Excessive CS, 50/50 custody & a BM who only works part-time
Just need to vent because every once in a while I get really sick of BM having such an EASY life.
FDH & I have been together for over 7 years, living together for about 3.5 years and have been engaged for about 6 months now. We have his 2 kids from his previous marriage to BM living with us 50% of the time (FSD16.5 & FSS13.5), as we share 50/50 true joint legal custody of the fskids with BM. FDH works his ASS off - I can almost say he is a workaholic, to the point where he has to work MANY, MANY hours just to keep his head above water with CS. He really, really busts his ass trying to work as much as possible.
This is because when he & BM divorced, he was convinced by his attorney to agree to paying $1,500/MONTH to BM, otherwise the "judge MIGHT force him to pay her MORE if their case went to trial". We live in the not-so-great, BM-loving state of New York - land of the MASSIVE CS$$ awards to BM's (and also one of the FEW states that legally force a NCP to pay CS until a child turns 21!!!!). So, FDH felt he had no other choice but to agree to these terms. FDH also stupidly agreed to always keep the fskids covered fully under HIS medical & dental insurance plans, since he figured it's almost "free" through his employer - dumb ass. FDH also agreed to pay 90% of all child care expenses, unreimbursed medical, discretionary educational...anything related to fskids. What an IDIOT my FDH was...and what a WIMP his attorney was, too. I mean, really, way to go, FDH - you literally let BM get away with not having to financially support her own children EVER - she is not accountable for their support AT ALL.
Needless to say, 2 sets of braces & orthodontic bills later...there's another $5,000 out of FDH's pocket. Cost to BM = ZER0.
BM, all the while, NEVER worked a full-time job in her life - and she's almost 45 YEARS OLD!! Not when they were dating, not when they were married, not after their divorce. She is healthy enough and capable to work full-time, she just doesn't want to. She lives off of the CS$$ mostly. Her entitlement attitude is of the highest level that I've ever seen in my life. Yet, she has been literally holding herself out as the "victim single mother" to others (not only strangers, but to the fskids' friends parents, etc...). Meanwhile, she gets paid $1,500/mo. to only take care of her own 2 children 50% of the time. Hmmm...... During the divorce, BM tried to earn cash under the table - waitressing, bartending, etc... all the while telling the fskids to keep it secret so she could cry poverty to the court - that always works here in NY and they only imputed VERY little income to her in computing CS$$. The only way we were able to try to prove she was making cash & hiding it was we had FDH's lawyer subpoena one of the places that we found out she worked at.
So BM is a lazy, lying, master PASinator with fskids...yet FDH still gets the short end of the stick.
BM is not held to ANY standards. Not held accountable at ALL towards the support of the children. Nothing.
Oh, and did I mention that BM walked away about $70,000 richer from FDH having to take out a mortgage loan to BUY BM out of the house -the one that HE WORKED HARD AND PAID FOR during their marriage??? Yeah, market values of houses were MUCH higher back then during their divorce negotiations than now... You know what she did with THAT money? Started a college savings acct for the fskids??? NAH! Put a downpayment on a house for the fskids to live in? NAH!! Those would benefit the fskids, not HER, silly! She blew through the $70,000.00 in about 2 years (a little less, I think). Wow, just wow. I guess it's easy to blow through money when you haven't EARNED it yourself and you have no idea how HARD it is to EARN that much money. FDH now has a 2nd mortgage on his house, so he pays 2 mortgage payments every month for this house ON TOP OF the $1,500/mo. in CS & everything else.
FDH is also an AMAZING father. He is very hands-on, takes fskids on family vacations at least once a year (usually in summer) - has taken them to Florida 3 times, on cruises, camping upstate, horseback riding, etc..... He does just about ANYTHING he can do for these kids (who, by the way, are very entitled and spoiled thanks to BM).
The only thing BM is doing for work nowadays, is working as an LPN at a nursing home about 24 hours/week. I know this because FSS13.5 has mentioned MANY times in the past that they always call her to come in to work more...so she ignores the phone and screens her calls because she "doesn't wanna go to work". She yells at fskids if they pick up the phone without screening the caller ID to see who it is, first. I have absolutely NO idea how she got her LPN to begin with, after failing out of the local community college after 1 semester, etc... She's as dumb as a box of rocks - she was a preggo high-school dropout at 17 (not my FDH's kid, but with a prior "baby daddy") and is completely uneducated. I really feel SO badly for the elderly residents she takes care of at that place.
Meanwhile, I work full-time as I own my own business. Busted my ass working my entire life since I'm VERY young. Put myself through college, put myself through law school, bought my house with my own money & got my own mortgage, bought 2 brand new cars over the past 15 years (I keep my cars until they die - lol) - never had ANYTHING EVER HANDED TO ME on a "silver platter" like BM has her entire life.
I just get a little sick of this shyte every once in a while and need to vent about it, that's all.
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Comments
Thank you, whoanelly. I
Thank you, whoanelly. I appreciate your support - it helps more than you know. It's so refreshing to hear that someone else agrees with how I feel/think with this whole CS bullcrap in 50/50 cases.
You hit the proverbial nail on the head with your reply, too - this: "CS in 50/50 cases is penalizing the GOOD parents financially"
Yep, it certainly does penalize the HARDER WORKING, HIGHER EARNING parent - when it should be penalizing in the exact OPPOSITE WAY! Shouldn't the system be somehow punishing the LAZY PARENT, who is fully capable of, and healthy enough to be, WORKING FULL-TIME, but chooses NOT to?!? Shouldn't the parent who is sitting home, purposely underemploying herself be PUNISHED by the system for NOT FINANCIALLY SUPPORTING their own children???? What gives that parent the RIGHT to do this - to not be forced to go out and work full-time to support their kids???
:::Milomom shaking her head back and forth in shame:::
Where is the fairness to my FDH, or to ANY FATHER in this situation??? Where is the fairness to the GOOD FATHERS??? Perhaps, the history of why CS exists is to protect BM's from "deadbeat dads" who run away from their obligations, but THAT ISN'T THE GOOD FATHERS! How is it FAIR to treat a 50/50 father the same way as a "deadbead dad" with regard to CS & financial obligations???
Also, you hit the nail on the head with this: "Why is HIS financial responsibility more than hers?" EXACTLY, whoanelly!! Exactly!! I have pondered this EXACT same thing myself MANY, MANY times. The state somehow thinks it's OK somehow, in a 50/50 situation, to allow lazy BM's to "ride the coattails" of a GOOD father's financial successes and sit back and enjoy the ride!! Hello???
To answer your last question: they DID factor in her "extra income". She was claiming she made $0 per year (crying poverty) in her original court papers...but when we advised her lawyer we subpoenaed her employer and obtained a letter from them stating that she made $200 per week (which, of course, did not include TIPS, as this was a restaurant she had been waitressing at), she was forced to admit she made that, b/c the court would have imputed AT LEAST $10,000/year of income to her if it had gone to trial. She agreed to admit the $10,000/yr. income so as to avoid a trial (where we likely would've been able to nail her lying ass to a wall about EVERYTHING she does) - and that's the ONLY income of hers that was factored into the CS formula when it was calculated. Even getting this done was very hard work, believe it or not, because she constantly changed jobs more times than the average person changes their clothes. She wouldn't work at all, then we'd find out she was "bartending at private parties" making big tips, then she'd quit, then she'd get a job waitressing at a local restaurant (again - all cash & tips), then she'd quit there 6 months later, etc... She would never stay at the same job long enough for us to get any official employment/wage paperwork on her, KWIM???
I totally understand I have
I totally understand I have the same BM... she is almost 37 years old, has NEVER had a full-time job in her life.. her excuse has always been the kids... well her oldest kid (that she had with some other sap at 16 years old) is almost 20 and SS is 12 so that excuse isn't going to work much longer. Since I have been with DH in the past 5 years, she has had 4 different jobs.. her latest being a waitress where she works like 11-2... wtf? how do you expect to make any money working 11-2 honey?? But she is always crying poverty, always TELLING DH he needs to cough up extra money for school clothes, instrument lessons, sports, etc etc because she is soooo broke.
Why does her lack of education, lack of work ethic, lack of money management have to be everyone else's problem?? Well because she is ENTITLED of course, because she birthed a son.. BARF
Oh and a p.s. we also live in the lovely state of NY and my DH was ordered to pay $30,000 back to the state for expenses that BMs incured when giving birth to the precious steps because they didn't have insurance. Why the hell is the father SOLELY responsible for this??? Why do the skanks who had babies with no insurance not have to pay a dime? I agree with the above poster... maybe we need to start a campaign against this BM racket they have going on in this state.
Wow, DaizyDuke! I think you,
Wow, DaizyDuke! I think you, me and AM share the same BM?!?! Is that possible?
How can a 37 yr old woman NEVER have had a full-time job in her life?? Is THAT even possible? How pathetic these BM's are - totally dependent on men that they use for a roof over their head, a car and a "family" that looks so nice on the outside to strangers.
Oh please, I hate that "I have the kids" excuse, ESPECIALLY when the kids are of school-age!! There is absolutely NO REASON WHATSOEVER that a BM cannot work while a child is in school full-time!! For example, why can't she at least work a 10am-2pm job on school days that she has the kids and longer hours on the days she doesn't have the kids to make up for the hours & income??? Why don't they? Because the system doesn't FORCE them to be accountable for their own children, so they don't - that's why.
It's funny that when a BM is begging for money from her exH or exBF, it's always "for the sake of the kids" (TM) as to why she's "entitled" to that money and why HE should be working hard to EARN IT to support the kids. But when you turn the tables around, how come the same reasoning isn't applied to a BM? Shouldn't she be working hard to earn income to financially support the kids "for the sake of the kids" (TM)???? Oh no, somehow that's different. Yep, it's called the Golden Uterus/BM double-standard. When it comes to financially supporting the kids, they're still in the Stone Ages thinking that's the FATHER'S job! Yet, they STILL feel "entitled" to more, too. Pathetic - no other words to describe these BM's. Pathetic greedy leeches.
P.S. WOW to your DH being ordered to pay $30,000 back to NYS for the childbirth when they didn't have insurance! Shame on NYS!! Why did your DH become responsible for all of that amount and NOTHING from BM??? So, I guess what NYS wants to encourage people to do, I guess, is to NEVER be employed so they NEVER have to repay those childbirth expenses??? And NYS wonders why there's SO MUCH FRAUD and the budget is so irreparably SCREWED UP!!
Yep, similar situation here - FDH was forced to pay about $16,000 additional to BM for "underpaid CS" that she was "entitled to" during the 2.5 year time period it took from their legal separation filing to their divorce settlement - BM wouldn't sign it unless that was included, too. So, let's see...she is legally allowed to DRAG OUT their divorce an additional 1.5 years fighting over money she was never entitled to and making frivolous motions and false accusations to try to get her claws into ALL of FDH's assets/pension, etc...(all of which she LOST and did NOT get in court) - and yet she gets REWARDED with $16,000 in additional CS for that 2.5 years that the divorce was dragged out which SHE CAUSED and was not necessary! That $16K was on TOP OF the $70K in "equity" in the house FDH bought her out of (which no longer exists since the housing market has since collapsed), for which he had to take out a 2nd mortgage to pay her and he is now saddled with TWO MORTGAGE PAYMENTS ON TOP OF THE MASSIVE MONTHLY CS!!!
AM, I am totally convinced of
AM, I am totally convinced of that fact - there must be a "BM cloning machine". They are everywhere - I don't get it.
I just commented on your post about the recent BM ranting to your SO how you're so "mean" to their kids, yelling at them all the time when SO isn't around.
Yep, I've been there also. Maybe you & I somehow share the same BM?? I can't think of anything else...
Sorry my reply to your post is so long, btw.
What's maddening in my
What's maddening in my situation -- DH works, BM doesn't. She doesn't even ATTEMPT an 11-2 job mentioned in one of the previous posts (ha ha). Because she chooses NOT to work (and hasn't since the teenage skids were born) my DH pays a higher amount of CS. Really.... ran it thru the state calculator. Apparently they were divorced before that whole "imputing a nominal wage" came into effect because his CS is based on her making ZERO. If they were to impute minimum wage now, it would make his CS go down quite a bit. If she was making what she is capable of (allegedly a college grad, rumor has it) it would go down even further. But no. She says it's too stressful to raise 2 kids AND work. Doesn't make sense, does it?