Compartmentalising GF and kids
I have been going out with my partner for 2 years and he has 2 kids (10 and 12). He used to always see them Sat from 3pm til Sun lunch, and usually saw them on his own. He felt it was the only time he saw them, and that he saw me at any other time. However I said that i wasn;t prepared to be excluded completely so we did a few trips and a weekend, where basically the girl (12) just ignored me and had tantrums and played up the whole time. However, now she at least says hello (although he often has to tell her to)> I understand where this is coming from and can dealt with it.
We changed the arrangement to him having them one weekend a month and her one weekend, and the other weekends he had them on a Sat nite. I felt this would be better as he cold see them for a prolonged period, and i could also have some time with him at the weekend.
He has since asked me to move in. However last weekend he returned from a business trip Sat lunchtime, i picked him from the airport and took him to the supermarket etc to get food for the kids, however when it came to 3pm when he picks them up he was like 'bye then'. I was so hurt to be 'sent home' and was in tears most of the evening. It was a horrible lonely feelingof being excluded. I had previously asked him to einclude me even for an hour on the Saturdays, but he didn't. He still seems to be compartmentalising us, and it is hurtful for me, and I have no idea how I can move in, going from very little contact to being there all the time when they are there.
Anyone any thoughts? I am still angry at him for 'sending me home' Sat but i need to see the biger picture. Help!
Yeah, that's not cool. My exh
Yeah, that's not cool. My exh was this way w/his ex-gf. Of course he never ONCE said to the kids that she was his gf..just a friend and roomate-and it was HER house!
BUT -I saw both sides here. YES my ex should have given her the respect to call her his gfriend and include her more-I think the kids would have felt more compelled to show more affection and warmth-he didn't...so if he treated her at arm length w/them around so will they.
2nd-she didn't have kids and would complain about mundane things like not wanting the videogames in the living room even for an hr...she would walk by and bitch about it everytime they played together. They spent time together doing things-but he would normally want one of the days to spend a few hrs w/them alone. She hated that and resented him. YET-she lived w/him 27 days out of them month, and two weekends. My kids got a Sat 1pm till Sunday6pm EOW w/their dad-I can't fault him for wanting some alone time w/them also. In that case she was a little extreme and jealous _BUT he didn't respect her as he should have so they were both to blame for the demise-in retrospect my ex never intended to stay w/this woman, he truly was just using her which was sad. She was a nice person-but for someone w/out kids was what I thought.
In your case-YES I think he's compartemalizing way too much-I would watch the signs-sometimes when guys do this it means he's not thinking future relationship...especially if it continues to happen and you continue to be excluded-he may see you as a temporary gfriend. So...honestly? I wouldn't move in-I think he will continue excluding you even if you're living there-and think of this-your in HIS home...way to feel unwelcome kwim?
I mean I understand if he wanted a half day w/the kids or had a special outing w/just them-but to exclude you almost entirely? Hmmmm...somethigns not right-I don't think he's thinking long term future w/you honestly...you'd be temporary help w/bills and chores if you moved in however. It is disrespectful.
Answer me this please-how long has he been divorced?
I have been reading the book
I have been reading the book Stepmonster and it talks about this particular situation. I would highly suggest this book for you if you decide to move in.
I have been living with my BF for 2 years and I am now moving out. I have to say, if I had had this book in the first place, it might have saved some heartache. I am not saying it would have saved me from moving out, but I would have understood the situation more.
In a nutshell, the book states that this is normal. The father and kids have their "inner circle" and that it is hurtful that we, as stepmothers, are excluded. That we can even be in the room with them and be excluded.
I would agree though, it might not be a good idea to move in if you are already having these issues.
Compartmentalizing is a man
Compartmentalizing is a man thing. We keep things separate in our minds. It makes it easier to deal with everything.
There is a Video by Mark Gunger that explains this pretty well and it is quite funny. Not to make light of your situation but you may feel a bit better after viewing this clip.
http://www.snotr.com/video/1180
As for moving in. If you are not absolutely comfortable and confident in the relationship, don't move in. Things rarely get better in a relationship once co-habitation starts.
Good luck and best regards,
Don't move in! So many people
Don't move in! So many people on this site would tell you not to. I love my SO but I have my house he has his. When the kids come to visit he takes them back to his house to sleep. We stay together at my house otherwise.
We may get together during he day and evening when he has the kids and we do fun stuff together, but at night they go back to his house. This cuts out so many issues. I do not, cook, clean, nothing....for them. They are his children and his responsibility not mine. We have a great time together but at the end of the day. They are not mine.
You might be glad in the long run he keeps things somewhat separate. But guess what if you are a part of his life then the kids need to spend time with you as well.
Have a honest talk with him, and until he can balance both worlds don't move it. You will only resent him and the kids in the long run. You are part of him now, they are a part of him, guess what those are not separate worlds. It is one world.
I can absolutely see the
I can absolutely see the wisdom in your arrangement! I believe that is how we are going to be arranging things. We still care about each other deeply, but cannot live together, at least not while we have kids under our roofs respectively. Keeping it separate will alleviate so much stress. We can all still do stuff together, but still have our own space.
As we both have our kids almost full time, it will cut on sleepovers, but I am betting it will still happen
In this day and age, I think this is a viable option to people with kids. I at one time figured that us having separate bedrooms was not a good idea, but having separate houses, sounds great! This way, also, if his kids come to my house... it is MY rules. And, they go home at the end of the day. Or else, if they do stay, it is not every night.
Ah, this gives me some hope!!!
The OP might want to consider keeping her own space. It might come in handy in the long run.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your responses, i really appreciate them. I have been feeling so lonely since Saturday and I need some objective viewpoints, i only tell one friend as i am embarassed to tell others- they would respect him so much less.
Even if he had asked what I was doing and suggested that I come around if i wanted would hvae been good. When i brought it up he got all 'well they are my KIDS' and I am not going to abandon them which isn;t what I want, but also that he assumed i was OK with him being alone with them on Sat. It just came to a head because I hadnt seen him for 2 weeks before.
I am seriously considering whether to continue this relationship, I think i may be miserable when i move in and feel even more lonely. It is like he wants his cake and eat it, on his terms.
I am not sure about living in separate houses, i kinna feel like i have committed to a life of second best, i would like to live with a partner really, not feel i always have to have my own house.
It is also scary that he doesnt; really 'get' why i was upset. It is a bt of 'I'm alrite Jack' - he will cal me when he is free of the kids and I include him in everything i do (I do not have kids but have any friends and a good social life).
I have to wake up and smell the coffee and decide if I want this. Thanks again for your opinions and any more are v welcome.
Oh, he is divorced 4 years, had another girlfriend who was long distance before but he wouldn;t move to live with her.
Thanks again! sorry if i have been a bit rambly
Yeah perhaps that is it, I am
Yeah perhaps that is it, I am not coming first. He is very loving and attentive when he is with me but he can't get my desire to be more included with the kids, or at least my hurt when i feel excluded. I do start to wonder what is in it for me - compartmentalising is possible when we live apart but will be a disaster if i live there. It is so weird that i do feel excluded even when i am there - she sits on his knee the whole time and seeks his attention, i just watch whatever is on TV or read a book. I am quite sensitive and she when she leaves the room if i am there does hurt. How does anyone put up with this! It is sad though if i leave him he will just have his kids and this will happen again and again unless he realises what he is doing, but hey that isn;t my problem i suppose.
I agree with you, the 2 house
I agree with you, the 2 house thing is not for you most likely. I can attest though, this thing about her sitting on his lap and you feeling excluded while even in the room is common.
If he is serious about your relationship, maybe he will see a counselor with you. Maybe a counselor can explain to him how this is bad for any relationship he has with you or any woman. Not only that, it is damaging for his daughter. These dads do not realize it. I have been talking to our counselor about it for years. She agrees with me. My BF has changed some habits over the years, but SD11 is still in girlfriend status with him. I try to explain it, and it goes no where.
And hey, yes, if you decide to break off the relationship, it is no longer your problem... and I understand how hard that is to let go of.
The 12yr old sits on his knee
The 12yr old sits on his knee the whole time and he ignores you?? So basically the girl took on the "gfriend" status and doesn't want YOU to share HER dad...that's whats happening-quite common w/girls and divorced dads from the look of things...but he isn't working on boundaries and putting you first as the WOMAN and lover in his life and having the CHILDREN behave like children and not a spouse/girlfriend, etc. I would seriously reconsider this relationship-two years and it's still happening? He's not ready-you will be heartbroken.
Just found this in my
Just found this in my bookmarks... it might help understand...
http://www.steptalk.org/node/38961
and this one
http://www.steptalk.org/node/38960
Move on! He is emotionally
Move on!
He is emotionally unavailable. He wants someone there for him, but is not going to "commit" even if you did live with him. This is something you cannot "fix" & it will hurt you endlessly to wait for it to happen. You deserve someone who will include you in all of their life and after 2 yrs honey .... i think it's time you let this one go & in all honesty --- find a man w/o children & ex.
Goodness this is tough to
Goodness this is tough to take but ultimately right. I did think it was odd for a 12 year old to be like that, sitting in knee, even wanting to be carried to bed (she is v tall!). It feels exactly like she is his girlfriend, she also always wants to sleep in the bed with him. The 8 year old boy seems much more independant.
I feel a bit of an idiot to stay this long, i was burying my head in the sand, but we have/had a very good relationship the two of us. I will think it through, either we will go to counselling or I will bite the bullet and leave.
Thank you all so much for your objective viewpoints, this is a great site.