Step Daughter has Serious Issues
The last couple weekends we've had my Step daughter come and stay with us. I have noticed she is Extremely insecure. She will Run as fast as she can when we get out the car to run to her dad & hold his hand. This passed weekend, every time I held DH hand, SD9 would grab his other hand. If I let go, she would let go. If was talking, she would wait until I am ending my sentence & jump in and say something, on and on it would go. If i was finished with what I was telling my DH. SD9 would say nothing.
DH shows me affection & lays against me while watching TV, SD9 would lay on DH. If he sits up straight, SD9 is fine on her own side.
Ive known my SD9 since she was 3. DH divorced Bio Mom when SD9 had just turned 1. I only met DH 3 years later.
SD9 will sit outside the bathroom door waiting for DH to come out... She did this when we were planning the wedding, then it stopped after we were married. Now 3 years later, she's doing it again.
Can anyone explain why all of a sudden is she so insecure & jealous?
DH does give her attention, he plays with her, tickles her, talks to her. Holds her close by him when sitting next to her. Why or what more attention does she need?
Reflame.
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Thanks for those thoughts, I
Thanks for those thoughts, I never saw it that way... that she was maybe trying to be mini wife. It is not every time that my DH holds his daughter around the shoulders when sitting by her. Sometimes she will lean against him & he wont do anything. One of the major problems is, she has a younger step sister at her Mom, whom she gets pushed aside for, BM shows no affection or loving towards SD9, so i think she craves it when she is by us.
I am very selfish in my thinking that I also want DH attention and be HIS wife, and not have to compete with a child. & DH does put me first a lot, not pushing aside SD9 but making her understand, that I am DH partner, not his daughter.
My SD(now14) did all of the
My SD(now14) did all of the above and then some. She was jealous, insecure and wanted mommy and daddy back together. She knew that with me in the picture, that wouldn't happen, so she tried to insert herself into every situation she could to get between us. Even went as far as calling a "family meeting" between her, DH and BM regarding mine and DH's relationship causing her stress and making her uncomfortable.
The only way it all ended was me putting my foot down with DH and letting him know that *I* was his significant other, not his little precious girl and if he wanted a relationship with me, he'd have to put me first. She acted like a mini-wife and he allowed it. I told him flat-out, the over-the-top attention and affection was only instigating her and validating her need to be in a position over me in his life.
He sat her down (she was 12 at the time) and explained girlfriend behavior/status and daddy/daughter behavior/status and how it all was supposed to look and function. She was pissed that dear daddy was in love with me and felt like I was taking her place in his life. He explained that she was his CHILD, not his girlfriend and he had different obligations to both she and I. The inappropriate behavior she was demonstrating (i.e., holding his hand everywhere we went, fingers interlaced, following him to the bathroom, laying on him, sitting on his lap, spooning with him on the floor, etc) needed to end as she was way too old and that wasn't a way a dad behaves with his child, but how he'd interact with a girlfriend.
It took many conversations and DH pulling away as she tried to interlace her fingers into his or show 'wifely' affection to him. Unfortunately, she is such an attention whore, she turned to boys and ended up having phone sex/actual sex with her boyfriend at 13.
We had her in therapy as well, and we and the therapist explained to her that attention/affection does have its place between a father and daughter, but not in that fashion that she believed. We also all tried teaching her that sex does not equal love or value. She chose to be like her mother and proceed into whoredom.
I do think your SD needs some counseling and some STRONG boundaries from your husband as to what is appropriate interaction between the two of them. He needs to foster her independence and force her into (safe) situations that normally she wouldn't be comfortable in, to show her she's safe and he cares for her, but she needs to break free from his side. We started by encouraging SD to wander stores alone browsing (but within sight) and playing the video games at Buffalo Wild Wings while we were sitting at a table together. When I first met her, she wouldn't leave his side!!!
Good luck and nip it now before she gets worse. DH needs to step up and set boundaries with her now!
Hi Mel, I have repeatedly
Hi Mel,
I have repeatedly tried to speak to DH about getting SD9 counselling years ago already and he has refused. I believe its because he doesn't want to acknowledge her issues may be because of him! (he left BM). When I point out that she is insecure and there is something not right, he just says, she needs more attention, We dont spend time with her.
He gets mad at me because he expects me to be Mommy. She has BM!!! I am not there to bake cookies & be her new BFF! I look after her when she is with us. I wont allow anything bad to happen to her. But that is where it ends. It would be a different situation if BM wasn't in the picture, but she is. Why must I pretend to be someone I am not? Lie to her, everyone else as well as myself, and dread every second?
I have also warned DH that SD9 will more likely fall pregnant at a young age & have a BF too young. BM wont care & she will hide it from DH knowing he will disapprove.
There is just so much I can say and do, it is not actually in my hands because of SD9 not being mine.
I feel one side I must take responsibility for her, the other, im not her BM so why should i. Not only that coming from my mouth/mind but from other family memebers as well.