Diesngage or leave? Really? There have to be other solutions!
I'm really tired of the advice or comments about difficulties being to either disengage or leave. Neither of them solve anything and both are the easy way out. Why not put some work into something and have it come out better in the end? Is the point of this site to HELP or just to encourage eachother to QUIT? I knew my DH had kids when we got married, I didn't know what holy terrors SD15 would be, but I'm not stupid and I'm not blind. It's a challenge for sure, but it's overcomming challenges that builds relationships. If we just quit and give up or walk away, what damage are we doing to this next generation? What disservice are we doing to our marriages/relationships?
Times are very tough right now with my SD. She is a horrible terrible brat. I honestly hate her! But I'm not so short sighted that I can't see that there's a solution out there somewhere. What kind of insensitive monster would I be to say "okay kid, go self destruct"? That kind of destruction could have even worse impacts on my marriage. I'd like to do something to help instead!
When I post things, I'm looking for advice that will help. I'm venting my anger so I don't take it out at home. It's really nice to know I'm not alone and to hope that someone out there has gone though what I am and has some suggestions or ideas...or just has encouragement to offer.
Please, stop telling me to "leave" or "disengage" though.
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Agree with you, but sometimes
Agree with you, but sometimes there is not other answer but to bail. I am blessed that FH
is a great dad and works with me concerning his kids.
Not everyone on this site has support from their
SO or Hubby.
To many times, I read the post, and I am amazed that these smart, successful, compassionate women are trapped in these horrible, relationships with these men who couldn't manage their way out of a wet paper bag. No wonder they cannot see the damage they are doing to their wives and their kids. They crossed lines and boundaries along time ago with their step kids and cannot regain the ground again. It is so hard to undo! And lets face it, these relationships do not come with a rule book.
This site, has taught me so much. I will not pick up the kids or take them places unless it is a situation that has no other solution, or just want to do something special with them. I do not watch them it is not my responsibility, I do not pick up after them. If I choose to treat, then that is my choice but FDH picks up the tab for his kids.
I am not their mom, and I do not assume the role of mother. They have one, she is a piece of work, but it is their mother.
I do treat them with respect and love. I am an example to them. So I am careful with my words and actions. I do expect repect back.
We are here to help each other, to listen, to give advice. But really, sometimes you just have to pick up the pieces and start over.
I was married for 27 yrs. Should have not been.
I wish I would of had the courage to have started over, instead of a waiting so long to get out of a horrible marriage.
I found what a responsible, loving man looks like. I robbed myself of too many years, waiting for someone to change who was not ever going too.
Sometimes you have to have the courage to leave and start over.
I agree with all of this. I'd
I agree with all of this. I'd also like to add that from reading your blogs and posts, it seems like not only does your DH not have your back, he has his daughter's back *against* you. If he doesn't already, he'll begin to view you as the cancer that's eating away at your marriage because you're the one always stirring the pot. Never mind that it's in response to SD's bad behavior; he doesn't/won't see it that way.
I agree with StepAside on
I agree with StepAside on some points too. I am not happy with my siuation either, but just am not willing to give up, and giving in won't work for me.
I also agree with you as well...that he doesn't alwasy have my back (he does sometimes though and when he doesn't he doesn't show it to SD15, so that's good). But your comments are also why it's important to figure out how to fix this before it's out of control. How can I open his eyes to this? How can I help him see that I'm the messenger, not the one who's doing the bad things?
No.....it's not working for
No.....it's not working for me....You read my last post, right?
I'm very frustrated. But morally, giving up is not an option. Maybe it won't be easy, but I beleive that DH can see right from wrong and can see what SD is doing, but he doesn't like having to do the hard stuff and making her unhappy. Which really just ticks me off. Sometimes, he does the right thing...but then he undoes it by coddling her in some way. Believe it or not, there has been some good growth since we got married. But she's still a jerk to me. And while he tells her that's not okay, she still does it. He even told her that she wasn't easy to like.
It's a difficult tightrope, but there are successful tightrope walkers out there who have crossed this path and lived. I've just got to find the balance between helping to raise qulity kids with DH's support and not being seen as the pot-stirrer. I need help finding that balance though b/c today it feels like I've landed on the ground...but I'm going to get back up and I'm going to try again! I'm stubborn.
Wow! Some hot comments! -I'm
Wow! Some hot comments!
-I'm not telling you what advice to give, I'm expressing my opinion about what isn't helpful or positive.
-Yes, I did have a blog about medication, but after discussion and some back and forth advice from others - good solid advice, realized that maybe exercise was the solution. And so far, it's been working.
-My SD's don't have a mom. She left them. I am all that they have. Even though I'm not their mother, it's like I'm more of an adoptive mom than a step mom...or rather both in one package. It is difficult.
-My DH is frustrating and unsupportive at times, but very strong and supportive at others. I'm frustrated A LOT and I don't like being in this situation, but too often we see "leaving" or "disengaging" in one form or another as a solution when it's really just a cop out. Possibly distancing yourself from the situation may be easier for others, but our kids are with us 100% of the time. It would not work in our home. Plus, my DH deploys...so SD's would just be left without a parent?? It wouldn't work.
-My DH does want my opinions and influence but isn't always able to accept it. He struggles with letting someone else in to his daughter's lives (well, really just SD15). I struggle with liking someone who's a total jerk that I have to share a home and a life with. That's why I'm on this site. I'm not saying that I know anything at all, just that I'd like some real advice vs. the pat answers that seem to be handed out like blank checks to "Leave" or "disengage". If you have found that disengaging is working out well for you or has over the years, that's great - in my situation though, it would not work at all. It would be disasterous.
-We all did go to counseling, but things are not yet better. We were unfortunate to have gone to some that just weren't very good. I'm doing research now and going to try again. DH is receptive to letting SD15 keep going.
-If I don't make efforts now to fix parts of this relationship triangle, then down the road, when she's a needy bratty 20-something, I'm pretty sure it will still be difficult! And If there is a problem, NOW is the time to work on it before things get worse.
Oh, and I do appreciate the bluntness! It's why I like this site.
Manicmom - speaking strictly
Manicmom - speaking strictly from my own experience.........
I nearly left DH because of his kid. Disengaging helped our situation because I was finally able to pull away from the poison his kid and Uberskank (BM) were spewing everywhere in my life.
However staying and disengaging came with a price. My mental and physical health. I'm not the same person any more. After $5K in counseling, mental health and medical bills, I look in the mirror and see an old, defeated lady.
If I could go back to two years ago I wouldn't have disengaged. I would have left DH and got my life back on track.
Well said ls1988 . . Amen! I
Well said ls1988 . . Amen! I don't think it's a cop out either and think it's warranted on a case by case basis. I'd rather disengage than end up in a psy ward half crazy because of the stress caused by SD (27) and jellyback DH's lack of assertiveness towards her.
In my case, I've partially disengaged and will speak and have occasional chit chat. . that's it. We're not hanging out or going shopping. I know who I'm dealing with and have chosen not to put myself through that. I've decided I'm not going to play school girl head games with SD and stoop to her level of pettiness or foolishness. I'm above that. You have to find what works for and is best for you. SD (27 and still lives w/us) and disengaging allows me to focus on the most important person in my marriage. . . me!
Its really good to see
Its really good to see someone actually want to work on their relationships. My relationship with my SD went from good to strained to non-existent, because of issues between DH and his ExW, but I would never, ever start judging a 15 year old on what adults do. We are teaching these kids how to behave. And I dont know how anyone could ever think it is okay to speak so badly of children.
I choose to disengage from the battles between my DH and his ex, and instead offer support and love. I also disengage from the games he plays with his DD, out of guilt and fear. The only thing I ask is that he does the same for me, and we behave respectfully towards everyone in our home. I will treat my SD with respect and will care for her as a child under my roof, and will not respond to her bad behaviour with more of my own. I will expect standards of behaviour from them that I expect from my own children, and if these standards are not met then DH and I address it as a family.
I wont disengage from a young person who is confused and conflicted. They have enough to go through without us adding nastiness, bitterness and one upmanship into the mix. I will, however, disengage from an adult that wants to involve me in a battle that is not mine.
Thank you RBM! I was starting
Thank you RBM! I was starting to think I was alone again... There are situations you need to pull away from that you can't control or won't be able to add anything to, like the adult relationships. But the ones where you have something positive to offer, you should! And we all have something positive to offer these "horrible" little kids who our DH's and SO's have asked us to share a life with.
I sent an email to Focus on the Family about the issues I'm facing now, and they have a free counseling line = 800/A-FAMILY (232-6459) weekdays between 6:00 A.M. and 8:00 P.M. (MT). Hopefully they will have some suggestions, and if they do I will share them here.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I feel that the step parents who have it all figured out aren't online, they don't need to vent and blow off steam. Us, the ones who don't have it figured out though ARE here venting and comisserating. Once things are going well, you don't need sites like this because the anger will be gone. And therefore we can't really learn from people who've got it all together... I'm thinking that the anger is still within all of us here on this site now...you can tell by the posts and blogs that we all (ME included) post. I know I've got the anger...the frustration...the confusion... And I hesitate to give advice a lot of times, other than general parenting tips, because I know that I don't have it all figured out.
Anyway, that's my two cents... I'm sure I've offended a lot of people, and I'm sorry.
Echo - calm down a little. If
Echo - calm down a little. If you feel like my words are insinuating that you are an "insensitive monster", then that's on you. I'm not offering you adivce or judging you for your choices. I'm voicing opinions about what isn't part of my situation and what is...what is possible and what is not - for ME.
And 15 year olds are such confused and lost souls! They are selfish by nature. And add the troubles and confusions of blended families, jealousy, anger, divorce, angry adults, butter adults, adults with baggage of their own...and you have it multiplied. While everyone should be held accountable for their own actions, as adults, we need to help guide these lost kids a little instead of being selfish. It's not easy. Oh WOW it's not easy - it's pretty darn difficult most days! It's not an easy path we've chosen to be a part of a family that already has kids - but it's like going to a Chinese restaurant and getting pissed because they have Chinese food on the menu! You chose to go there! And using that analagy, I am currently pissed, but I'm sure that if I stick around I'll be able to find something that's suitable that will suit my tastes...Don't just leave b/c you're confused. Stick around and figure it out. Stay in the game and talk to others about what's good and what works... Maybe I'm pollyanna, but I'm certain there is a solution.