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So we had the "talk"

HurtAndLonely's picture

Ok so me and SO sat down tonight to make a list of rules/boundaries for our house. I handed him this http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/200909/child-enti... (great article btw) and another one about obnoxious/annoying children from parents.com and one about "spoiled children." Ok, before you guys freak out and say "I can't believe she had the nerve to hand him those things." I am a very outspoken person and brutally honest (sometimes too honest). And I think by calling someone out on things, they have to face a small glimpse of reality and open their eyes a little. Constructive criticism! Smile Anyways, SO read them and goes to get in the shower. When he comes out, things escalate and we get into a heated argument. Not surprising. SO walks off to go cook dinner. One of the things the articles talked about was how you can get a 3 YR OLD child to say please and thank you. So at dinner SO makes SD6 say please and thank you. And when she started whining, he told her to stop, that he wasn't going to listen to her if she couldn't quit whining. Progress for one night of dinner!! WOO HOO!!!

After dinner, I kindly ask him "Ok, so can we get started on this list now" We proceed to the bedroom and start making our list. We get into it again about some of the things on the list. Typically once SO gets upset he storms out the door and walks for about an hour to cool off and then comes back, but doesn't talk about anything else for the rest of the night. This time I see him getting upset and he's starting to yell and I ask him to please stop yelling and if he needs to, "Go for a walk and calm down." He said "Why? You're just going to start the same argument a different night." Your damn right I am!! I think he's finally clueing in. I REFUSE to live like this!!! I can only hope by calling a spade a spade that one of two things will happen. It will eventually get better and we can get past this and move on or we seperate. I'm reaching my wits end with this situation. But I truly hope for a positive outcome with all of this bc I know we could be happy together, all 3 of us. I honestly love them both to pieces, just not her behavior.

Anyway, I made him list all the rules in place already first. Funny, he could only come up with 2. We had about 10 on the list when we were done and talked out each one and if they were reasonable. Afterwards, we go to the living room so we can all watch a tv show together. He makes SD6 pick up her papers that are strung out on the coffee table (daily occurance, but I usually pick them up. This was one of the things I mentioned on our list, to have SD6 start picking up her things out of the living room) :jawdrop: So between the please and thank you at dinner and making her pick up her stuff, I almost fell over. Now I know that this is just the beginning, only one day in, but I truly hope it stays this way. If it doesn't guess i'll just have to go another round with him again. I don't care how many battles it takes, i'm not just going to let her behavior slide and put myself through misery for the next 12 yrs until she's 18. Not gonna do it. Other than the "ugly" behavior, as I like to call it, SD6 is a sweet little girl. I just wish SO could see I only want to help his daughter become a better person, not one that ppl can't stand to be around. And that I am looking out for our future together, bc she will put him through hell along with me when she's a teenager if we don't do something about it now.

Comments

Kes's picture

I read the article to which you supplied the link - it was extremely good. Plus the section on "the entitled adult" described NPD BM to a T!!!
I think that if your SO was offended by you getting him to read this it is probably because a few of the descriptions of children's behaviour was a bit too close to home, and he recognised his children.
I have had to struggle with this issue too - I raised two well adjusted daughters to adulthood, both have degrees, are now in full time work and one also has a baby. They are about as un-entitled as you can get. Compare with my teenage SDs and it is not a flattering comparison for them! Expect everything to fall into their laps - money, relationship, academic achievement. With regard to the latter - they are both now reaping the consequences of being basically thick, and not doing any homework! I have talked to my DH for years to try to get him to see that he is really not doing the SDs any favours by spoiling them - it is just making them ill eqipped to cope with adult life. Finally he begins to see this - so keep up the good work and don't stop trying to get SO to provide firm boundaries for his children.

asheeha's picture

this is great! you are doing exactly what you need to to get your SO on board with you. these are the things i had to do. he will forget ALOT...but hopefully he is sincere and not just avoiding another confrontation. 2 steps forward on step back.

thumbs up!