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Disengagement

ItAlmostWorked's picture

Submitted by ItAlmostWorked on Thu, 03/29/2012 - 7:41pm

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Adult Stepchildren

I am wondering if anyone knows what sp disengagement feels like to the skids? Do they notice? Do they care? Is it the best thing that ever happened to them?

Although I know how they feel about it by the time it gets to disengagement, their feelings are not the point. I just can't help being curious though.

Thanks~

Poodle's picture

Submitted by Poodle on Thu, 03/29/2012 - 7:56pm

Must be different in each case depending on the history. Through being on this site I have only just come to identify that I too have a stepmother (but never thought of her as such, as she got together with my dad after I had left home and after he had divorced my mother and stopped seeing any of us). I have always just thought of her as my dad's third wife and, hearing from my older half brother how intrusive and offensive she was to him and his brothers (apparently making sexual jokes about one of them), I was mighty relieved she never really approached us younger brood. I was basically neutral towards her and glad to be so -- I guess our batch of his kids mutually disengaged from the start. When some of my siblings went to an older half-brother's funeral years ago (which I did not), I did bridle to think of her being there -- it was a completely irrational but interesting feeling. I think this residual hostility comes from the fact that I know he was having an affair with her behind my mother's back before the end of their marriage decades ago, and she was an employee in the law firm that handled his divorce from my mum. There seemed something dishonourable and even sick about that. Therefore I have that loyal hostility typical of the situation. But it's so minimal given I've never met her. And as I've posted on here a few days ago, I did have a respect for her when she broke the disengagement to tell my brother about our dad being possibly on his deathbed. Put it this way, because he is insignificant to me, so is she, and her disengagement suits both sides. Would surely be so different in each and every case, especially in relationships where there had been developments in whatever direction. I know my OSD is possibly finding it hard to accept that I have disengaged given that she cannot believe that I don't want to fight her -- her template is mutual fisticuffs with other women, just like BM. But I think a lot of the feelings she may be expressing about it to DH will be put on, to posture in front of him. Thing is, I will never really know and frankly I care less.

asheeha's picture

Submitted by asheeha on Thu, 03/29/2012 - 7:56pm

i don't know if i'm the best person to answer this. but i do a form of disengagement. it's not total and my skids are little, 8 & 10 still. but i pretty much just leave the parenting stuff to DH. i don't ignore the kids completely but i don't do everything they do and he handles the stuff. he cleans after them, disciplines them, teaches them, gets them ready for bed...does their hair.

i don't even think the kids notice i'm not doing these things and i think they like that dad does.

i do SOME things...i play with them and sometimes i have a form of discipline...but it's minor stuff.

duct_tape's picture

Submitted by duct_tape on Thu, 03/29/2012 - 10:06pm

At first I thought that disengaging from my ss20 was a waste of time. But, recently, after a year of ignoring that he exists, he has started trying to come to me. It took a freakin' year, but damn if he's not actually trying. To me, and I hate to put it this way, kid's are like dogs. The best dogs I've had have been the one's who are eager to please. They may occasinally screw up, but they roll over and look remorseful and you gotta love them. Then there are the ones who tear shit up and look at you like, yah, that's right I did that so kiss my ass.

Well, my kids have always been the roll over and be sorry types of puppies. SS however, was the kiss my ass puppy. AFter a solid year of ignoring he exists, he rolled over. Miracle.

sterlingsilver's picture

Submitted by sterlingsilver on Fri, 03/30/2012 - 8:22am

duct tape I love your post. My mom always told me to train my kids like you would a puppy/dog. You're right in that some are just so easy to train and other don't give a damn. Some dogs/kids are impossible to train. We just gave a dog to the humane society b/c after a year of training he was still determined to pee on the floor. We have to move into another rental and we didn't want to pay for more damage. Can't give kids away tho. lol But yes, I totally get your post and love it!!

Mominator's picture

Submitted by Mominator on Fri, 03/30/2012 - 8:56am

Both my SD's (20/23) have equally disengaged. I agree with the above poster that they do not see ANY CONSEQUENCE for their actions, only blame, resentment, and full on frontal of emotional blackmail to DH. It's all about WINNING for them. If they can't 'win' (get what they want from us/DH) then 'screw you' mentality: "We want nothing to do with you ever." They do not like that I'm helping DH get his spine back (along with his brain and balls), because without the spine, the brain and balls are worthless. DH isn't 'caving' (being a doormat) to their demands anymore. For the present, they seem to be content. And I'm just as content to let them go out into the world and make a life for themselves. If you are going to talk, walk the walk.

sandye21's picture

Submitted by sandye21 on Fri, 03/30/2012 - 10:46am

This is the same thing when I disengaged from SD. Once you remove yourself as their target they go after DH. I can't say my DH ever grew balls, and at first he was very hurt when she forgot about his Birthday, Father's Day and Christmas, and refused to return his calls. But she has truly cut off her nose to spite her face. It will be interesting to see if she continues to shun him or somehow get around her narcissistic ego for a bit of introspection. For me, I have no desire to have her in my life again. She's pretty much 'peed' on me too many times, been given WAY too many chances to stop, and it was almost as if she couldn't help herself with her 'biting'.

Mominator's picture

Submitted by Mominator on Fri, 03/30/2012 - 12:25pm

We were repeatedly challenged by the SD's, DH was constantly in the middle, swaying this way and that, trying to keep us all happy, but all it did was fuel their (SD's) fire, and drove me crazy. One day (1.5 years ago) there was a full blown confrontation between me and the YSD, and she popped me in the face with her cell and out the door she went.

That's when the emotional blackmail took on a life of it's own and RA (including the BIL/SIL's) quickly followed and turned into a 'huge bonfire where I was to be hung on the stake'.

DH didn't dump me, he didn't side with them, he didn't do his normal knee-jerk reactions to their demands (by getting rid of me). So they gave him an 'silent ultimatum'. Me or them.

I'm still here. Our marriage survived (and by the cautions of my DH's wonderful Aunt, who advised us, "this WILL challenge your love for each other". And BOY, was she right). Our marriage actually needed the 'break' from the drama in order to 'heal' and recover, and fortunately, their (SD's) determination to cut off DH completely (even the OSD didn't invite him to her wedding) in a communal effort to force me out of the picture, has only brought us closer, and strengthened our bond.

I think they (SD's) really still believe to this day, they have that much power over him. I think, as of late though, they are beginning to realize, they really are not that powerful. That their dad isn't going to dump the love of his life for a couple of immature twits who treat their father like an object rather than a person --- and he's WELL AWARE OF THAT and has had QUITE ENOUGH of being treated like a doormat. ---even though it is KILLING him inside that they are being such RUDE AND OBVIOUS SNOTS to him by ignoring his texts, calls, gifts. He has decided he must change the dynamics or the cycle (abuse) will never stop, and they will do the very same thing to their spouses and children. That is something he could not control by his ex-narc wife during their marriage, but now things are changed and he is remarried and in a healthy reciprocal relationship (with me) and he's determined not to let the dysfunctional cycle continue to the next generation (his children). It's our saving grace as far as our marriage is concerned.

Time will tell if those snotty twits are capable of being decent, moral human beings. If they don't it's no loss to me. I never want anything to do with them ever again. I've been disengaged for over a year now, and life is getting back to normal.