BM's new card - "I don't like your girlfriend." Uhhh since when?
So like two weeks ago when BM first took the kids and refused to let us see them, I sent her a text message (after maybe one too many glasses of wine) to try and open her eyes a little. That was my first mistake. BM doesn't give a shit about anyone or anything but herself, so therefore everyone but her is in the wrong.
In my text message I basically said ---> "Look I understand you think you're acting in your child's best interest but you're not considering the situation logically. I try to respect you as a mother but when you act like this, I just can't. Your son has a father who loves him more than anything and would and is doing everything he can to be a part of his life. And you are trying to deprive your child of that. Withholding a child from his parent is NEVER in the child's best issue. Haven't you ever heard of the term 'daddy issues' and the sort of abandonment a child feels (whether they know it or not) when a parent is absent from their life? How many issues do you think SS3 is going to have to deal with when all this is over and done with? He starts of living happily with his mother, seeing his father regularly, and then he experiences something traumatic (house burning down) and is taken away from his mother and allowed limited contact for reasons he cannot understand. Then, he is living happily with his father and seeing his mother once a week and adjusting to the routine. Then he is taken away from his father and allowed NO contact for reasons he cannot understand. He has no idea what is going on, just that he can't see the people he loves whenever he wants. Please tell me how you are 'protecting' your child? ...just something to think about."
So then she never texted me back for the past two weeks until just yesterday. And her text made absolutely no sense. It said something like "We don't do anything as the three of us as a family... I have never invited BF to any event and I never will either... if he's telling you we're doing something together he's lying." I have NO idea where that came from or what the hell she is talking about still. And she also texted BF a similar text, ie: "Are you AWARE of the novel your girlfriend had the balls to send me?! I don't know what you're telling her but perhaps you should talk to her and straighten it out! I am not going to talk to her anymore and I hope it goes the same for her! I am serious BF, tell her to fuck off!" So he was all grouchy with me because apparently she was considering letting us have the kids this week (MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY!) and he figured that after all that she wouldn't.
I don't want the kids this weekend, honestly. It's my birthday, we had plans to GO OUT, and I don't want the kids there... um sorry, it's my day! Anyway, so as of today BF and I have been together for 1 year. Good God lol. So we were both in pretty cheery moods and he went out drinking with his buddies last night so he kind of 'got over' the BM drama. Today he basically said she's an idiot and neither of us have any idea what she's talking about, she's just trying to find another excuse not to give us the kids. And this weekend it's "I don't like your girlfriend." Even though up until like yesterday we've always kinda gotten along and it's basically just been her shit talking BF to me and trying to get me to turn against him or something. Now all of a sudden it's reversed? Ugh, get a life BM... I'm not going anywhere.
She had asked BF to watch the kids from 6:30-7:30 on Tuesdays while she goes to her "Children Who Have Survived Trauma" therapy classes... LOL, with HER being the 'child' that survived whatever... (rape/kidnapping/fire/abuse/etc .. you name it, it's supposedly happened to her - anything to excuse her addict behaviour and have people feel sorry for her and give her attention ...) so it will be interesting if she still intends on bringing them to us. Probably will if she can't find a babysitter, because of course we're "FREE"...
LOL... life.
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I think you realize this, but
I think you realize this, but in the future, it might be best to not text her.
Also, if he hasn't, bf needs to go to court to get a visitation schedule set in stone. Then she can't dictate when he has the kids.
Yeah, LOL. I learned my
Yeah, LOL. I learned my lesson. I told BF right away that I did it, we just assumed she didn't care because it took her 2 weeks before she suddenly decided to be mad about it. Lol. Sometimes I just can't help myself. And in the times leading up to her going apeshit and power hungry, we were talking on good terms so I stupidly thought maybe she respected me enough to hear my P.O.V. The whole reason I even HAD her number was because she gave it to me and said something like, "Since we're the Moms here we should just deal with each other directly" so I was all... stupid, basically ha. Damn me and my trusting BMs sincerity.
Spare yourself the anger and
Spare yourself the anger and the angst and go find a man with no children.
Trust me on this. It will never get better.... only worse.
Your email was out of line
Your email was out of line and it hasn't helped the situation any. Let your BF and his EX figure it out. You discuss what your needs are with your BF and he can arrange his schedule/the kids schedule with his ex based on that.
Anon2009 is right - have your BF get a CO put into place and follow it.
---> She was TONS nicer that
---> She was TONS nicer that I would have been if you'd sent me that text. Wow. By the time I was done with you, you'd be under the kitchen table, whimpering and sucking your thumb <---
Hahahah. Thanks for the laugh hun, Lord knows I could use it.
Considering I have been the one dealing with BM the whole summer (pick up/drop off, arranging visits, etc) because I wasn't working and BF was, I was acting on behalf of BF. He wasn't involved in any of the visitation arrangements since I'm the one with the car and when the kids were with us was based on MY schedule since *I* was the one watching them.
---> you are NOT a parent. <---
No? Than what am I... a Step Idiot? If providig clothes, child care, food, a roof over their head, potty training, diaper changing, laundry, a clean house, a drive from point A to point B, entertainment, enrichment, etc Etc ETC !!! doesn't make me a parent then I'd love to know what does... let me guess, housing a child in my uterus for 10 months? Lol. Okay then, BM.
You're missing my point. I
You're missing my point. I know I'm not LEGALLY a parent. You can consider it whatever you want, but I consider myself a parent if not AT THE VERY FUCKING LEAST a parental figure. I don't call paying for daycare, buying groceries to feed them regularly, etc running errands... Anyway, I digress.
And last time I checked 40 weeks was full term, but what do I know, hey?
Echo is just saying that
Echo is just saying that while you may well do ALL of the things that a BM does, you simply are NOT the BM, and that is all that matters.
If the title bothers you, realize the things you do are optional, and stop doing them! Which is the best part of NOT BEING A BM! You absolutely have a choice!
You are just doing someone a very, very nice FAVOR at this point. You don't get and won't ever get the same kind of credit/appreciation a BM does, even if they are a P.O.S.
Full-term pregnancy is
Full-term pregnancy is between 37-41 weeks. We prefer babies to be remain in utero for at least 39 weeks. This decreases the risks of complication after birth. 9 months is what people like to say, but it actually works out to say 9 months and 3 weeks. Some people say 9.75 months, some say 9 months, some say 10 months. It is hard to pinpoint the exact date of conception, even though Nagele's rule is so often used to pinpoint the date. It is not very accurate.
Why would you do all of that
Why would you do all of that for a man who may still be in love with BM?
I wonder if BM's text was in response to something your BF discussed with her.
There's no way she ignored what you wrote for two weeks. S omething went on between your text and her response.
You are doing way too much,
You are doing way too much, apparently for all the wrong reasons. You are not the legal parent, not EVEN a legal guardian. You're not a biological parent either. If doing these things makes you feel like you are, than I think this is where you feel like you have "rights" to send BM messages like you sent.
I feel sorry for you because I believe you thought that all your hard work and care would allow you to be accepted as a "parent". Unfortunately, you are actually just being a housekeeper and nanny! We would hope and expect that by doing so much for the little angels that we would earn something, but that is why many of us are here! It isn't, NOR will it EVER be that we are a parent figure.
If you aren't just doing the things you do because you LIKE cleaning, taxiing etc, than I suggest you give it up, because it seems that BP's are using you to do the dirty work and expecting to receive all the parental praise!
Reallife...your post was very
Reallife...your post was very well stated. Just wanted to take a second to let you know how impressed I am at your ability to hone right in on the real issue at hand, and in my experience, everything you said here is right on point. With all of this happening just a year into OP's relationship, I can't help but think that she is expecting to be noticed, appreciated, and thanked for her efforts. VERY FEW of us are ever thanked for anything, except maybe by our DH.
With that said, if you (OP) want to have any sort of working, sincere relationship with BM, then you have to put aside your own opinions when it comes to how and why she does the things she does. Having a few glasses of wine and drunk texting character assaults on her is NOT going to bode well for you or DH. With no court order, he truly is at BM's mercy when it comes to seeing his kids. Unfair, but reality.
Also, I can totally understand why your BF was upset with you about the text and it leading to another case of BM withholding his kids from him. I understand that you see the error of your ways in sending the text now, but the damage has been done. While you may have been able to get some frustrations off your chest, it has damaged your BF's position with BM, and will no doubt trickle down to his kids. If he is rarely able to get his children for visits, and BM had planned to let him have them, his anger about the missed opportunity is completely understandable. Who cares if it was your birthday weekend? Do you have any idea how many of our "special days" have been postponed, affected, cancelled, or otherwise compromised due to issues with BM or skids, or even our own bios? That's just life. You've got to be able to roll with it, because this is just the first of many more times you'll have to come to terms with things not going the way you planned.
Imagine for a moment that you are the BM here, and your EX's girlfriend of a year sent you a text like that. I know that I would feel incredibly angry, judged, and scared that these same negative sentiments were being repeated about me in front of my children. I'm not saying that you would do that, but BM now knows, without a doubt, that you believe that she is sub-par as a parent, which is something no one wants to feel or hear, from anyone, much less a person that spends time with their kids.
While I do understand that sometimes it can be easier on everyone if the SM and BM do the communicating and arrangements, it's never the SM's job to "call out" BM on the SM's ideas of BM's perceived shortcomings as a parent. If your BF feels that she's doing wrong by the children, he can remedy that himself. But you are alienating yourself by doing it on your own, and your BF has to deal with BM for the rest of his life. Some BM's are impossible to get along with, but it sounds like things weren't that bad, and she was at least accepting of you before your text. If you can't find it within yourself to make amends with her, then just do what you can to not make it worse in the future, and tread far more lightly from here on out. Best of luck to you.
Just go back and read Sammx
Just go back and read Sammx blog from 9/12/12, especially the exchange between BM and Sammx.
To those making snarky comments on here, just try to look at the whole picture (as best as we can on a forum like this) and stop trying to personalize this as if it is your own situation.