What to do???
OK, I have tried everything I can think of but nothing seems to help. So I am hoping for some helpful advice. I have been with my DH for 6 years. I have a SS and a SD as well as a BD. In the beginning things were going fine. We got along with the BM well and communicated easily. We kept our mouths shut about what his children came back to us and said she was saying because we thought it was best for them to not have confrontation with the BM. About 3 years ago everything changed and she said I was harradding her through phone calls and text messages (which I never did), so I stopped all of my communication with her. DH does all the talking/texting with BM. BM has stated to the skids that she doesn't like us and doesn't like how we run our household. I do know that BM is entitled to her own opinion, but I don't feel she should be trying to persuade the skids to feel the same way she does. My DH has always paid CS even before the divorce was final because he felt that was the right thing to do. We have always helped with after school activities and things they participate in (usually paying more than BM) but she continues to tell skids that we don't don't pay for anything. My DH and BM do not follow the decree when it comes to visitation, we have them 50% of the time. BM took DH back to court almost 2 years ago to have CS increased and it was actually slightly lowered due to the fact that he adopted my BD. We knew from the beginning that we could have t he CS lowered when the adoption was final but chose not to go that route. However, she didn't want to work so she took it back to court.
My SS is 13 and my SD is 9 now. For the past year the skids have been completely disrespectful towards me and my BD. and recently have been acting that way towards my DH. the skids constantly throw out there what their mom says about us and try to hurt us with it. My DH asked the skids why they believe everything BM says about him/us and they state "it's my mom why wouldn't i believe her?". DH has tried to explain that he has never given them a reason to think this way about him and that it hurts him when they say such means things to him.
The skids also intentionally try to upset my BD who is 8. They say things like their mom won them in court (which is not the case) so they don't even have to come to visit (again not true). My BD loves them both very much and wishes they were here 100% of the time so she really gets upset when they tell her they don't want/have to be here.
The skids also try to cause ripples inte water for DH and myself. I used to take a very active parenting role in the their lives, but lately I have stopped. Anytime I have ever asked them to do something or scolded them to run to DH and complain that I am just being mean. They have also admitted that they tell the BM the same things. My DH used to listen to them and come to me and ask me to be nicer, but since then he has seen how they treat me he has let them know its unacceptable and they need to respect me as an adult if nothing else(previously they only did it when he wasn't around, but now they do it all the time).
Yesterday my DH told the skids that if they can't be respectful and act decent towards us there are consequences. He also told them if they don't want to be in our home they donb't have to be (he said this because they are saying how much better their BM home is than ours). So last night BM sent a text to DH asking whats going on because the skids say they dont want to come back to our house.
The skids seem to have forgotten that it was US who were there for them when ever they needed something or when they were sick, not their BM. BM was too busy partying and trying to find a man in the beginning, so she couldbn't be bothered with raising children if it interferred with her fun. The BM did eventually remarry 2 years ago and has since been able to convince the skids that SHE is the one who has always taken care of them and done everything for them.
BTW, their BM/SF get much more respect, love, and admiration than we do.
Is there a way to fix this behavior?? Or should DH let them live with their mom and just see them EOW?
I should also add that DH and
I should also add that DH and I feel very anxious when we know the skids are coming because of all the drama they bring into our house. He has said that it would be better if they werent around as much since they seem to hold loyalty only to BM, but yet now he doesn't want to let go. I do understand his feelings, I never wanted things to end up this way, but I also hate how they have such utter disregard for me and my BD.
We have trie counseling but that only works as well as you allow it. Quite frankly what we get is either lip service (get told what they think we wanna hear) or how everything is the BM's fault and we spend the entire time focused on BM. I feel thats a waste of time and money because lip service does us no good and we have no control over how BM runs her household
This will just get worse as
This will just get worse as they get older. For us, we had to give up on SD15. Our house is more peaceful, but my husband has been devastated by it, but it was the right thing to do, since she clearly didn't want to be here...
He used to say that he was
He used to say that he was going to do that, even though I think he knew he wouldn't. But last night he decided he isn't going to give the skids what they want. He's going to force them to come and participate. I feel like they will just continue to get worse in their actions if thats what he does. I want to be able to peacefully live in my home without the constant drama from them. I want to be able to enjoy my BD and help with things that she needs to learn, after all this is her only home and we are the only parents she has. I just don't know how to make my DH understand there is nothing he can do at this point. Skids are going to behave the way they do because they have their BM's backing and support. They seem to feel more loyal to her for some reason
Reading your post it seems
Reading your post it seems that your DH has already tried to reason with the steps by pointing out that he has given them no reason to believe the lies BM spouts and that he finds it upsetting, yet that seems to have made no difference to the skids behaviour at all.Don't you know that the word of the golden uterus is golden :sick: !And obviously carries a lot more weight than anything either you or DH could say?! Personally I just don't see how he can force them to do anything-this will be used as more fodder for BM's hate spouting cannon! I really think you need to draw his attention to the fact that when he had the skids they did not have to contend with the amateur dramatics caused by someone else's brats on a daily basis and it is unfair to your BD to expect her to have to have her childhood upset on a daily basis due to the skids.The reason they feel more loyal to BM is that most skids tend to have a chip on their shoulder for some reason (inane inferiority complex??) and tend to see the lazy good for nothing bio parent as some demi- god. I have had personal experience of this growing up-I'm a BD in my family and my half sister could never do any wrong, my dad who raised her as his own from the age of 6 (and let her get away with a lot more than we -the bios-could) was never quite good enough whereas her bio dad who never gave her a dime from the age of 2 and never sent her 1 birthday card-to this day might I add- is held up as some paragon of virtue. Its a lost cause really, focus on your BD enjoy her now as she will only be this age once. The energy you and your DH should be putting towards raising your daughter is being sapped away by BM and the skids.
I think that a period of
I think that a period of reduced visitaion might do the trick? The SKIDS might realise that actually they want their dad in their lives when BM doesnt come through for them. Or maybe they wont, and it will just stay like this or get worse. EOW sounds like a good place to start. But explain to the children that it is because of their behaviour that they now wont get to spend as much time with you, and if they think that they can be more respectful then they will always be welcome back into your home. If they dont, then BM has already PAS'd them beond repair and it will not improve any time soon... Either way it seems as if reduced visits could bring the truth out. They'll either want to come back or leave. Their choice.