it's unfortunate that bm can't recognize the importance of a relationship between dh and ss. My first suggestion is that you see if your dh is willing to see a family therapist. Explain to the therapist your struggles to get along with bm. Then see if the therapist will try to work with dh and bm. The reason I say this is b/c therapists have a good way of telling it like it is but sugar coating it so that no one feels at fault, but gets the results the child NEEDS. Now others may disagree with me, but I have a wonderful family therapist that has done wonders for us, and he is truly amazing. He has really given me excellent insight with blended families, as well as marriage.

If the bm were to hear how she is profoundly affecting her son by denying dad visitations, or criticizing dad in front of ss, there may be a chance she would stop. We have a bm that constantly talks trash about us in front of ss, however, when she did go to mediation with dh, she got yelled at big time for her behavior and it really made her stop in her tracks and think about her son. She improved on her behavior for a couple of years, but now is back to being a prime bitch.

Our ss is now 14, he knows his dad isn't the bastard he is made out to be, but just treats him like he is. For years I have wondered if it would have been better if we walked away when he was 4, given bm exactly what she wanted (the money and our absence) and lived our lives. It would have been a lot easier for everyone including ss if we did walk away. I'm not sure what the right decision is, but I totally understand why men sometimes do walk away. I don't blame them one bit.

Knowing what I know now, I would have asked dh to walk away 10 years ago, then to put up the fight. Today, I do not feel like ss really appreciates us, and really benefitted from us being involved in his life. The more we do for him the more he resents us. I really feel like we wasted 10 years of our lives fighting with bm and her ridiculous life, all for a kid who hates us anyways. I really think if we would have just given her what she wanted, she would have eventually came around and said..."ss wants to see you..." I have learned that when you give bm's what they want, they realize they didn't want that from the get go, they just wanted the control and the fight.

I don't feel like a horrible person for feeling or saying how I feel. Our bm is a extremely bad mother. The courts don't care, and are not going to improve ss's childhood just b/c she is bitter.

Support your dh the best way you can, and if he decides to walk away....let him. Sometimes it seems like it's the wrong answer, but he is the one with the insight about how is ex really is. Sometimes by fighting them you are putting the kids thru so much more torment b/c the bm's are vindictive. You can't help that or prevent it outside of walking away.

Sorry to sound so gloom. We see ss around his bday and the holidays, and that is it. It works for now.

Candice

Welcome to our world!!!! You are in the right place.

You nailed it above when you said that "She is a control freak and can not stand the fact that he has moved on with me and that they share joint custody and court appointed visitation. She has tried everthing to cause problems". If you read almost everyone's blog, you'll see that you're not alone AT ALL! Many of the BioFathers that the stepmom's are married to have at one time or another thought seriously of backing off, even if it means not being able to see their biokids. Even if it means they STILL have to pay CS and don't get any visitation. You have to realize that a lot of the BM's that are described in the blogs are very self-centered and that they are above the law and that nothing will stop them...they accuse everyone else of violating any orders of the court when they are pro's at it; they cry and whine and lie and throw tantrums in court in hopes that they will get sympathy from the judges which in most cases they get put in their place by their antics. When that happens, it makes most of the Biofathers and SM's feel someone vindicated. They do what they want, when they want and why they want. They are not above trying to make your life miserable...because (to me) it really seems that they have nothing better to do with their time. They are miserable with themselves and look at you as having something they want and they know they can't have it anymore. So instead of moving on, they stay in the past and wreak havoc everywhere they go, not only with you but the ultimate tragedy is that the kids are traumatized by it and scarred by it. And most of these women left the relationship/marriage to begin with! They can't stand the fact that their ex has moved on without them like you said above!

Take a gander at all the blogs and you will see that I kid you not.

Do not feel bad either for thinking of backing off. Every situation is different and if backing off is something that you and your DH feel is going to help you stay sane, then it might be something to consider. You don't have to back off forever, but it does seem that you take the risk of the BM brainwashing the kids so badly it could take away later on. On this website, we will offer advice on many perspectives, but we will never, ever tall you "do this, do that". We will say, "can you possibly try this?" We will offer many suggestions and it's up to you to do what you want. Does that make sense?

Keep coming back. By the way, I am a BM, but not a SM and I honestly feel that I am not evil by any stretch of the imagination. Mainly because I have a grip on reality and it's not all about me, it's about my 4 kids. Not trying to toot my horn either but it's the evil BM's that make people like me look bad. Some people spoil it for the rest of us...

Take care and be well. I hope this helps.

MamaJenn24

Some men are like martinis: dry, very cold and they think they are fabulous because of the two olives dangling down at the bottom of their swizzle stick...Anonymous

On a smaller scale I am prepared for the day SD decides she wants to live with BM b/c BM spoils her materialistically, and trashes us, trains SD to compliment her and stroke her ego all the time, which is in turn making SD behave like a miniBM. Somedays I'm ready to drive her over and let her stay, b/c BM has made it quite clear to us by her actions that she doesn't want much time with SD. BM also spins this to SD that she can't see her as much as she would love to, but it's all our fault for suing for custody, and BM is the innocent victim in it all. SD buys it b/c the alternative, that BM didn't really fight back and turned custody over to us, is too painful.

BUT...I know it's not best for SD to be raised by a crazy woman. I know that the only shot she has at learning what a calm nurting marriage is, at having positve relationships in her adult life, to see what it means to be a good parent, is by seeing our example. I feel it's our duty to try, til she turns 18, then resign ourselves to accept whatever outcome happens. If she then leaves us for BM's hedonistic lifestyle, so be it.

So I would recommend trying to stay in touch with the son. I know there are some BD's and SM's (Anne who have done this forever without any acknowledgement. But you never know, one day those kids may just get it. And I personally couldn't risk walking away and letting my kids know they weren't worth fighting for (which is exactly how the child will interpret it, as well as BM having full reign to reinforce it without any balance from your side.)

Goodluck.
Peace, love, and red wine

Like with you, the drama that pervaded every single visitation pretty much ruined our time with the skids. There was a fight every single time DH asked to get them and more often than not, his visitation was denied, then rescheduled, then denied, then rescheduled. The time that we were actually with them was great... one big, happy family. I never had any problems with my skids. All three of them would curl up on my lap, hug and kiss me goodnight and tell me they loved me. It was never an issue of her children being mistreated or not wanting to be with us. I don't know why, but BM just did not want her kids coming to our house. There was never any real or valid reason given... she just didn't want them to be with us. She was the one who cheated on and eventually left DH, so it's not like she wanted HIM or anything. I still don't understand why she was so dead set on letting us have the kids, although with time I've come up with some pretty good possible reasons for why she may have acted that way. Maybe insecurity or jealousy. I just don't know.

We lived 4 1/2 hours away from the skids during most of our marriage. DH was in the military and that's as close as we could get to them, but we still did the driving to be with them. When he retired, we put in resumes all over the country. He was offered a couple of jobs closer to the skids, but neither one paid enough for him to be able to continue paying the high CS payment, so we had to take a job that was further away. By this time, the skids were teenagers and not wanting to spend their weekends with us, anyway. There's been another job change recently and now we're even further away, but at least now we can afford to fly them here for a visit. The big concern, though, is whether or not we should fork out the money for three airplane tickets when there's such a history of BM denying visitation at the last minute.

As it now stands, due to the geographical distance, we basically have phone calls and emails. I get aggravated a lot because they don't always respond to my emails and I thought they weren't answering because they suddenly decided to hate me or something, but DH asked the last time he had them on the phone and that's not the case. Apparently, all the freaking out I've been doing thinking they don't want to have anything to do with me wasn't correct... they still love me, still miss me, still ask about me, still think of me as their stepmom and all that. They're just busy teenagers who would rather be IM'ing their boyfriends then typing emails to their parents. (DUH!) I still think they are sadly lacking in manners and it really irks me that they don't seem to include our family in their lists of priorities, but I probably didn't put too much emphasis on family when I was a teenager, either.

Our life HAS improved dramatically since we moved away as far as dealing with BM. I guess the further away we are, the less threatened she is by us and, therefore, the more relaxed she is. DH and I both would love to be closer, geographically and in every other way, to his kids. I would love for my two to form a real brother/sister relationship with their siblings. But that just isn't the way it's worked out for us. We deal with a lot of guilt for not being closer, but when we did the math, this was really the best choice for all of us. We maintain a presence in the skids' lives as much as we possibly can from where we are and we still maintain hope that when they are adults, they will understand the kinds of sacrifices parents make for their children. Hopefully, the skids will someday see that us being so far away eliminated the fighting between their parents and that we never abandoned them, just kept loving them from afar. I'll let you know how it turns out!

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook

deleted to protect the innocent, hehehe...

Hit the post button twice... sorry.

You are in a tough spot. The both of you have to determine if it is worth walking away. I know that it is hard to do, but there are options.

You guys can go to court and get scheduled court ordered visitations, that BM can not interfere with no matter how much she doesn't like you. Be aware thaough, she is going to come out of the bag on you with all sorts of tricks to make you seem unfit. Stand your ground and don't allow her to bully or intimidate you.

How is BM towards SS? Does she treat him well, tend to his needs, and not consider him the latest accessory fashion? If she is a questionable parent a thing you have to consider is if you guys walk away, who is fighting and being his voice?

Also to consider, if you stay yea you struggle and fight with craziness, which can be a bit overwhelming, but you prove to SS especially when he is older and can understand, that he was important enough for you guys to stick around and fight for. If you leave the picture, BM will more than likely continue to put negative things in his head about you guys and your absence only affirms it in his mind. It is a very tough decision, but one that needs to be weighed cautiously for the good of all involved. Your SS needs his father around to teach him how to be a man.

I have wanted to walk, but that would mean leaving behind a wonderful guy that I love with all of my heart and soul and who cherishes me and our relationship. As hard as it has been, I stay because I feel that he and our love is worth it. I can only pray that in time, the kids will see who was really there for them regardless of what BM says. Also, if I walk she thinks she's won...NEVER in a million years will she have that satisfaction.

In the famous words of Money Mike (Katt Williams) "Pimpin ain't easy." Well Step-Parentin ain't no easier.

Step Mother's Motto this week is:

You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.