ADVICE PLEASE>.....My daughters do not like my fiance
:? I am looking for some sound off on whether my girls are just being controlling and unbending or if their argument is legitimate....
My boyfriend of 1.5 years has asked me to marry him. I said YES! I should start out with that we were together for over a year and then split up because of the dynamics of moving, him losing his job, me becoming laid off etc etc. There were way too many straws on the camels back and we both just decided on seperating and getting our lives together and that was 8 months ago. In this mess was also my kids "raised irritation" to how he parents and how I do.
Back to the now...we are both back working and have gotten our lives back in order....we both still feel very much in love and share so many things. Our personalitys match, our passions, our likes, dislikes etc. I truly do feel I have found my match after being divorced 6 years. The only hiccup and the BIGGEST in this... my 2 youngest daughters who constantly thrash out at how he "handles" things to how I do. He was raised in a very strict home, has a "leader" mentality, has never had older children and is a very self assured person and also has that "tone" when talking about certain things that obviously disturbs him. I am more laid back and earn the respect of my kids as well as teach them how they should be in life, with adults etc....after having 4 kids I pick my battles and make our HOME a loving, fun, all for one and one for all homestead who we all pitch in and are there and supportive of each other while also knowing our boundries and right from wrong! Him and I recenly spoke to the merging as he knows my kids have an effect on how much I will compromise on our union. My KIDS come first but I also want to know that I am not letting my daughters control the situation by just grumping about everything. My fiance and I have talked and AGREED that me and the kids home and the way it is run obviously "WORKS" for us and he wants to only be their friend and let me handle my children. He wants to be supportive but not overbearing as they have a father. My kids were told they would show respect, be considerate and I asked them to please see how things would go. We started on weekend visits oh him staying over and things are OK but he still trys to PLAY OFF a comment about my daughters fan running and doesnt need to, or I shouldnt have to dishes after work on my dish day etc etc... My girls complain that he hasnt changed and they dont like him. However they also are fine when we are doing something fun or shopping etc. Most of the time I dont really see anything wrong in what he is saying necessarily but how he delivers it. My 11 year old is a big softy and very timid....Just wondering if anyone has advice on how to talk to my girls and or him to see if we can work through this....PLEASE HELP and sorry this is so long.
"If your kids and you have
"If your kids and you have been happy thus far with your living arrangement and your kids come first for you, then why are you changing things? I understand you want to be with your BF, but sometimes love just isn't enough. It might be best to finish raising your kids, then move your BF into the home."
It took me a few years to figure this out. I dated a bit when my son was young, but they all ended because I was not willing to put anyone before my son. I wasn't willing to change how I parent.
I stopped looking for a serious relationship until my son was older. I met DF 2 weeks after my son graduated from high school. This was the best thing for both my son and I, no tension, no stress, no walking on egg shells in our home.
All valid points and I see
All valid points and I see what your saying..... in regards to respect I meant my kids DO respect me and the rules.....and they know when they are not but I also dont run my home like a bootcamp. We are all a team and work together. They all have their moments as all kids do...I even have my own moments. I am unsure what will happen and I will be sitting down this next weekend and having a very long talk with them and my BF as I want to make the right choice for ALL involved including him and myself. I LOVE my kids and they do COME first but they also do not RUN the show. I was simply looking for some advice on Blended Families and some neutral viewpoints. Thank you for your responses.
My big worry is that you have
My big worry is that you have not been back together that long... Marriage can be really difficult under good circumstances, when you were young without children and chose poorly as someone to stand by your side- it only affected you. Now you have kids, and choosing a spouse should be a much bigger deal. You guys couldn't make it through job loss. Sorry, but much, much bigger stressors are possibly going to happen in life than a job loss.
Step back, think it through, there is no one pushing you to hurry and get married. Date a little longer, let some stressors come up and see if the relationship can handle them before you jump in and get married. Show your kids how to handle a major decision, with time and wisdom.