Need help with my kid's SM -
Hey ST family - I really need some help.
My relationship with my ex is contentious, we really do not ever talk, only communicating via email when necessary. He does not exercise all his parenting time so the kids are with me and FDH most of the time. As a reminder I have three bio kids, S16, D14, D8. ExH also has twin 2 year old boys with new wife.
He and his wife had the kids last weekend for Labor Day and I got a call from my D14 to come get them right away on Monday morning (not supposed to come home until 6pm)
The SM and my D8 had gotten into an argument over her eating the last popsicle that resulted in my daughter running away from SM and locking herself in the bathroom. SM opens the bathroom door, grabs my daughter's arm and squeezes it hard enough to leave a bruise while at the same time yelling at her. This is the same time that D14 calls me to come get them. I was torn - I think the kids should work out their issues with their dad at his house and I need to stay out of it but I could also hear my D8 crying in the background.
I insisted D14 go get permission from her dad to leave before I would come over. When I got there, the kids were a mess and we just did not talk about what happened for the rest of the day. I took a picture of the bruise and am now at a loss as to what to do.
Being a SM is hard, I know, I am one. But, I would never lay a hand on my SD - it is not my place, I would not want to deal with her BM and frankly I have more self-control than to do something like that. I suppose I need to email Dad but that will do no good - do I keep the kids from going?
Help - what would you guys do? I need BM and SM opinions.
Thanks
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Comments
Putting a hand on a kid that
Putting a hand on a kid that is not your bio, is not appropriate...That would have been my first call to my ex. Where was he when this took place?
Also, maybe your daughter pushed her over the edge? Probably, but, she should not have touched the kid. My SD was a nightmare, but I would never think to hit her as much as I wanted to. 14 is a horrible age...
I would email him and ask to meet to discuss it. You need to make him aware that you are not understanding how this went down and want to hear his side. Do not meet with the SM. Nothing good ever comes from that.
He needs to know that she can not touch your kids, he can, but she can't. I am not condoning physical abuse, but sometimes, a pat on the ass is called for....
It was the 8 year old that
It was the 8 year old that she bruised - my 14 year old is actually the easy one! I can email him but am sure he will ignore it, and as for meeting he wont do it.
His wife used to spank my kids so I took the ex back to court to modify our decree so it was clear that only biological parents could administer corporal punishmnet.
He was in the living room when all this happened and did not intervene.
I would get a full account
I would get a full account from all your kids of what occurred that weekend. Individually so they aren't influencing each others version of the events.
Then call (or email if you think if would go smoother) your ex and get a FULL account of what happened. I would attach a picture of your daughters bruises as well, he may not realize how seriously his wife hurt your daughter.
If you are not satisfied with what happens, and how it will be resolved, don't send them back. Either way I would call and make a report to child services. You need to have this documented incase you have to fight to get visitation changed.
He doesnt use his thursday
He doesnt use his thursday overnights or any extra time in the summer. I think it is becasue three extra kids stress out his wife. Once the twins came along his interaction with my children decreased dramatically. He does not attend any of their sporting or school events either.
I think he sucks and that is why he doesnt attend - I am sure he has figured out a way to justify it to himself.
DId you read the original
DId you read the original post?
I got a panicked call from my D14, who is a bright kid with a good head on her shoulders. She also loves her dad, faults and all and knew the result of calling me would not be good for her or her sister. She knew there would be backlash and was afraid he would never pick them up again.
How about I come over to your house, grab your 8 year old hard enough to bruise her arm allthe while screaming my head off at her? Would you be cool with me telling you to calm down?
Go grab her twins by the arm
Go grab her twins by the arm and bruise them and see how well that goes over.
I'm not sure about involving
I'm not sure about involving child services.
I had trouble juggling 4 kids all together, and let me tell you I did spank ss....until he was 4.
Your dd ran away from a disciplining patrent
Locked a door
And I am sure struggled against SM when she was grabbed. Anyone would.
I would very nicely attach the pictures to the email (i would also send a copy of the email and pictures) return receipt requested and say a bruise was left, it will be the last. I understand that she can be s handful, but bruising is not an option.
The next time I will seek legal counsel.
Then you need to clarify their household rules on food. Not to criticize but to help remind your kids of their dads expectations.
Ultimately its really the kids that need to adjust between homes.
And bm has pulled the I want a meeting and SM is not invited. The meeting did not happen.
Ask yourself what you can do to help build their relationship with their other family.
I actually dont want a
I actually dont want a meeting - nothing will come of it but indigestion for me. The woman lost her shit over a popsicle, I am not sure how that can be justified.
Anyway, I have started composing an email to him and will attach the picture and will see where it goes from there.
Thanks everyone.
I wouldn't go for the CPS. I
I wouldn't go for the CPS. I would document it and email the XH. I would get the stories from each child alone and ask for the SM side of it for reference.
She lost her shit over a popcicle, don't be so sure.
I have spent many a weekend with SS7 pulling shit constantly, not getting any punishment from DH, being told to stop, being told no and then have him go ahead anyway (like the final straw that broke the camels back) no you can't have the popcicle SS7, there isn't enough for everyone and he would totally just take it anyway. Believe me, dragging him out of the bathroom after having him take it and run away from me would DEFINATELY be on my mind.
Not saying that is what happened, but I seriously doubt if this isn't a constant thing that it was just a popcicle.
If you involve CPS - get ready - that is a big undertaking you want to be sure.
In my house you ask for food.
In my house you ask for food. You don't ever assume you can just have what you want when you want it.
I lost my cool over frozen waffles an entire box of cereal, and a full box of toaster strudels.
I had a budget, and yeah fished out junk food in accordance with what I had available.
Bm told ME they should be allowed to eat whatever they wanted whenever. And then got mad when I told them no and called them our on sneaking the good.
I don't agree with the bruise. I just know I've been pushed to the limit that I grabbed my kid
You arent going to be able to
You arent going to be able to change visitation over a bruise on an arm caused by grabbing. CPS wont care, unless this bruise is like baseball sized. People get bruised when they get grabbed
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I think different. This is an 8 year old child.
I could not imagine how long I would have to spend in jail after I beat the living shit out of ANYONE who dare put a bruise on my 8 year old.
I just know I've been pushed
I just know I've been pushed to the limit that I grabbed my kid
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Me too. But I would NEVER do it to someone elses kid.
Let me clarify - he did
Let me clarify - he did exercise all thursday evenings before the twins came along. Preganancy and poof - no more.
He also does not take the girls to thier sporting events on the weekends - i have to go get them, take them to their games and then take them back to his house. This is bullshit and is more than bonding with his new family. It is abandonment. I know it is hard in a blog to ascertain all the facts but his treatment of his kids is abysmal.
My EX did the exact same
My EX did the exact same thing once he knocked up the GF - such is life. He is down to 10 days a month and my daughters come back every other weekend saying, well we couldn't do this or that because its too expensive now with the new baby, or we can't go because of the baby or .... That is just how the cookie crumbles.
XH has new young family, he was never a parent anyway, just a dad - hang out, disney this or that and now it ain't so fun with the GF and baby in tow along with his previous kids.
It is a form of abandonment - I simply look at it that my XH is not a parent in anyway whatsoever, he is just 'dad'. My girls are 12 and 8 now and the 12 year old is already asking, do I have to go? The less he engages with them, they less they want to go, over time they will just stop going all together - its sad but its also his choice.
I'd give the SM a break on this one - sounds like the XH doesn't do shit and you are pissed - for good reason - but if he is going to let his kids be out of control - then the SM is in a shitty situation too and likely here on this board.
My girls used to talk about their SM non stop - she attended everything - got knocked up - haven't heard her name since - I was even wondering if she had moved out - she spends ZERO time with my kids now - IF they do anything outside the house on their visitation, its with Dad only or Dad and baby while SM stays home to sleep or relax. I am not judging - it is what it is - but my XH on the fast track to lose the little time he has with the girls at this rate - his choice.
1. I'd send him an email,
1. I'd send him an email, with the picture of your DD8's bruised arm.
2. I would ask for both an explaination and apology from the SM.
3. I would give notice that if I were to ever find another mark on one of my children because of the SM, CPS would be called immediately - no questions asked.
4. I would make sure my ex-MIL/FIL was copied on the email, so they could see what SM did to their granddaughter. ExH/SM may not give a shit about what you say, but you can bet your ass they'll listen to ex-MIL.
You've already had an issue
You've already had an issue with her hands being on your kids. The logical thing would be to call the ex & give him 24 hours to guarantee you in writing this will never happen again. I gotta be honest thought - i would call CPS.