I am new to this site
I just found this site about an hour ago..and I read where many other people who are step-moms go through similar circumstances with their step-daughters. Mine is a long story, but its like it just happened yesterday all the hurt its still fresh wounds and I have been praying to have my heart healed from the deep hurts I have endured from my step-daughter. Let me start by saying I did not know how to be a step-mom. Becoming a bioligical mother just comes naturally and I really got the two confused when I met my husband. My children were 14 and 7 his daughter was 12. This was my 2nd marriage and was also his. We did not marry until 3 years of being a live in couple. I was previously married for 8 years and he was with my steps mom for a total of 17 years 3 years dating and 14 years marriage. They did not get along and alot of anger, resentment, and bitterness settled in the both of them when I came along. They were not divorced very long before my husband met me more like a total of 3 months. At first my step really liked me she was happy to see her daddy happy. By the time she turned 15 is when the trouble started. She was back and forth living with us and then her mother..finally by 16 she permanently stayed with her mother. She and her mother have a "friendship" relationship. Her mother pretty much let her do whatever she wanted. Me and my step were close at one time she told me she was glad to have a family and at the time I believed her. As the years have passed, she has become very distant of me and has made it a habit of acting as though I am not even in the room when she talks to her daddy. We have had altercations, and I have apologized where needed but she has NEVER apologized she just goes about acting as though nothing ever happened..she has been jealous of my daughter because my husband has done alot for her but at the time my daughter was getting an education and wanting to attend college. His daughter quit school at age 15, she has since then got her GED but she pretty much threw her life down the tube where she has had so much opportunity. I have wanted nothing but the best for her. She has recently had a daughter who was born on my daughters birthday thought that was definitely a "God thing". She married the daddy after my grandbaby was about 6 months old. They are very immature and drama queen and king..she still manipulates folks to get her way. Recently I guess when my granddaughter was around 6 months old, I had to put my foot down and tell her I couldn't watch the baby all the time I didn't mind helping out by no means but she would leave her with me for 6 hours or more and it was just too much for me. She never asked me to watch her again. I was willing to take that risk. I still get to see the baby through my husband which is how I like it..She has just made me feel used and rejected is the most I am feeling. I just want to heal from it and move on.
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I hope everyone gets some
I hope everyone gets some insight and perspective in what I share with you about my experience in being a step-parent I have NOT enjoyed it..I have plenty to say but what I want to gain from being on this sight is wisdom and healing. I no longer wish to be affected my her motives and her hurtful ways towards me I am ready to move on and accept the way things are whether that be we are never close or we find some mended bridge to cross.
Hi sml - welcome to the site.
Hi sml - welcome to the site. Your situation sounds very painful and I am sorry for the hurt you have been through (and will probably continue to go through). This question gets asked a lot, but what is your relationship with your DH like where the SK is concerned? To me, this has been one of the best sources of help on the site, realizing the role my BF has played in my situation. If you feel supported by DH in matters where SK are concerned you have a great chance of success. But what I have realized for me anyway is that there will always be pain in my life where steps are concerned. So as many people have suggested, learn to disengage to avoid some of the hurt. Focus on your own family.
Hope that helps
Welcome sml! I'm glad you're
Welcome sml! I'm glad you're here!
There are many of us who come here to try to learn, grow, & heal. There are some who are here simply to vent.
Whatever your reason for being here, I think you'll find a lot of support, as many of us are dealing with similar issues.
My MIL goes through the same
My MIL goes through the same as you are... when the skids were little, BM's expected that MIL would watch them whenever they needed to go tanning, go out, etc... and for free of course. MIL said no and to this day there is resentment there basically because she wouldn't let them walk all over her like they are accustomed to doing with everybody else. Skids are now 12 and 13 and really don't have any relationship with MIL. MIL is to the point where she just doesn't care anymore.
I think what makes the resentment with them even worse is that MIL does provide daycare for my BS1 and has since he was three months old and I returned to work. The difference is, I pay her, as I should! MIL told me that SS12's BM called and asked if MIL would watch SS over the summer and MIL said no. Again, because she knew that she'd never get a dime, that BM would just expect that she'd do it for free.
I think it's great that you stood up for yourself and didn't allow yourself to be taken advantage of by an ungreatful skid.
It was definitely a relief to
It was definitely a relief to stand up to myself..my SD is VERY MANIPULATIVE..however I do have two children of my own that are manipulative too mostly about giving them money..but it does hurt to know all you ever tried to do was be a good stepmother all to feel used and rejected..I am beginning to realize that you pretty much have to live with it when it comes to SKids its just how it is..Divorce is such a big impact on a kid..I am dealing with a situation now my son who is 15. I think it may be better when the kids are older and adults but while they are still pre teens are even a child, it is a terrible amount of hurt and rejection you go through. That's why its so important to have a good relationship with the ex and sometimes even that don't help. I think me and my SD have come to some kind of understanding non communicatively she KNOWS where I stand..and I have reached the point to where I have been in her life for 8 years she has already decided whether she likes me or not..and I don't really care anymore if she don't..I have opened my heart up way too many times for this girl to get hurt and rejected so sorry I CANNOT AND WILL NOT do it anymore..I stay my distance..and I may on occasion hug her or kiss her head and say I love her and she responds or rather she DOESN'T REJECT..She has here lately say "I LOVE YALL" instead of just saying "I love you" to her daddy so its a step in the right direction so far.
I have NEVER been one to
I have NEVER been one to stand up for myself enough growing up, beleive me it took just getting tired of it. I get ALOT of support from my husband..he understands my hurt and he doesn't act like my SD does not do things I tell him she does..he does hate the drama, but there really isn't any because I don't make it drama. Things have gotten way better since we moved away from them. Its been about a month now being away, and it gives me time to heal from all the hurt. I think my SD has been a little jealous of my relationship with her daddy because she and her daddy just don't communicate very well. But she has really NEVER tried to come between us. I still get aggravated with her about things such as expecting her daddy fix her car when she has a husband now that kind of thing but my husband knows when to put his foot down. She has disrespected me really only once and I was really upset because my husband didn't confront her then, but I put my foot down and told him he better get her to understand that I WASN'T gonna take being disrespected and my kids NEVER disrespected him. He did say something to her I wasn't there, but he told her that she is not to talk to me that way again. She does listen to her daddy. And she does respect me. She talks to her mother pretty bad so I'm sure she thought she could me. Since the baby has been born, her mother has been a different person meaning a better person to me. Prayer works believe me!! Sure I will have something to vent about if she comes around too much. lol
I do agree that you pretty
I do agree that you pretty much have to get immune to being hurt because its gonna happen with step-kids regardless of how much effort and love you give them..I have gotten to where I just don't care anymore. I did feel used and rejected by her several times in the past. I wanted so badly to be close to her and she didn't feel the same now I just let it all go and feel like a weight has been lifted off me. My kids don't have the best relationship with my husband because he was firm and didn't let them get by with anything. My son doesn't even want to come around him right now. My son is 15 and lives with his grandparents bc we moved before the school year was up. My husband and son had some words about a month ago and my son is still mad about it but it was my fault for even putting my husband in the middle of mine and my son's arguement at the time. My step-daughter was pretty much a rebellious teenager going back and forth to get her way..think I've seen it all. I know she knows that all I have ever tried to do was be there for her. I don't think kids realize how badly they can hurt a person who only wants to love you. I am just so glad that I have gotten over so much of this. Now believe me the things she does gets next to me way worse than what my kids do even if it may look like she is doing the same thing. I have gotten used to the ignoring and just speak when I'm spoken to..she seems to do better with me now that I have moved away. Before, I was so sick of her drama and her situation with her husband..she kept putting her daddy in the middle of it then running back to her husband..I told my husband he had to stay out of it..he finally did. I had my SD's husband's stepmother to talk to alot about this so when I got on this site, all that I was venting about, wasn't happening anymore. You wouldn't believe the anger and frustration I went through even with my step's mama there for a while..thinking they can say and do whatever they wanted and nobody was supposed to day ANYTHING. When I put my foot down about babysitting my grandbaby, I realized all she was doing was using me when she never asked me again..now that kind of hurt. But thats been about 3 months ago. Just let me say God knew if I didn't move away, I WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN ABLE TO GET OVER ALL THE DAMAGE AND HURT. I truly believe that..Now I am praying we ALL somehow have some kind of a relationship we were NEVER REALLY A FAMILY..AND THAT HURTS.