Do the skids want to come up to MA and see their dad?? I would think teens just want to stay home... hang w/their friends.

How old are they? They might not be considered unattended after a certain age.

Have you checked what Southwest charges for unattended.. perhaps see if you could get a great deal through them.

Not sure if where you and your dh moved away if you could split the cost... also, hide the things that you dont want her to find out about... put them away in your room, which you insist be OFF LIMITS!

I'm in the exact same place you are. When we lived in the same state as BM and skids, our life was a living hell. The constant telephone and email harassment, the false accusations after the kids would go back to her after our visits, the refusal to give us half the holiday time, the refusal of visitation, her constantly trying to dictate our lives, the court battles... it was taking a real toll on our marriage. When it came time for DH to retire from active duty, we had to decide where we wanted to go and what kind of civilian - ick!- job he might want to do. We left. We packed up and moved several states away. We had to. BM wasn't lettting DH have visitation with the kids and it was just a screaming match via telephone twice a month and on every holiday just to make the attempt. We just couldn't do it anymore emotionally. After we moved away, that eliminated the possibility of EOW or even EOH. We figured we'd get them for a couple of weeks in the summer and that was that. (We'd be paying airfare for three minors.) We recently moved again for DH's job and that put us even further away.

Being so far away does make us feel safer. We don't have to worry about fights over visitation, because we just don't see the skids anymore. We don't have to deal with her false allegations, her screaming tantrums, her manipulations. We just live our life and yes, it's GREAT! The downside is that DH doesn't really have much of a relationship with his kids, anymore, and neither do I. Neither do our two children, their half-siblings. And that really sucks. That's been really hard for all of us to deal with and it's not something that will every really go away. As hard as it is to maintain a relationship with your children after divorce as a NCP, it's almost impossible when you're a long-distance NCP. It's gotten better with time, but my husband still struggles with it regularly and I know he always will. I mean, they are his children. Of course he feels horrible about not being able to participate actively in their lives. Even though BM pushed us out, it's the end result that matters and the end result is my husband has three children from whom he has been estranged for years and all of whom he misses dearly. We've had to re-define what "happy" means to us.

The bad news is that in our case, the visiting parent is responsible for 100% of the cost of transporting the kids for visitation. When we lived closer, there were a few times when she would meet DH part way, but we know that if we fly them to us, we have to pay 100% of the cost of those three plane tickets. And we can't buy cheap seats other, because they are not refundable and there's no way I'm forking out over $600 to fly them here and then risk her not putting them on the plane. Don't take it out of CS, because then he'll be in arrears and if she wanted to get nasty, she could. If she won't agree to contributing towards the cost, then DH will just have to pay it. But don't make the mistake of taking it out of the CS. She'll have him back in court in a heartbeat.

Now for the rest of the bad news...! You can't erase the past as if he never had other children. Well, YOU might be able to get it out of YOUR head, but HE never will. And you really don't want him to, if you think about it. You have a baby with this man. Would you really want him to be the kind of father who could run out on his kids and never think twice about them, as if they never existed? Of course not! Because if he could do it to them, he could do it to the children you have together. That's not the kind of father you want for your baby.

But I can promise you that having his kids visit will not make you lose it if you handle the visits and the aftermath carefully. The visits don't need to be anything spectacular... just business as usual at Chel's house. Yeah, you may have some special activities lined up or whatever, but every visit doesn't have to be (and shouldn't be) a mini-vacation to Disney World. You are the captain of your ship and the boss in your home, so let yourself fill that role. You have every right to discipline your stepchildren and as long as your DH has no objection, your involvement with his kids can be as much or as little as you like. It's not based on what the BM wants. It's based on what feels right for you and your DH. So live your life the way you want to live your life, whether the skids are in your home or not. If she has a problem with that after they get back home to her, then worry about her reaction.

And speaking of her reaction, whatever she does, don't YOU give her the satisfaction of a response. DH has a cell phone? Can he set up an email address specifically for receiving emails only from her? Then those are the only methods you give her of contacting him. She does not have to have your home phone number or your email address. She will only blow up your phone if you give her the number. Make her call his cell and leave a message, because that can be turned off. You can choose when to deal with her, rather than being held hostage by your home telephone. And if she does start stirring shit, YOU MUST IGNORE HER! Don't give her the satisfaction of a response. Don't take it personally. Shrug your shoulders, roll your eyes, tell yourself it must suck to be her, then LET IT GO! Protect yourself with layers... layer one is not giving her access to your home phone; layer two is not giving her access to your cell phone or your email account, only DH's; and layer three is refusing to take her bait. Yes, you may have to fake ambivalence and nonchalance at first, but in time you'll build up a hard protective shell that she can't penetrate.

Your DH needs to keep an arsenal of phrases handy to diffuse her, if she goes off. "I'm sorry you feel that way." "I disagree, but I do hear what you are saying and I do see your point." "Why don't we discuss this when we are both less angry." That kind of thing.

All anyone wants (well, most people) is to live a peaceful existence. Of course you want to live the way you want to live, but does that require totally cutting his children out of his life? Yes, by all means, you can and should cut the BM out of your lives, but what about the kids? Can you accept that they will be a part of his life forever and adjust accordingly or does he have to give them up permanently for you and your family to be happy?

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook