Do I mention it?
My SO and I had another huge fight Sunday night because he thinks I hate his kids. Essentially it was me picking on his son16 because I asked SO why he had not corrected two back to back incidents of VERY bad manners. We have these fights about once a month, he tells me I have to move out blah blah blah because he wants to be a lazy parent and never have to discipline his kid. Anyway, we worked through it, the end result was the same as always...I decide to leave parenting to him, and he agrees to pay more attention and put more effort into parenting.
Monday night SO tells SS16 that Tuesday after school his room needs to be cleaned. Of course on Tuesday night SO does NO follow up to see if the task has been completed. Not my kid, not my problem, I don't care if it has been done...UNTIL this morning! SS16 left some clothes in the dryer, so I took them to his room. There is not one, not two, but FIVE separate concerns. Concerns that will actually damage the carpet and/or walls of the room. Concerns that caused us to move SS16 from his original large bedroom to the small one across the hall from us, so SO could supposedly monitor him and his behavior more closely.
Now if any of my sons (13,14,17) had created such a damaging mess I know exactly how I would handle it. They would clean the mess with supervision tonight and on Saturday I would make them rent (expense out of their pocket) a carpet shampooer and they would clean the carpets in their room and all shared carpeted rooms (family room, hallways etc.).
Here's the dilema...Do I even show SO the mess? I am not fully disengaged enough to know how to handle this lol Our current arrangement with SS16 is that he gets asked once to do a task by SO, if he doesn't complete it then I require SO to do it. If he won't make his kid do it then it's his task to do...that simple. But if I make SO do it tonight when he gets home after working 14 hours there will surely be a fight to follow. Ultimately it's SO's carpet getting ruined so should I care?
Ughh I am trying to handle it in a mature rational manner, but what I really want to do is cuss, yell and scream at SS16 and tell him how disrespectful he is being to his dad by destroying his property (the house is 9 months old). HE IS 16 WE SHOULDN'T HAVE THESE KINDS OF PROBLEMS WITH A F-ING 16 YEAR OLD!!!!!!!!! HE SHOULD F-ING KNOW BETTER!!!!!! (ok I feel a little better)
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If you say nothing - what
If you say nothing - what happens?
1. Carpet will be ruined
2. Room will smell
3. SO may or may not ever get around to it
It depends how much you care about the above things....
If it was my bio - I would kick their arse. If it was my skid, I would close the door and move on. Yes I would risk the carpet and wall being damaged, no I would not repair it for as along as that person remained in the room - they will have to live with the damage going forward. No real skin off my teeth.
If I complained to DH here is what would happen:
1. I would fight with DH - I would take the brunt of the punishment
2. DH would likely do the cleanup himself, which would save the carpet potentially and the wall perhaps but again at my expense since the skid still wouldn't have gotten cleaned up
3. In the off chance DH forces skid, I would still get punished by DH for forcing him to force skid, skid would also be extra pissy at ME for calling DH to attention and likely ruin carpet and wall another way in the near future just to make a point
Just saying....
"Ultimately it's SO's carpet
"Ultimately it's SO's carpet getting ruined so should I care?"
Nope...not your kid, not your carpet, not your problem.
Choose your battles, stop giving a crap. If SO was concerned about his carpet, he would make sure his kids weren't ruining it. Bring it up and you will only be seen as "nagging" and it will start another fight. If it's a common area problem that affects your living conditions (bathroom, kitchen, etc) then I wouldn't mention anything except to your SO that it needs to be cleaned. Either he makes the kid do it, or he does it himself. He's 16 years old, if he doesn't know better by now, and his dad doesn't give a shit, there is absolutely nothing you can do about and except sit back and watch.
In this situation, where you are fighting a lot and your SO is threatening to kick you out because of it, I think you need to fully disengage. Parent your sons the way you want them parented, and completely ignore his kids and parenting unless is directly affects you or someone's safety. You will be happier if you do.
this is how I feel. The last
this is how I feel. The last time skids were over they left 3 wet bath towels on the floor of SDs bedroom. A year ago, I would have bitched to myself about their laziness and picked them up and put them in the laundry so that the room wouldn't smell later. Now? I left them there, where they sat for over 2 weeks until DH saw them and put them in the laundry.
I don't really care I just make sure their doors are always shut and I never have any reason to go in there, so whatever. Yes, we have a beautiful new home that we just moved into in October and yes, I bust my ass to keep it clean. EXCEPT for their rooms, not my kids, not my mess, not my problem. They are 13 and 14, certainly old enough to pick up after their lazy selves. And here is where I laugh to myself. My DH is very particular about making sure the house looks nice when people come over (so am I) so I think it hilarious and telling that our 2500 square foot house is clean and tidy (even with BS2!) 99% of the time EXCEPT for skids rooms. Good, let everyone see that they are lazy slobs!! Good! Let DH get his panties in a bunch over picking it up or the smell or whatever. His kids, his problem.
lol I skip the Skids' rooms
lol I skip the Skids' rooms on tours!
I couldn't agree more. Very
I couldn't agree more. Very well-said.
Nope.... If you guys are
Nope.... If you guys are living in the house full time, you both should be supporting each other with the kids. There is no reason you should live in that filth especially when you know damn well you wouldn't put up with it from your own.
This is what happens to these kids from divorce. No one wants to actually parent them because they're more concerned about being liked by these little shits. EVERYONE should be treated the same.
get with SO and establish house rules that you both will enforce TO any kid in the house. If he is unwilling, you should not make this a permanent relationship. You guys are the nucleus and all the revolve around that nucleus. If it isn't equal it doesn't work.
This is how we approached
This is how we approached living together 9 months ago, I am sad to say I gave up! My kids know that the rules are different for them and its because I care about the men they become. I am lucky that they are mature enough to understand AND they see what losers SO's kids have become (he has two that are adults).
To be honest I am taking the disengaged road for this last month, then SS16 will be at BMs for the summer. I am open to trying your approach again at the start of the school year when SS16 comes back full time, but I have a feeling it would be short lived again.
because I care about the men
because I care about the men they become.
YES! This is what I tell DH all the time. BM is raising SS13 to be a man baby. He will live in squallor, probably drop out of high school, have a dead end job (if any) and always be dependant on someone else to take care of him. And what respectable woman will put up with this crap and why would you want this for your son???
Thank you all!! I think I
Thank you all!! I think I knew that was the right answer, but it is so hard for me to let go and just let things be a mess! I am getting closer
After reading your responses I went and got a laundry basket to set OUTSIDE of his door. Now I will NEVER have a reason to go into his room!
Not my kid, not my problem...*big sigh*...and it feels great!
This sounds exactly like my
This sounds exactly like my DH and SS14. SS14 is told to do something and DH NEVER follows through. I used to get so upset, the mess would eat at me (and still does) but I am getting better at ignoring it. My BD15 would never be allowed to get away with the same things that SS14 and she knows it. It isn't fair but I tell her she has been raised with certain expectations and those expectations won't go away because SS/DH are lazy!
Now we live in my house and the bedroom that SS lives in has been wrecked. I am at peace with that. I know the carpet will have to be replaced and the room fumagated but I feel better ignoring it for the most part. It STINKS and that bothers me because the odor drifts out especially when he leaves door open. I keep it shut and if I have to put something in there I open the door and throw whatever it is in. If he leaves dirty dishes laying around I now put them on his bed..dirty.
Learn to ignore most of the behavior because if DH doesn't care there is no point in you caring as you are the only one who notices the mess and you are the only one who gets upset!!
Hmmm. I would probably pitch
Hmmm. I would probably pitch a fit because it's my house, in my name. However, I also know that if I told dh that ss would be renting a carpet cleaner with any funds he had and then would be cleaning all the carpets he would be cool with that
He really doesnt mind how I discipline ss, he will back me up, he will deliver the message himself if I want him to.
However it wasnt always like that. Before I probably would have stewed, been pissy at dh, etc. I probably would eventually break down and said something as again it is MY house. I will also admit that I can be highly passive aggressive. I would find some way to get back at ss and even if he never figured it out it would still give me a sense of satisfaction.
How did you make the
How did you make the progress? I want to be like you lol or wait, I want SO to be like your DH! I would love to just take over and discipline SS like I do my own Bio sons...but SO ALWAYS sees it as me picking on his poor son grrrr. His son would listen to me and do what I tell him to do, that wouldn't be an issue (he would whine and cry to BM but I could careless about that) it's Daddy-O that has a problem with seeing me discipline his son. Please, Please, Please let me know how you made the switch!