Officially disengaging (sorta) with "approval" from FDH. Also a question for you disengagers out there.
Loooonggg, emotional talk last night with FDH and my feelings about the skids. Basically I've turned into the bad guy because I'm primarily the one around when the skids act up. FDH backs me up when he's there but he just simply doesn't notice half the stuff they do. Also I'm the one who gets them going in and drops them off in the mornings which is just a joy *dripping sarcasm*.
So FDH said that he basically got sick of constantly disciplining them and thought they needed a "break" once in awhile. We need to pick our battles, he says. I'm like...maybe you could have told me about this change in disciplining plans when you decided this?? So for the last 8 months I've just become the bad guy and you've LET me? He said he thought I'd follow his lead... ugh...that pisses me off because I very obviously wasn't! I was picking up his slack instead!
So then I got pissed because I was like, So we'll have a separate set of rules for SS3 and SD6 than for our BS??? That's not fair! And he agreed but he goes, "Since BS was born the skids are sooo weird. They're not affectionate and they're so moody. I think we just need to let them adjust in peace for awhile." (NEWS FLASH it's totally not since BS was born, it happened way before that, basically since SD started kindergarten and started going to her biodad's on the weekends). He said he doesn't want them to hate coming to our house so let's just "give them a break".
Okay. Deep breath. I know where this is all going to lead...guilty daddy...no rules/consequences...fun for now, but what happens in 1 year, 2 years, 8 years???
So I have come to the conclusion that I will disengage starting now. I am going to try my hardest not to discipline whatsoever unless it is affecting my son or our dog (SS gets really rough with him). We'll try this new thing on for a month or so and see where it leads.
However, I have one question for you folks who've disengaged. What do you do when the skids are doing things that are semi-dangerous? SS3 is at the age where he's hopping from couch to couch -- these are things I typically discipline him for becuase they're dangerous/destructive. So what do I do when I'm the only one home and he's doing something like that? Obviously I can't let him get hurt when I know he will...so where do you draw the line?
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Oooo tough one. I will tell
Oooo tough one. I will tell you what I have done. I'd started calling the Bioparent. "SS is jumping on the sofas and could hurt himself, what would you like to do?"
Puts it back in their court and alleviates you doing it while they are not around. After about 3 days of this, my husband said..."Okay, I get it..."
I wouldn't say anything like "He's ruining my sofas..." I would always stress the danger to the child.
Good luck!
Oh honey - they all say these
Oh honey - they all say these same things. It must be in the guilt parent handbook!
The best way to really make the parent, parent! is to refuse to watch their child. Make him get a babysitter that is not you!!
I was just thinking the same
I was just thinking the same thing. He should stick his kids in daycare if he's choosing to give them a different set of rules then the BS.
I agree, seriously is there a
I agree, seriously is there a flyer that these guys get???
So what do I do when I'm the
So what do I do when I'm the only one home and he's doing something like that?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Make sure you are not the only one at home with HIS son.
I would not care if they
I would not care if they could get hurt. They will learn quick. For me it is a disrespect of my furniture. You damage my things, you will get it. Me - I would pull the little shits off of the furniture and tell them if they can not show respect than they can sit only on the floor...
I just look at SS now and he gets it and sits appropriately...Sorry but, they tried to do the arm sitting on my couches when we were dating and I wouldn't tolerate it. Now they are fine. But, one comment or two about respecting furniture if you didn't pay for it usually worked. But, then again I am a bitch....
I think you might be cutting
I think you might be cutting off your nose to spite your face here... I'm not sure that it is possible to disengage from a 3 and 5 year old. I have disengaged, but my skids are 12 and 13 and pretty much self sufficient. If they do something dangerous or bone headed, that's their own fault, they know better. I can see two scenarios for you here and neither are good....
1. You disengage, skids are jumping on couch, you've told them one bazillion times not to do it so they should know better (not your job, you're disengaged). SS3 falls and breaks his arm. BM and DH flip out... they come at you with the blame game...after all how could you be sitting there not noticing that skids were jumping on the couch and do nothing about it?
2. You disengage, skids continue jumping on the couch and doing other annoying things that 3 and 5 year olds do. Your DH who is too concerned about being Disney Dad doesn't correct them, you don't correct them, (not your job, you're disengaged). It won't take but a minute for skids to start walking all over your DH and their behavior will get worse. You have a little one who will be looking to emulate every thing these kids do before you know it. (Trust me I have a 17 month old who NOTHING gets by!)
IMHO I think you need to continue to discipline these skids but you need DH's support. No it SHOULD NOT be you being the only disciplinarian while DH comes out smelling like roses, he should back you up every time. You should be a united front, not Mean Step Mommy AGAINST Fun Times Daddy. Ugh! This makes me angry for you! Good luck.. I hope you and DH can come to a meeting of the minds.
I TOTALLY agree with you and
I TOTALLY agree with you and 500% know that #2 will happen. Like I said in my post, I'm planning to do it this way for about a month if we can make it that long, and hope that FDH learns a lesson about this all. I know we just need to find a happy medium, but if FDH wants to "give the kids a break" then I'm just going to go ahead and let him see what happens.
#1 scenario is EXACTLY why I asked the question to begin with. Obviously I don't want SS to get injured. That's why I wanted some opinions on how to handle something like that when I'm not supposed to be "disciplining".
Oh I wanted to add that I do
Oh I wanted to add that I do realize that disengaging from a 3 and 6 yo isn't really "possible" especially when I'm the one in charge of them for an hour or so each day until FDH gets home or getting ready in the morning. That's why I titled it with the word "sorta"
Because I realize the limitations of this.
Well accept the crown and all
Well accept the crown and all the allocades of being 'the bad cop'.
Does it really matter if you are the bad cop? I relish being the bad cop because that means I am doing my job properly. My mother was 'the bad cop' and the thought of her finding out ANYTHING I did wrong was mortifying and scared the crap out of me.
So what to do?
I would tell the kids, "Jump on the couch one more time and you will miss out on a treat later. No, I am NOT telling you but it is AWESOME!" Hey it works with my 4 yr old grand-daughter. And the awesome trweat is usually something like a magazine or new colouring book. Anyone jumping on the furniture doesn't get a new colouring book. Now this has an amazing effect on the kids.
When we go and shop at the commissary at the local miliatary base we will take G/daughter along. She knows if she 'makes a fuss' then she misses out on chocolate millk at Starbucks.
The thing is to cultivate diversions and rewards that are cheap but meaningful. And never offer candy as a bribe for them to stop.
I offer to make popcorn for G/Daughter from scratch (no m/wave junk) when she is displaying excellent manners.
She now does anything I ask her because she is a good girl and not because she is BEING a good girl.
DH decided you have no
DH decided you have no authority - no authority = no responsibility in my book. He decided without your input or even informing you to change the rules - someone besides you can enforce the new "no rules" parenting style. He needs to find a daycare.
I disagree that this is not always feasible. What would he do if you were not there to bail him out? Find someone else. Stand firm or expect to be disrespected for th rest of your marriage until you can't take it anymore & divorce him.