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The two BMs

Mrs.Desperate's picture

Submitted by Mrs.Desperate on Tue, 11/15/2011 - 5:10pm

I said to my husband the other day: "Our marriage has nowhere to go but up. There's nothing else that could happen to us right now that could make this situation any worse." I was wrong!!

So, I have three stepsons: SS15 from DH's first relationship. SS8 and SS4 from DH's second relationship. I am, however, his first wife.

We've had all this conflict about the big LIES which SS8 said about me hitting him. Then SS4 decided to say the same. However, SS15 who actually lives with us, says and KNOWS it isn't true. Nevertheless, he decided to tell his mother all about what the other two were saying and how we're being investigated by CPS. Her immediate reaction, as a mother, was to ask if I had ever hit him. He said no, but she called DH and screamed at him for half an hour anyway. She said that she knew ALL about me and EVERYTHING I had ever done or said to the kids. She said that if she ever heard that I had done something wrong to her kid, all hell would break loose, and she said that I was the most horrible thing that had ever happened to her, her kid, DH and this entire country.

Apparently I'm the big-bad-witch in this story, which I know all of you are familiar with. Being a stepmother SUCKS and I just can't take it anymore. For lack of a BM, now I have TWO on my butt, hating my guts and wishing I were dead.

SS15 says that he didn't tell his mother anything at all, which he did of course. Then I asked him why he was being like this with me, if we had decided to be friends (which we did a couple of weeks ago). He said that he just thinks his life is terrible because of me. He has, and I quote: "those stupid rules you made", which he wasn't used to and made his life awful. That means that saying "hello," "goodbye" and "thank you for dinner" are the most horrible things that ever happened to him. Then he said that the worst that had happened to him was that I came to this country. He and his dad were managing very well before I came along and he couldn't understand why his dad couldn't just stay alone. And I quote: "You destroyed everything we had!"

With that said, he went to bed, I called my mother and cried for half an hour and heard all the "I told you so"s that she had to say and then realized that my husband had gone to bed too. Funny thing is that, OH YEAH! I am such a stupid, sucker, idiotic fool, that regardless of EVERYTHING this kids have done against me, I threw them a birthday party today. I decorated, made cake, wraped presents, etc.., for a birthday party that I wasn't allowed to go to (because of CPS). And to make it even worse, my stupid DH went to bed without cleaning anything up. I guess he just expected me to do that as well... I must be the new maid...

I'm really angry! Sorry for my rambling on...

Comments

sloopysgrl's picture

Submitted by sloopysgrl on Tue, 11/15/2011 - 5:27pm

Baby girl we have all been there and will be there again. The question I have to ask myself every day is "how much do I love my husband?" I answer every day that my daughters and my husband is why I get up every day. The simple little kiss after dinner. Kiss on the forehead when he is off to work in the morning. The phone call in the morning to make sure I’m up and not going to be late for work myself. The way he tries to protect me from the evil things his xwife says about me. The way he will roll over and say I love you before he falls asleep. This is why I do it every day. When the Skids are all grown up and gone all you will have is your husband. How strong is your love??? Keep your chin up, you know what is right. In the long run the truth comes out and if the little shits that are lying don’t break down and tell the truth then what is the worst that can happen they can’t come over any more. That’s two less headaches you have to deal with... Hot bath and good stiff drink at the end of the day never hurt any stepmom...

madrasta's picture

Submitted by madrasta on Wed, 11/16/2011 - 7:46am

Thanks for the reminder! I love my dh so very much. I keep telling myself I should just *get over* the crap with his daughter because I love him so much. It is just easier said than done, I guess.

ThatGirl's picture

Submitted by ThatGirl on Tue, 11/15/2011 - 5:27pm

I'm so sorry, but I do feel like you're being treated as the housekeeper. Maybe it's time for you to stop trying to do so much for these kids, since it doesn't appear as though they (or your husband) appreciate it.

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Tue, 11/15/2011 - 6:35pm

Stop trying NOW! Be an adoring wife but do NOTHING for Mr15. He wants something picked up, say "Sorry, ask your Dad." Be nice, smile, be polite but no more. He wants you to get something form the other room "sorry! I'm busy. Ask your Dad!" The when he complains you can smile and say "Welll you said things were much better before I was here so this is what you wanted. If I wasn't here before I couldn't have done these things for you>"

See when we do something for somebody we should be doing it for no reward. If I offer to do my SSons laundry he is not obliged to do anything in return. If he does nothing but ocmplain then I don't do it again. If he helps me out by picking up a gallon of milk I am more inclined to help him out again. So right now your appreciation scale is at zero and they have to EARN your helpfulness back.

As for Mr15 you may want to mention some time when he is telling you how miserable you make his life and how his father was fine with him until you came along... that really his anger should be directed towards his father for marrying you. After all, you couldn't even BE in the country if his dad hadn't fallen in love with you. That wasn't your fault. You don't have magic powers. And how owuld he feel when he has a girlfriend (or boyfriend) and his father got all snotty with him because 'things were fine until SHE/HE came along. We were fine together..." So this 15 yr old saw his entire future and adulthood living with his father? I bet that little eye opened will make him think a bit. And really, how selfish to ASSUME his father doesn't need asnother adult in his life to love and care for.

Nothing annoys teens like logic. They just can't handle it.
Just back off being Mrs Nicegirl. Be a good wife but let the kids do their own thing and don't life a finger.

sarah0307's picture

Submitted by sarah0307 on Wed, 11/16/2011 - 5:28am

Wow I feel bad for you. I'm in a similar situation. My SD6 went back to her Mum and said I was smacking her. I banned her from the house!! Which probably wasn't a mature or reasonable thing to do but I hate her Mum too and she believed her. I think we are going to meet up to discuss the situation. Could you do the same perhaps? There's so much jealousy from kids to their step-mums and also from step-Mum's to their step kids. It's all F****d up really isn't it? As for throwing the party I really wouldn't have bothered...no matter how many nice things you do for them- they will not appreciate it! Step back step mamma!

StarStuff's picture

Submitted by StarStuff on Wed, 11/16/2011 - 7:06am

I'm so sorry that all this is happening to you. I've been following your story for a while and just can't imagine being in your situation. The only advice I have is to parrot what's already been said, and I wish you the best.

majka's picture

Submitted by majka on Wed, 11/16/2011 - 7:34am

Welcome back Wink I wondered where you had went. Again, I am so sorry for what you are going through.... my heart hurts for you so badly, and I wish that I had some better advice, but all that I can say is that this too shall pass. I do not know if things will get better concerning the children, but just continue to do what you are doing, and one day the truth will come out.

Just keep yourself busy, and post a lot haha! Thats how I keep myself distracted!