Am I being petty?
Hi all...long-time reader, first-time poster. It's been such a comfort to find a community of people dealing with the same issues that I am. In the outside world, we're all told we don't count and we should keep quiet. At least here, we can be heard!
I'm pregnant with my first child--very excited about becoming a mom, but also worried about my financial future with DH. He pays an exorbitant amount of CS (IMO) 1300 a month for one child and we don't make a lot of money!
But apart from that, I'm starting to resent some of the financial decisions he makes when it comes to my SS6. Money is tight--and it probably will be for the next 15 years thanks to CS--so I've been the only one buying things for the new baby.
Furniture, doctor's appt. bills, clothes, gadgets, etc.-- I'm the one footing the entire bill. I feel guilty even asking DH to pitch in because things are so tight.
But that's why I'm so angry about a phone conversation I heard last night. While on the phone with SS6, DH said "We're taking you to Disney this summer!"
First of all, I can't even GO on this trip as it's too close to my due date...but apart from that, I'm upset that DH hasn't offered any help with baby stuff and here he is promising SS6 an expensive trip!
Just wondering how many of you are going through something similar. I'm frustrated and can't even bring up the CS/money issue with DH because he gets immediately defensive.
Thoughts?
- anapr's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
He must make pretty good
He must make pretty good money to pay that much CS...?
Dont feel guilty. It is his baby right?
Willow--you would think he
Willow--you would think he made a lot more than he does. Hubby pulls in around 75-80k and 400 dollars of his CS every month is for "Child Care." That charge should have ended when SS entered school, but guess who doesn't have enough money to go back to court and modify?
We're stuck with that charge until BM decides to take us back to court--because DH claims there's no money to fight it.
DEBT mortgage. but mostly
DEBT
mortgage. but mostly debt.
Put the pregnancy hormones to
Put the pregnancy hormones to use and put your foot down!! Why isn't your DH helping pay for things for ya'lls baby? I understand separate checking accounts and all that, but this is something you made...together! Sure, things are tight. A lot of us have dealt with tight finances. A trip to Disney should not be on the table until things are financially better. If he can afford a NON ESSENTIAL trip to Disney...he can afford to help pay for ESSENTIAL things for the new baby!! Sure he gets defensive...he doesn't want to hear that he's making bad choices. Tough. If you let him start acting one way...he'll continue to act that way.
IMHO.....
thanks! your opinion is
thanks! your opinion is definitely what I'm looking for. It just seems that now that I am pregnant (and yes, the baby is his in response to other poster) I've become more worried and more pessimistic about what's going to be "left over" for our baby once everything else is paid out.
I know lots of your are moms out there, too--how do you deal with your children ending us as "second-class" citizens because another child came before them?
What the heck? Why is he
What the heck? Why is he going to disney so close to your due date? Is he going to miss the birth? That is a time that he needs to be there for you and supporting you. And yes, I would tell him that he needs to help support this child as well-and he needs to step up to the plate asap or you will just file for cs once the baby is born and get your own 1300.00 a month.
It's close enough to my due
It's close enough to my due date to keep me out of the trip (I'd probably be miserable and hot, anyway) but far enough away that the trip probably won't interfere with labor plans. We only live a few hours from Disney--but there are hotel, ticket, entertainment, food costs all involved. My SS6 is a good kid and if we had more money, I wouldn't bat a lash at something like this...but I'm going to resent feeling like all of DH's money is for "his son" and all of my money is for "my son."
Blending families is tough...and even though we've been married for a while, it feels TOUGHER now...that I'm having a baby.
I agree with the others.
I agree with the others. First, there is no way DH would be going away anywhere near my due date....unless its a funeral for an immediate relative.
Secondly, since he obviously feels an obligation to help support his first child, can you just explain that you need assistance with this child and ask for a certain amount of $ to buy the things you need? Do you guys keep all separate finances?
Yes, we keep separate
Yes, we keep separate finances, mainly because when we married he had a lot of debt and I had none. I have a feeling that if I bring this up to DH, he'll probably be mad at first--but then he'll try to step up to the plate. He's thanked me before for contributing as much as I do, so I know he realizes this isn't an ideal situation.
I'm taking your words to
I'm taking your words to heart because that's not how I want things to be. Generally speaking yes, our finances are so separated that I don't pay for his cell, gas, extras, etc.
But I worry about the "guilty daddy" syndrome and I see it already happening with SS6. SS6 asks...and he recieves, and I know we can't keep that up with a new baby on the way.
I plan to teach my son not to be materialistic (and i'm NOT saying that's how SS6 is, but you know how kids are--they have no concept of what it costs to give them everything they want) but it's going to be tough because SS6 is going to get so much from his BM and DH that it's going to seem grossly unfair down the road.
I'm afraid you have a big
I'm afraid you have a big problem here and you need to lay down the law now or it will only get worse. A new baby is a HUGE financial responsibility. You dind't make that baby on your own and he needs to step up and realize that it's his responsibility to provide for this child as well. I know you said he gets defensive when you bring up money, but as a couple he needs to get it through his head that you BOTH need to make the financial decisions. Sit down with him one night and go through your budget. Make a list of all the bills/monthly expenses you have including the child support, and then put both your incomes together and see what's left over. This might make him realize he really can't keep spending as carelessly as he has been. Also let him know that you would appreciate it if big expenses and trips could be discussed with you prior to promising his son anything. With regards to my family, my fiance and I have a joint account that our paychecks are deposited into. I take care of all the bills and give my fiance cash to spend out of what is left over. As a result he doesn't over-spend because he sees just how much money he can spend and plans accordingly. We both believe that as a couple, our money should be pooled, the reponsibilities handled, bills paid, then the leftovers are split evenly between he and I. Maybe something like that could work for you. As for the fact that he is planning a trip around your due date... I would be furious! I can't even believe he has the nerve to do something so disrespectful. Really, that's what this all boils down to: he doesn't respect you. I wish you a lot of luck with this because if you don't have a partner who respects you, your kids won't either.
I agree that we need to sit
I agree that we need to sit down and look at budgets--something we've always talked big about, but never seem to actually DO. DH really is a good man--he's loving, supportive, etc...so I don't think him planning the trip was "disrespectful"..but I think it was impulsive to promise something like that to SS6.
The reason the trip is so close to my due date is because SS6 can only visit with us in a certain "window" in the summer. I'm sure DH is thinking on the front end is better so he can be home when this baby comes...but I still agree, he should never have planned the trip. This isn't the first trip we've taken SS6 on, so if he had to skip a summer "trip" then it shouldn't have been a big deal!
Once you have a baby the CS
Once you have a baby the CS can be modified as he now has to support another child. I'd look into that. And you'd better put your foot down or else it's just going to get WAY worse as time passes and the SS6 demands start getting pricier. Ipods, laptops, Xboxs, cellphones etc...As they get older so do the hefty priced tagged "wants."
If he can afford Disney he
If he can afford Disney he can afford to modify his CO and use the money to further redce the debt. That is where our CS payment is going come December. Get debt free as quickly as you can and sock the rest away.
I agree...we NEED to mofidy
I agree...we NEED to mofidy CS and I'm going to push this issue until we go and get it done. Yes, it will cost money upfront, but we're fronting a LOT of money every month that we could use for so many other expenses.
I guess my thoughts on this
I guess my thoughts on this are that you need to sit down and talk to your DH very soon and discuss what the costs will be for the new baby and that it should NOT be him paying for SS and YOU paying for your bio. You are married, this will be his child too, as someone stated above, he can either help with baby expenses or you can leave and he can pay you 1300 per month.
I also worry that your DH may just get WORSE when the new baby arrives. If he is already acting the way he is towards SS, will he actually get worse when your Bio arrives because he will feel like he must treat SS extra special so he doesn't feel overshadowed by your bio? Definately not good...
Ugh...I have to admit, I've
Ugh...I have to admit, I've also worried about the "daddy guilt" getting worse when DS arrives. We're going to have to have a serious talk to clear the air and come to an agreement before this goes on any further.
It's better that we just get it out of the way so we know where we stand!
No, our pregnancy was not
No, our pregnancy was not planned...a surprise, even if it's a good surprise. I think we both like to bury our heads in the sand before having the tough or uncomfortable conversations that we SHOULD be having about money.
And you're right, I could see us continuing to ignore the financial issues between us becoming a BIG problem as we move further down the road. I don't want to resent him and I don't want him to be defensive.
It's time for me to have a big-girl conversation. Wish me luck.
Why does your DH not feel
Why does your DH not feel financially responsible for your child together? Is your child not as important as his first?
I would nip this in the bud quickly or he'd be worried about two child support bills and I would damn sure be threatening it if he's not helping with anything.
BTW, I know more then one couple who are still together but he pays child support to her.