spending the rest of my life dealing with the chaos of his daughter and disagreeing with him about what boundaries should be set, it makes me wonder if this is sustainable.
You can face this head on.
You can face this head on. You can set ground rules... and should discuss what "being in her life" means for you and your home.
If you don't feel safe due to past issues.. then you can say that for now.. the rule is that he can see her outside your home and that you prefer she doesn't know where you life.
You can set boundaries as to how much time away from you is reasonable.
You can set boundaries about any shared finances he may want to help her with (or none at all). You can separate finances if he won't agree to limits or exclusion of financial support.
You can focus on disengaging yourself... if he brings her up. or her latest drama.. practice your neutral answers..
Oh.. really.. hmmm
Huh? Ok.
yeah... gee... uhuh...
Oh.. by the way.. did I tell you mom is going to bake a cake for after church sunday?
Ohh.. forgot to tell you.. that the dryer is making that noise again.
Do not weigh in. If he starts on about wanting to do more for her than you have agreed on.. neutrally remind him. "We already talked about that and you said we were not going to provide financial support... or were only going to help her with X".
have no opinion.. no advice.. make discussions with you wholly unproductive and unfruitful.. he will potentially eventually stop.
As far as therapy.. he can go if he feels that will help her regain some footing. I get that what she did as a young teen was very hurtful.. but apparently she is dealing with some issues and as a parent.. I'm sure he wants to try to help her work through them.. despite her being an adult.. she is still his child. I would not have a problem with him doing what he felt he needed to if it did not harm our home or relationship.
Remind him that she caused real harm to your life.. and that she has expressed zero remorse. you are not able to forgive and forget.. and that it will require her proving over a longer term that she is capable of having a sane and mature relaitonship and that you aren't engaging with her until you see some evidence.
Thank you for your
Thank you for your perspective. It all makes alot of sense. I don't have a problem with him doing therapy with her, in fact, I support it. However, I think that if we use my insurance (my husband is on my health insurance), then she should have to pay for half the copay. He disagrees because he knows if he asks her to pay for half, she won't do it. Which to me, is very telling.
My DH and I came to an
My DH and I came to an agreement that his kids are not welcome in our home. We have slipped a few times, always regrettably. DH sees his kids elsewhere. Still talks to them on the phone, occasionally updates me (usually on their antics). For some strange reason, this works well for all of us except perhaps for his moocher 30-something son.
Unconditional love does not
Unconditional love does not mean unconditional acceptance of crap behavior. DH needs this message.
A major point of clarity that you need to deliver to DH is that you are not asking him to cut his daughter our of his life. You are demanding that he cut his daughter out of your life. His commitment is to you, to your marriage, and to make that marriage and you his priority. As that marriage and he are your priority.
Also give him clarity that you will put the biggest hairy eyeball security system with cameras, microphones, and alarms everywhere in your new home with 24/7 monitoring and will call the police if she ever sets foot on the property your home is built on.
Let him know that you are engaging an attorney to file a Restraining Order/Protective Order against her if he does not commit to your requirements on this and you will take it completely out of his and her hands.
Not to be mean or vindictive, but to be diligent in protecting your own wellbeing and the safety of your home.
Make sure to give DH clarity that if BM can stipulate that SD would live with DH until she could abide by the rules in BM's home, that you can stipulate that SD will not have any presence in your life due to her being a dangerous and unstable risk to your safety. She is no longer a minor and neither DH nor BM, and for sure not you, have any duty to care for this Skidult.
Then if DH does not abide by your stipulations, file the RO/PO and take it out of DH's hands.
Welcome by the way. I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful advice from others who are living the adventure of the blended family dream.
And.. there is nothing for you to appolgize about.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Take care of you.
Thank you for your input. I
Thank you for your input. I would love to file a RO/PO against his daughter; however, I don't think it would stand in court. Her emotional abuse happened 4 years ago and I don't think it would be enough to prove she is still a threat. But I like your idea.
Not cutting his daughter out
Not cutting his daughter out of his life doesn't automatically mean having her in your home. He goes to her, he doesn't invite her to your home.
If your DH has your back
He should not put you in a situation where his sick DD can distroy your job and life. He can not have her in your home at this time. He free to meet up with SD anyplace he wants. But any financial giving to SD will be a joint agreement. You opening a personal bank account [in your name only] you get equal financial benefits put into your bank account .
DH trying to play match maker, peace keeper, this just can't be done . Not with a mental sick person.
Unconditional love does not mean unconditional acceptance
Unconditional love does not mean unconditional acceptance of crap behavior.
Im going to print this and tape to the walls.
Unconditional love doesn’t exist and BPD is lifelong.
That discourse about unconditional love is quite useless. We all love conditionally - the conditions might vary, but most of us have a boundary somewhere, and when it is crossed, the person is out of our lives forever. We have different lines in the sand for different levels of closeness (from e.g., an obnoxious comment from someone we hardly know to a serious crime or an act of violence from our partner or even a child). We all know some famous media cases where parents/partners never abandoned the worst kind of criminals, but that's generally an exception, not rule.
You do not have love anyone unconditionally, and it is only up to you to determine what your conditions and boundaries are. Because if we allow others to transgress those habitually, we ultimately betray ourselves.
In regards to BPD - it is an untreatable condition, characterised by tumultuous relationships and being drawn to chaos, manufacturing chaos when there's none and generally thriving in chaos. Unlike depression or anxiety, BPD means it's a disordered personality,, it's in every cell so to speak. You can't cure someone of their personality or give them a personality transplant. BPDs are known to put new people on a pedestal first hoping that finally they have met someone who will save them from themselves, then very quickly, when they realise that person is only human, they get kicked off that pedestal and now the BPD is on the anihilation mission, so your SD's attempts to ruin your career and reputation were not accidental. Just Google Reddit BPD Loved Ones forum to read some horror stories. BPD will never change, the only thing you can do is draw your boundaries and keep her far away from your safe haven. If your husband wants to be an enabler, that's fine, but it doesn't have to be anywhere near you.
Referencing unconditional
Referencing unconditional love is a cautionary phrase IMHO. When it comes to toxic people, including those with BPD or any other alphabet condition of the moment, far to many people put on the martyrdom hat because of the fabrication of uncontional love and then sacrifice themselves, their own life happiness, due to the social fabrication of unconditional love that parents are held to.
I agree with you.
Fortunately I have not been confronted by BPD for whatever shit behavior syndrome of the moment is prevalent at any given time. Or if I have, I have purged it so rapidly that did not register for long. My give a shit about why these types do what the do is zero. That they do it, is what I care about. My stance is, they get shitty, they get a life of escalating abject misery and isolation.
Syndromed or not, they are making choices. They need to live the consequences of those choices and everyone else needs to isolate those people and keep them out of our lives and the lives of the well behaved people that we care about.
That keeps it simple in my mind.
That’s quite right.
When the house is burning down, our job is to get out. Not to ponder upon the the origins of the fire as it is engulfing us.