My husband does the same thing. It’s just like having a mistress! The constant calls/texts.

What is your HD and SD cooking up that needs to be discussed everyday? I would definitely confront him even if it upsets him “as he gets older.”  That’s ridiculous behavior! 

When my DH’s kids call and I’m in the room he will leave and pretend he is doing something or he’ll take the dog outside. When were in the car and they call (mainly OSD30) he won’t answer the phone and says he doesn’t want to talk while driving. 

It’s a big deal to me. I am wondering what there is to hide and be so secretive about? Is DH afraid skids might start talking about me and he won’t be able say what he wants to? Are they planning the secret family vacation? Is it about money? I know he’s constantly giving them money and I’m not supposed to know. 

I’ve confronted my DH about the private calls and he says the reason he leaves the room is because I’ve made comments about what he says to his children. Yes, I have made some comments only because I hear the coddling that goes on or planning something with skids without seeing if we have something on the calendar first. 

My DH hasn’t stopped the secret calls even after confronting him. He does the same thing yours does and makes up errands to run.

It’s so frustrating because it creates a sense of distrust. 

My DH calls his daughters when he is out walking the dog in the evening, about 9pm.   I think it's like you said in your last sentence - I think he feels a little guilty about talking to them when they have been so shitty to me.  Tbh, I don't care either way.  If one of them phones him when we're together and I have to listen to his end of the call,  I usually leave the room.  I just don't care to listen to him fawning on them.  

He would walk outside to talk to them so I'd be out of earshot to whatever of satan's machinations they were plotting.  That way I was unable to warn him in real time that IT'S A TRAP!!!

The calls made away from me do not bother me. He has said he knows that OSD is a source of contention in our marriage and that I do not want to hear her or discuss her, and in his mind, this alleviates a fight. We both also like to make phone calls while we are driving somewhere so we can talk to people on bluetooth. Gives us something to do on the drive. 

I think a difference maker is the level of contact. My DH and OSD don't communicate much now since she is punishing him for knocking her off of the pedestal she has always been on. That makes makes me madder than any secrecy - that she treats her father like garbage because he finally expected her to treat his wife with respect.   

If there is a high level of enmeshment, with lots of secret contact, that would bother me.  I think in that case daddy knows it is too much, knows he will get flack about it, and is trying to hide it.

I am used to hearing nothing, knowing nothing; I am certain the contact is much less than before, given he realized talking about me to them ruined any chance of ever having a relationship.  Since he no longer engages in wife gossip, they have no need to speak or visit with him often. But, whatever communication he does, he does away from me; that is a good thing ....I cannot stand to even hear the voice.  After all this time, any liklihood of me considering jumping back into that snake pit is over. I want to know nothing, as they are dead to me now.

Until recently, it bothered me a lot too. SO and SD are extremely close and talk Every.Single.Day. He sees her at every opportunity and goes to every single one of her college sports tournaments - in state and out. Every.Single.One. I don't have a relationship with my father at all so I'm admitting that this is likely why I find their relationship a little, shall we say, odd. I don't complain about their close relationship and his insistence at going to every single tournament. What I complain about is the interruption on date night. She's 20 years old for gawd's sake. Call her later unless it's an emergency. At any rate, I don't feel like I have the right to complain that SO steps out to call her when he knows I'm disengaged. I honestly prefer not to hear him talk to her because it's still very hurtful that they're continuining their loving relationship after she caused division. Frankly, SO just doesn't know what to do so he takes the easy path. 

When the phone rings and DH runs out to the driveway to talk I know it's one of the ss's.  Often shortly after one of them pulls up in the driveway, there's an exchange and they stay for a short obligatory visit.  When they're ready to leave they'll say, "Thanks Dad" and give a secret bro nod to each other. All this happens and they really think they've pulled one over me. Dh give me a guilty, "What?" and I'm like "What do you mean, What?" Oh they think they're so clever but little do they know I know exactly what happened.  

One of the ss's needed some cash and asked dad to "borrow" some money (it never gets repaid).  DH exchanges it in the driveway and neither one says anything to me but keeps it hush, their little secret.  It used to bother me and I felt really betrayed by DH for not talking through financial matters with me.  Now I laugh as he works overtime to keep paying his ex alimony and give his grown over 30 yr old sons spending money.  What nonsense games these overgrown boys play.  

I have experienced my whole marriage. Secret conversations with SD. I swear she IS the other woman. My DH makes me sick waiting for her calls, checking his phone. His whole demeanor changes when he speaks with her. He has outright lied about it. It's truly just the tip of the iceberg with their enmeshed relationship. 

DH and SD32 used to talk every day and it never bothered me. Now they rarely talk at all.  DH is not fooled by her and he recently pointed out to me that she never visited him last year when he broke his back and was laid up for 3 months.

Yes, I had noticed that but wasn't quite sure if he had noticed. It breaks my heart the way that selfish shit treats him.

I have the same issue about secret phone calls.  DH only calls when I am out. If I come home early I may catch the end of the call with him plaintively saying how much he loves/ misses her.

So the issue is not -as CG says- two women who “don’t get along”.  That creates a false equivalency.  The issue is a SD who has declared war on her father’s wife and DH who enables by not calling it out.  It is disloyal.  The secrecy is hurtful and it has a conspiratorial aspect to it.  The missing part implies that I am the impediment to their relationship.

In my case, as a result of these calls,  DH knows everything that SD and her husband and kids are doing.  Yet there is NO mention of me.  It is as though he is single.  SD acts that way and he goes along with it.

This conduct is damaging to our trust and intimacy.  I hate it.

there to save the day...Superman's got nothing on me..." just like the song says.

For the record, I have NO PROBLEM talking to my children IN THE PRESENCE OF MY DH. You know why? We are not talking ABOUT HIM, or COLLUDING AGAINST HIM; it's plain and simple honest conversation, and catching up.

On the other hand, when DH's adult kids call (closer to age 50 than age 40) he usde to RUN TO GET THE PHONE LIKE A DOCTOR WHO USED TO WEAR A BEEPER AND BE ON CALL. It didn't matter if we were just sitting down to dinner, having time alone together, going for a walk, HE HAD TO GET IT. This, I recognized was all guilt driven, as DH had divorced BM & the SKs have NEVER let him forget how tough life was without DH those last years of school. I never knew my father, and I grew up to be a productive human being with multiple college degrees, and I raised great kids who grew into adulthood, and do not lean on me as their emotional crutch, or personal cheerleader, therefore, they do not call me, fishing for compliments, or to get their ego stroked. This is largely what SD does. DH will say one sentence, then there's the monologue. "I Wannat Talk About ME" (Another song).

Once recently the SS called when DH was in the shower, so he missed the call. I happened to be passing by his phone getting laundry out of the dryer and saw it. We were on our way to an event, so I didn't tell DH, because I knew he'd call SS RIGHT THEN AND THERE, so I waited until we were on our way. DH asked in a very distressed voice, "Why didn't you tell me SS called?!?" Like it was a life altering emergency. I told him, "You were in the shower. That's why we have voicemail. He didn't leave you a message, so I guess everything is ok." He acts like these are funcionally retarded people who NEED HIM ON THEIR EVERY WHIM. It reminds me of how some treat a newborn who has been brought home from the hospital.

DH has gotten better. He gets an "E" for effort, however, he has not reached mastery as of yet.

Interestingly, when DH calls his son, SS may or may not pick up, and even take up to several weeks to return his call. With SD it's different; it HAS to be immediate phone tag. I'm trying to remember when it changed. Used to, he would pick up the phone, at least on occasion when SD called. I think it was when I started pointing out how things she sends in the mail come addressed only to DH, & in her photo albums, I'm cropped out of photos I was clearly standing next to DH in, (DH communicated this to SD, in effect calling it to her attention via my conversation) and that I always go out of my way for her, but it is not reciprocated. DH would insist, "SD always asks about you. She's glad I have someone in my life." So it kind of evolved, as it was not always that way, however, that is now the norm.

I did ask DH "Why must you ALWAYS talk to SD in private? What is so important or secrative that you two cannot talk freely in my presence?" DH said, "We hardly ever talk, and it's usually business related." My response was, "I rest my case. Chances are I wouldn't even give it a second thought if that were so. You can discuss business with me present." When I used to check phone records, I could clearly see they would talk DAILY, (& DH is a man of few words so I guess he was listening to SD?) What could they possibly have to talk about DAILY? Even my best girlfriends and I do not talk daily. I once asked if he had called her recently and he told me he hadn't. I showed him a picture of the phone bill within the same hour, and it clearly showed he had not only talked to her, but also CALLED HER, and he DENIED CALLING HER, TELLING ME IT MUST BE AN ERROR ON THE PART OF OUR PHONE PROVIDER. REALLY?

So, yes, it happens, and it is very nauseating, as many of you have pointed out. I know for a fact SD and DH have talked about me behind my back, as when SD had her meltdown in front of us recently, many things only DH & I would know came out, and were revealed. That was when I had an epiphany moment, and I haven't been the same since.

At the heart of the issue for me is SD has clearly disrespected me in FRONT OF DH, which makes it all the worse, as I feel if she's going to be emotionally stunted & cannot conduct herself in a mature, respectable manner, realizing she is a guest in this marriage, then I feel DH's time needs to be directly proportional to her behavior. In other words, you behave, you get daddy time, you don't DH withdraws (like most SD's threaten to do if DH doesn't play by their rules.)

Another thing...why do the SD's always get to be privy to our information, but DH doesn't do the same with regard to SDs? And, SD would always say "Love you dad" in that baby voice, 10 octaves higher than her normal voice when she'd get ready to hang u[, so DH would tell her he loved her too. We never close our conversations that way. You'd think that would be a husband/wife thing.

I’m a realist and know that in my particular situation DH is so Pu**y Whipped by his own offspring that it’ll never go down that way. DH plays the guilt game well as he’s so riddled with it, thanks to SD. SS is better and hasn’t put DH through the guilt wringer. Guilt is the classic card the narcissist loves to play. It works like a charm for them. 

it was a mistake.

He screamed that he is not going to cut off his daughter and her family.  That was not the issue.  The issue is the separate relationship he has with them that presumes he is single.  And he goes along with it. He will say nothing about us, or about me.  He only speaks of himself ( as though he was alone) and them.  And all of it is in secret. 

YUK.

The issue is having a spouse who keeps secrets and lies by omission.  That is not acceptable.

If your spouses's conversations with anyone - not just a skid - are something to hide that is a problem.  A spouse may choose to have conversations out of your presence in order to protect you - that's okay.  If the intent is to hide things from you that is deception which is never right.

Liar liar - pants on fire. Not a good thing.

"This is not a huge deal to me. But I just wonder what it's all about. Does he think not communicating with her in front of me will make me think she doesn't exist? Or does he feel guilty talking to someone who has been so shitty to me?"

Just because you've disengaged from SD does not mean you need to pretend that you don't see what is going on.  Two decades of this gooeey collusion (which clearly makes your toxic geiger counter go off), needs to be neutralized immediately.  This behavior is poisoning your marriage. You cannot have a healthy relationship without honesty and this is non-negotiable.  If DH is keeping you compartmentalized from his chats with SD, it's indicative of bigger problems. 

To me, there's a big difference between being private and being secretive. Privacy is liking to have an hour of quiet in the mornings gardening or a little downtime after work and that means no calls.  Whether DH's chats with SD are benign or not, the underlying issue is that he is connecting on a more intimate level with SD than with you.  

I'd love to hear the plethora of excuses and rationalizations that your DH has. Some distorted part of him must revel in the secretive feed and schmoosy chatter.  Daddy egos are easily spoon fed by manipulative SDs.  Like you inferred, "it's like he has a girlfriend on the side." 

Forget the eggshells sister. Discuss, divulge and determine what is acceptable to you. Put your egg-stomping boots on! You are his "wife!"  Your feelings and his respect for you need to take priority over his daily dose of SD.  

Oh hell yes I would bring that to the table and serve it up for dinner!  You're no side dish sister.  You are the main course!  

Pssssstttt....."onward buttercup, there are shenanigans and fuckery up ahead."

On therapists.  I think that far too many people never realize that a therapist works for you.  As does your attorney.

You hire them and if they do not deliver as required you can fire them. Why tolerate an employee or contractor that does not perform?

I was fortunate in the selection of my therapist when I was young and trying to save my first marriage.  I picked the cheap one out of the yellow pages who could get us in quickly.  In the 8+ mos I saw her she completed her Ph. D.  She was no bullshit though she did follow a process and she would not allow me to deviate from that process.  After 5mos of my XW and I going together my XW walked out never to return on the day Doc  announced that "now we will start on the intimacy issues".  My XW stood up, announced (she) did "not have a problem with sex" walked out and never went back to counseling with me.

I kept going and with Doc's help reconnected with the man I enjoy being.

Set your goals, engage your contractor, and if they do not deliver on your goals replace them with a better one. 

i'm surprised he doesn't lock his phone!  my SO does this now.  i have fought him on it but gave up recently.  i only read things that upset me about his daughters.  i still don't like it though.  makes me feel like something on there is a secret. 

My DH whispers when he talks to SS20. I know immediately who he is talking to and I get physically sick. I have to read DH's texts to know if and when SS is coming over otherwise, on the day of, DH will say, "oh, BTW, SS is staying this weekend." Like I don't know the truth...

how do you guys get these men to give you their phone codes or make their phones nonprivate?  do you demand it?  i don't think phones should be private in a relationship but that's just me.  i think some people disagree but maybe cause they have things to hide.  mine goes back and forth.  just like he waffles on everything else. 

People with nothing to hide... hide nothing.

Just the sneaky crap proves that they feel guilty about something.

My bride and I do not specifically check each other's phones. But we do each know the other's access code so that if something dings or if one or the other of our batteries are dead the other can check messages, get directions, etc, etc, etc......

We both ask the other if we need to use their phone.

Keep it simple.

For me - some days it bothers me and then on my strong days I think  - What difference does it make - I don't want to be forced to talk to them anyway AND I don't have to find excuses to avoid speaking to them if I am around so...go ahead and talk when I am not around because then nothing can be used against me and I don't feel stressed out.  

Then if I am truly honest with myself and everyone else...there are days where it does bother me because once again I am excluded.  However, I am starting to have more strong days.

Honestly...I don't do calls to my family or friends in front of DH either. I'll step into another room or step outside. I'm an introvert and being on the phone at all already feels weird to me...and nearly impossible in front of someone else. 

I'm not trying to hide anything. It's just a personal preference. If we talk about anything that would affect DH, I fill him in later.

but its always in private and hubby only rarely tells me anything

everything regarding our family plans revolves around her but i am never consulted but expected to be available and make our 2 toddlers available but alot of the stuff that sd messages hubby is just laziness, guilt manipulation tactics and to guilt hubby etc. She plays this poor helpless person when in reality she is perfectly capable of doing things