I need help as a BM with my kid's SM
Hey ST family - I really need some help.
My relationship with my ex is contentious, we really do not ever talk, only communicating via email when necessary. He does not exercise all his parenting time so the kids are with me and FDH most of the time. As a reminder I have three bio kids, S16, D14, D8. ExH also has twin 2 year old boys with new wife.
He and his wife had the kids last weekend for Labor Day and I got a call from my D14 to come get them right away on Monday morning (not supposed to come home until 6pm)
The SM and my D8 had gotten into an argument over her eating the last popsicle that resulted in my daughter running away from SM and locking herself in the bathroom. SM opens the bathroom door, grabs my daughter's arm and squeezes it hard enough to leave a bruise while at the same time yelling at her. This is the same time that D14 calls me to come get them. I was torn - I think the kids should work out their issues with their dad at his house and I need to stay out of it but I could also hear my D8 crying in the background.
I insisted D14 go get permission from her dad to leave before I would come over. When I got there, the kids were a mess and we just did not talk about what happened for the rest of the day. I took a picture of the bruise and am now at a loss as to what to do.
Being a SM is hard, I know, I am one. But, I would never lay a hand on my SD - it is not my place, I would not want to deal with her BM and frankly I have more self-control than to do something like that. I suppose I need to email Dad but that will do no good - do I keep the kids from going?
Help - what would you guys do? I need BM and SM opinions.
Thanks
Yes.
Yes.
Sm has not right to lay a
Sm has not right to lay a hand on your child, as you know since you would never do that to your SK's. I think you need to have a conversation with your EX, not an email. As this is not acceptable and really could be seen as child abuse in the eyes of Child Services. Anytime to lay a hand on a child and it leaves a bruise is a BIG NONO with Child Services. You are their mother you have a right to speak up and ensure the safety of your child. Yes being a SM is hard so is being a bio parent but IMO neither gives you the right to leave bruises on a child.
I find it difficult to
I find it difficult to believe that a mother would lose custody for documenting abuse unless she was making up endless lies etc. I think the OP has a right to be concerned. I sure as heck would be with someone getting to a point they grabbed my child by the arm and bruised her. The SM was obviously angry.
The SM used to spank the kids
The SM used to spank the kids when they were younger - I had to take ex back to court to modify decree to be specific about who could adminster corporal punishment. I doubt she feels bad about it - after 5 years of experience with her I thinks he probably feels justified in doing what she did.
I would not keep them from him but the older kids can decline to visit and if they do that then the 8 year old will flat out refuse to go.
I spoke to my attorney who said I have to make them avaialble, I cannot keep them from going and he cannot make the older ones. She gave me allmy legal options, I am trying not to kill a mosquito with a bazooka though.
I took the picture while we were goofing around so she doesnt realize I was doing it to take a picture of the bruise specifically.
From a BM of 20 plus years
From a BM of 20 plus years here and a SM of half of that; there is no way in hell I would EVER send, much less "visit" anywhere where my kids might be in any danger. NEVER. They could haul my ass to jail BUT never would I let my kids be hurt. IF SM was already "spanking", why in the HELL did you let them go back?!!!
no fucking way.
It was 5 years ago that we
It was 5 years ago that we modified the decree and she has not laid a hand on them since. I was dumb and new to all this back then. If i Had known then what I know now, I would have pushed for supervised visits when she was around. They were not amrreid at the time, only living together.
This whole thing is such a mess, I dont know which way to turn.
My ss was pulled from his bm
My ss was pulled from his bm by child services, so they were involved in our life for about 2 years before the case was resolved. Here in FL, and I would assume its similar elsewhere, it is concidered abuse if there is a mark left on the child two hours after the incident.
So redness that goes away in a few hour-ok. A red welt that's there the next day- not ok. Any bruise left on a child- def not ok.
If she had just grabbed and yelled at her, I would say keep an eye on it. But you already have a history of her putting her hands on your kids. She already has a court order in place that she is not to physically discipline them. And she lost control to the point that she left a bruise. If this was my child, I probably would he calling child services to document and taking the ex back to court.