Words of wisdom ( as much as we won't like this)
My divorce will be final Nov 7 th and while I am SO happy to be done with DH and his crotch droppings I am still somewhat resentful about the way it all went down.
I was talking to a friend who is a male and in his 50s. He is from Greece and moved to this country about 15 years ago. He is not the kind of man I would EVER date or be involved with. ( he is friends with my neighbors whom I love, and was over at their home for a birthday party)
He has been married several times and left the women and then hooked up with women in their 20s and 30s. I have always thought he was a jerk and a narcissist. He always gets gorgeous women and he is not attractive at all. Infact, I'd have to say he isn't even average looking. He is very charming and has a sexy accent....that is about it.
Anyway, I was telling him how I was used and treated bad by skids over and over again.....I felt I gave so much and received nothing in return. I took care of DH for 2 years while he battled leukemia and support everyone financially for that time.
This man looked at me and said " Don't be a victim! There are no victims......... only volunteers."
I sat there stunned for a min and also annoyed, but the more I thought about it I came to the startling conclusion .......he is so right on.
Everything I did for skids and DH was of my own doing....no one put a gun to my head and made me do it. I did everything VOLUNTARY !!!!!!!!!
I just had to post this because I think it is true of most of us on here......next time you feel or think you are being wronged, taken advantage of, used or abused......by skids or DH or his family...did you do it to yourself??
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I know I can do better...I
I know I can do better...I know I don't have to do everything I do. I love your words of wisdom and I do agree. I think we do it for love...for our DH...although we don't get what we'd like in return. I actually love my steps...I don't like the oldest sometimes...but I keep thinking that I am the change they need in their life. I am WHAT they need to succeed. I hope it's true...and I hope my decision to stay and keep trying makes this all worth it. I am sorry it did not work out for you...and who knows...someday I may get completely fed up. I had a stepmom tell me - it never gets "better" it just gets different. Everyday is different?
Unbelievable, My therapist
Unbelievable,
My therapist told me early on in reference to DH and kids not reciprocating my love, kindness, giving etc.
He said " One of the hardest things to accept is people only have their kind of love to give, not your kind of love to give."
I immediately saw DH and skids in a different light, and not a good one. Their " kind of love" was simply unsatisfactory to me. I realized they would always stay the same....CHANGELESS!!!
I think this is a bit of an
I think this is a bit of an oversimplification typical of a male viewpoint, especially a man who may have had a fairly charmed life and not had his illusion of being in control shattered in any major way.
I don't think I volunteered to be abused as a child or bullied at school. I don't think I volunteered to have my SD's trash my things or the BM fill my life with stress that I was not permitted to fight back against. There are things in life we are not in control of, and as we get older most of us resign ourselves to this fact.
Kes, I'm certainly not
Kes, I'm certainly not talking about child abuse or being bullied as a child. When you are a child you have no control over your life. As an adult you can choose to stay or leave......
Don't take this wrong because I too felt the same but yes, we did volunteer to have skids trash our stuff and BM stress us out!
When I got sick and tired of being sick and tired I ended the marriage. That was my choice........
Everything else didn't matter.....I could say " but I love DH so much , it's just the skids....or BM that are the problem"
Ummm.....that's really me being a victim over something I willingly tolerated.
By the way, don't get me wrong, I think men are " volunteers " too.
How do you think so many of them hook up, marry, and breed with BMs we wouldn't have near our pets? Then these same men boo hoo about child support, college, health insurance and having to deal with BM.
The cold hard truth is we all make choices and many of us ( myself included) make crummy ones and then wonder why we are unhappy, stressed, depressed, angry, resentful and tired.
Look at the time we spend on step talk. Seriously, it's a bit disturbing......I know I have needed supported over the past years but when you think about it, there are wonderful , great times we should be having in life and yet here we our bitching and blogging about our lives and marriages and skids.
Not going to ramble anymore......I just wish everyone the richest life possible!!!!
Words of Wisdom, yes I would
Words of Wisdom, yes I would agree, we all make choices.
But sometimes others make choices that we are forced to live with.
When my EX made choices it affected my whole life, yes I had choices and I chose to get rid of him. The ripple affect of his choices were still prevalent in my life.
I remember my counselor saying to me, you need to thank God for the revelation of truth in your life.
I thought, thank God my daughters life is for ever changed and she is hurt and shocked, thank God for my life being turned upside down, and over as I knew it. WHATEVER.
But you know what after a few months I realized I was thankful, and Knowing the truth was better than living a lie.
I wish you well with your new life and I am glad you are at peace with your decision.