DH accuses me of hating SD (27)
SD (27) has lived w/us from day one of our marriage so I have no clue as to what it feels like to have complete privacy in our home. I'll accept my share of the blame for not doing everything right in the beginning. The biggest problem I had was accepting SD because I've always felt she shouldn't be here because she was an adult.
Then and now, she knows it all, is always sullen, has a chip on her shoulder is selfish and down right unfriendly. Throw in the fact that she's stolen from me, bothered my stuff, played mind games, has a sharp tongue and has no consideration for us. She's not someone I would ever choose as a friend because I'm just the opposite . . kind and friendly. I've accepted the fact that she has issues plain and simple and even DH has admitted the same. I speak to her and somtimes I'll make chit chat, but that's about it. She's getting married next year so I'm counting down the days until she starts packing her stuff.
DH and I went to breakfast this morning and he made a comment about SD having a cold and I mentioned that I hope we don't have to remind her to cover her mouth when she coughs this time and he accused me of hating his daughter. I took the defensive and reminded him of all the crummy stuff she's done to me, the fact that in the beginning of our marriage my MIL called BM to encourage her to get closer to SD because she was having such a difficult time with daddy taking a new wife, and it was SD who doesn't like me. I also reminded him that I wasn't going to kiss her !@!@ like he does and coddle her like a 10 year old. I told him hate is a strong word and I don't hate anyone. He apologized.
Why do moronic DHs think you're supposed to be treated like a piece of crap, turn the other cheek, keep going back for more, and allow adults Steps to do anything they feel like in the home without calling them out on it? Why don't they see that these are adults . .not 10 year olds? Why can't he see she's not even supposed to be here in the first place? Needed to vent!
Has anyone else been accused of hating Steps?
OH YES, THE OLD YOU HATE MY
OH YES, THE OLD YOU HATE MY CHILD ROUTINE. SOUNDS FAMILIAR. SOMETIMES IT IS JUST TOO HARD TO FACE THE TRUTH. FOR SOME PARENTS THEY LEARN EARLY TO POINT THE FINGER AT THE NEW SPOUSE AND KEEP THEM ON THE DEFENSIVE. IT SURE BEATS ADMITTING YOU WERE NOT A VERY GOOD PARENT TO BEGIN WITH AND YOUR CHILDREN ARE PROOF OF IT SINCE THEY TURNED OUT LACKING THE SKILLS TO BE INDEPENDANT, HONEST, CONSIDERATE ADULTS.
Amen!!!!
Amen!!!!
Amen x 2!!!!
Amen x 2!!!!
Just wanted to repost
Just wanted to repost something I had posted from a few weeks back on this same forum:
Well, after nine years of marriage, I am again reminded of where I really stand in my marriage and with my DH. SD, 35, was talking with DH on the phone last week and she told him that I act like I hate her. His response to me was "I want a divorce if she doesn't feel welcome here". Wow - once again, exactly what I thought would happen and a confirmation of how I thought he really felt about me and our marriage. I know what I should do, even though it breaks my heart, but need time to get my things in order. It's really hard to accept, but I know I must.
She told DH on the phone that I act like I hate her - because I get quiet when she's around or will sometimes even leave the room. It's no secret there is any love lost between the two of us, but she can't accept that, just has to keep it stirred up with DH. Everytime this happens, DH throws me under the bus and let's me know where I stand. I doubt this will happen again, am seriously working on my exit plan. Don't know how long you've been in this situation, but I hate to tell you, it seldom gets better. You wouldn't believe the things that she's done in the past - he has never once confronted her.
That sure hits the nail on
That sure hits the nail on the head. I have been told by DH that I need to try harder to get along with SD. We have only been married for 3 months and I have done everything possible to try to develop a relationship with her. I am so glad this forum exists since I am at wit's end as to how to make this relationship work.
You should read Wednesday
You should read Wednesday Martin's blog - go to www.wednesdaymartin.com and read her latest entry. It talks about taking care of yourself and the healthy way to go about trying to establish relationships with steps. She has some great insight. Don't expect too much and don't drive yourself crazy trying. Make SURE you start off by demanding your husband support you with your steps - if not, it will be a long, heartbreaking process - believe me - I know. Wish I had know 9 years ago what I know now. If he refuses to stand up for you with them, you are in trouble. Work on this now.
My husband isn't ever going
My husband isn't ever going to accuse me of not likeing his kids. Uh-Uh.....I let him know that about 3 years ago after reality set in how hateful the little sh!%S are and got that set straight with him!!
smiles.......:o)
Shannon I also went through
Shannon I also went through this for years. Unlike you, I allowed it to go on way too long before I let DH know I was not taking anymore of the bull. Good for you that you set your DH straight. Keep doing it every time he pulls the old 'You hate my Daughter' crap and in time he will learn. I can't imagine living full time with SD36. One of us would be dead by now. I admire your patience. Good luck to you.
I'm not going to pretend to
I'm not going to pretend to like someone who's treated me like crap. StepAside, I'm going to ask him just that . . . WTF is it about her that I should like? I can't wait to see the foolish look on his face.
At one point this little witch was so rude she wouldn't even speak . . after I would speak first. When SD's fiance proposed, DH asked him if he was sure he wanted to marry her and started rattling off all the things that would make most people run . .lazy, rude, sassy, unfriendly, etc. I told DH, he warned him but didn't warn me.
Mustang1, SD's relatives do the same thing. They treat her like she's the pope and kiss her behind because she has an advanced degree, is the oldest grandchild, and is an only child. They would be mortified to find out how nasty she really is. I'm not in the ass kissing business.
Echo, I asked DH to give her a move out date after she finished school, but he refused because "he didn't want to hurt her feelings." Shortly there after, her BF proposed. I want to hug the kid everytime I see him. I also threw all of her actions back in his face and he was speechless.
Bottom line, I've accepted the fact that I'm married to a spineless jelly back DH but I'm keeping my foot in his behind and saving my money because I feel SD will try to come back home if her marriage doesn't work out and DH is dumb enough to allow it. I've already warned him that I will move out if she tries it. But we all know actions speak louder than words.
Thanks everyone for your comments they are much appreciated.
Oh yes, I can safely say that
Oh yes, I can safely say that after TEN long years of being married to my DH and raising his son like my own- I dislike him so much! He has made every effort to undermine me no matter WHAT I say... He lies about everything, has the personal hygiene of a swamp rat, steals food and money, doesn't work, is in fact AWOL from the army, and he FULLY expects me to wait on him hand and foot. When my DH comes home from working 10-12 hour days, I bring him a beer and dinner. My worthless SS does nothing but sit around eating and playing video games all day, trashing the house, and telling me that I am conspiring to make his life miserable by making him clean up after himself!!! THEN when I do not bring him dinner and something to dring (WHICH I REFUSE TO EVER DO) he screams and throws himself down on the couch complaining to Dad that I hate him and I wanted him gone. If his Dear Dad actually SEES what goes on and calls him on it- then it becomes MY fault that daddy got on to him or punishes him for being a worthless douchebag....sorry for the graphic names.
So if my husband ever attempts to tell me I hate his son, I calmly remind him that YES I do- and then I tell him I am going to move my little sister in with us. She hates my husband ALMOST as much as I hate my SS- and we will see if he can manage to hold out and be strong for TEN MORE YEARS!!
To be totally frank with you, Shannon, if I weren't married to his father, I would not talk to, socialize with, work with, or live in the same state as this kid- yet because I love his Dad, I get the privelege of living in the same house. This entails him mooching my money, lying, stealing, trashing everything, picking fights with my youngest children (who are special needs), basically being an entitled A$$- not to mention following me around, stealing my porn (yes I am a redblooded american and I have porn- just can't explain why his son wants to see naked men)shoes and undies, breaking into my safe and my computer----
The list goes on. Keep your head up and for goodness sake, don't tell DH that everything is FINE when it isn't, then you will be in the same boat as me in 10 years- I just thought this was something I had to deal with and now DH can't figure out why I am miserable and I "just started hating his son for no good reason two years ago". UGH
It is mind boogling the
It is mind boogling the ridiculous stories that these stepadults feed their daddys - especially so since these mindless Daddys believe this crap!
The same thing is now taking place with my SD 35. She is telling H that she wants and needs to see him more and that she never refused to talk to him for the past 3 years - it was all made up in his mind. She also told me that I kept her daddy from calling her!!!!!! I had her Daddy get on the phone with her that very momment and he told SD 35 that I NEVER had tried to stop him form calling her. Did not change her opinion and I did not recieve an apology for her false allegation.
It has been my observation that the longer our stepadults work on Daddy it will only be a matter of time before he will believe their crap because it will make him feel better to believe it.
I too expect that I will get the " you just don't like them garbage thrown back at me" some time soon.
My reply would be - "you're right I don't and I don't plan to change anything in my or my childrens' lives to accomodate people that have informed me to my face that they do not like me for something as ridiculous as "they had to tell me goodbye after their EOWE visits as a child".
Poppy, I love your comment
Poppy, I love your comment about porn. Have you checked out Gigilos on Showtime? Oh oh, that's another story entirely. With SD here our sex life is in the toilet. DH doesn't feel comfortable doing it w/her in the house. I told him the other night I should have kept my condo, at least we had fun back then. Am I the only one who had a better sex life BEFORE marriage?
It's enough to deal with and live with DH. SD refuses to comply w/what we ask her to do because she doesn't want to keep peace in the household. The stupid B doesn't realize that she'll get the karma back in some shape or form in her own marriage.
DH is finally starting to see just how evil, manipulative and spiteful she really is. She took most of her traits from BM. I also think she's angry that daddy got married and instead of continuing to accommodate and spoil her, his job is to now accommodate and spoil me and she can't stand to watch it. I think she's stupid enough to think she's still supposed to come first - another reason why she needs to move out sooner rather than later.
DH's pretend to be clueless. The fact is they turn their head to bad behavior and expect us to do the same. Not happening.
Mustang, I can always count
Mustang, I can always count on you for a laugh. I was wondering where his testicles went . . . . because he sure doesn't have any. I think SD has them under her bed!
The worst part about her
The worst part about her still living with you guys is that she hasn't learned how to be independant. Because of that, she has not learned how to budget her money and is probably entitled. So that means her marriage probably won't work out and guess where she'll be living again....back with you. You should make it PERFECTLY clear that she is not moving back in with you guys unless there is an emergency.
I agree. I still have to get
I agree. I still have to get on DH for doing stuff for her that she's capable of doing for herself. When I moved in, DH asked me to go in her room and retrieve any towels on her bed so we could wash them. I told him he was losing his mind. It's a wonder the girl can open a door.
And she is indeed entitled. She's supposed to be saving, but she goes shopping every week . . and creditors are calling. She has at least 100 pair of shoes. I think DH wants her to continue to depend on him and has enabled her to the point that he's crippled her. She thinks and acts like a 16 year old based on her petty acts.
Her marriage is going to be a challenge because she's going to expect her DH to enable her and do everything for her . . like daddy did, and we know that's not going to happen. Marriage is a partnership. I've already warned DH that when . . and I don't think it's going to be if . . she tries to move back . . I'm out. She's not easy to live with, and I don't think her fiance has a clue as to what he's really in for.
I'm praying her fiance is
I'm praying her fiance is just like her because if not, he's not going to deal with her.
SD recently visited a friend who had a condo and fell in love. She then proceeded to look at condos but forgot one small thing. She didn't ask her fiance if he wanted to buy a condo. I told her to slow down and wait until after they got married and recommended that they save for a few years first. Now this is someone with an advanced degree.
I could see it now, they would buy a place, she'd lose her job, the fiance wouldn't be able to handle the mortgage, car notes, student loans, etc. The marriage would fall apart, and SD would end up back home looking pathetic and DH would welcome her with open arms. Nope. Not happening. I'm doing everything in my power to keep her/them from living under our roof.