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Never been so hurt

Rachel81's picture

Submitted by Rachel81 on Wed, 08/29/2012 - 8:53am

Well it's been 3 weeks since we have seen our step daughter. DH and I went to nova Scotia without her and had a great time, but when we got home things are still continuing with SD11. She sent us a very upsetting email some of it true and some of it not. We are supposed to see her this thursday and I don't know what to do or say to her. I don't even know how to act. everything in her letter was selfish and spoiled, some of it wasn't even the whole truth. She states that her dad never spends time with her and that we always have company over. Well we have her every weekend are we not allowed to have a life too? She complained mostly of her dad not spending time with her and swimming and playing with her. She is 11 years old she should be playing with her friends. I am just so hurt and want nothing to do with her.

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12yrstepmonster's picture

Submitted by 12yrstepmonster on Wed, 08/29/2012 - 9:33am

The question I would have is there, does he have one on one time with her now.

My skids said the same thing. The problem being what they wanted and what was don't weren't the same. He would watch tv with them, every thursday the skids and dad excercised visitation at his parents house. Still not what they wanted. They felt they had to do something fun to spend time together.

How do I spend one on one time with my kids- went grocery shopping, or animal food shopping.
We might get an icecream but that's only started recently.

I would have to ask why is she feeling displaced and insecure in your house? And I would say it has to do with the other parent,

Annanymous's picture

Submitted by Annanymous on Wed, 08/29/2012 - 11:11am

Remember three people experiencing the exact same situation at the exact same time will have three different perceptions of what occurred.

I wouldn't go into it being offended or mad about it, that is just going to color the conversation and make things worse. Try to empathize and put yourself in her shoes. What did occur, how would she perceive it, and was there grabbing and throwing things? A tween sees any grabbing or fighting and it is going to be exaggerated in their head - that's what they do, drama, and it gets bigger in their heads. She probably was disappointed if he said he would swim and didn't or she wanted to play ball too and was told no. I had that happen the one time I went with my Dad and his family on a little trip to the pool, and the adults drank beer and talked, they sent me to get refills, and every time I tried to sit with them or get him to talk to me or whatever, I was told to go swim or play - alone or with a cousin. I thought, "why am I here?", not "gosh I am so thankful they took me swimming".

So, as aggravating as the exaggerating can be, if you try to come at it with understanding and to work through it and show her where she might be right and where she might be exaggerating a bit (kindly), it could work out with you all closer. Explain to her how she loves Mom and Dad, but she wants to hang with friends too, adults are no different, and Dad loves you so much, but he needs adult talk time and relax time too and it isn't any different than her wanting to play with cousins or friends. I had that talk with my 12 yr old - she decided I didn't do enough for her or with her when I wanted to watch a show alone or be on the computer or clean and we had the talk about how she does stuff with friends or TV doesn't mean she doesn't love me. It worked pretty well.

StickAFork's picture

Submitted by StickAFork on Wed, 08/29/2012 - 11:23am

Whether or not you agree with SD, she communicated how SHE feels.
What you do with that is up to you and DH.

stormabruin's picture

Submitted by stormabruin on Wed, 08/29/2012 - 12:54pm

I am thankful I can say that even though my mom insists her & my dad had their share of arguments, I don't recall ever hearing or witnessing even one.

I can't tell you how many times I've looked back on my childhood & been so glad to have had a peaceful stable home.

I don't come from a divorced family. My parents will celebrate their 54th anniversary next month.

Of course dealing with divorce is hard on a child. Not impossible to come through by any means, but with that break in the family already existing & yelling & fighting between the two people who are supposed to be holding my new home together on top of it, I have to imagine it would be scary & unsettling to always be wary of things falling apart again.

Rachel81's picture

Submitted by Rachel81 on Wed, 08/29/2012 - 12:59pm

My SD was only a baby when her parents separated and they were never married, she doesn't even remember them being together. My husband and generally get into arguements once every 3 to 6 months and I am sure SD mom has been in more fights with her bf then that. This is all just so stupid.

Rachel81's picture

Submitted by Rachel81 on Thu, 08/30/2012 - 10:56am

I agree, I don't think you have a health relationship if you don't advantually disagree on something. we aren't all the same. Children also don't understand what stress is like and sometimes you have a bad day and you take it out on the ones you love most because you know they are going to be forgiven. I don't feel guilty for any of our actions we provide a happy home for my SD11 and life isn't perfect she is going to learn that the hard way if she continues to fall for her mothers jealousy games.