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I need help!!! The ex wife is unstable and said she thought of me as daycare...WTF HELP I am new here and need you all.....

JaneySW's picture

Submitted by JaneySW on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 1:18pm

I am engaged to a divorced man with a six year old. I have found my Soul Mate and The three of us are excited to start our life together. In my version of a perfect world, I would love to have a relationship with the mother of his child. I have been given a reality check and we are dealing with an unstable, unhappy woman who thinks of me as her childs daycare provider. I have reached out to her and can see the conflict from a womans eyes. I have taken a step back because I realize I am not dealing with a rational person...I am here to get any advice,tips and the do's and don'ts of entering this type of relationship that is so foreign to me. I do not have any children but was in a large family/extended family so I feel I have a good start to child care but being a step parent is scary to me. I feel like I am going out of my way to fit in to an already made family and I am in unknown territory. I am having a tough time with her. I wan't to make this work but I am fearful I am the only one fighting too hard to be perfect, understanding, being the better person ALL the time and getting put down all the time...

Comments

somerg's picture

Submitted by somerg on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 1:27pm

the best things i can tell you is learn now, that you may never be accepted by bm or the skids, or it may be a constant roller coaster with both, i'm sure i'm a bm that's next to impossible to deal with, but i feel like my territory with my dd is constantly over stepped and yes i feel threatened by it.

above all, try to be the skids friend before anything else let your SO dicipline them and be the rewarder, this will help later.

as a bm, my biggest pet peeve with the smom that i deal with is constant over stepping boundaries that I FEEL the smom does.

as a smom, i will talk to my dh about what i want, but when push comes to shove and he's talkign to bm over the phone or when we go pick the skids out i zip my mouth, i'll OCCASIONALLY pick them up without him there, when she asks me a question i will only answer with "i'll have dh call you" and that's it...i do this because misscommunication with my ex and his wife happened becasue of this, so i refuse to make plans through her.

don't be offended if you hear "your not my mom!" or "i hate you"

i will probably come eventually

good luck!

Zoie's picture

Submitted by Zoie on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 2:02pm

I did the same thing you did. I was a single woman with no kids..I met the love of my life and at the time his daughter had just turned 6. The BM as I found out real quick is just nuts and is a terrible, vendictive person with no problem lying, calling the police, fighting with boyfriends in front of her daughter..I mean the number of men that have been in and out of that house in the past 3.5yrs is unreal. So that said take a step back and have a relationship with the child but stay clear of BM and let your fiancee deal with her.

I found out the hard way with my SD9 (almost 10) that she is her mothers daughter and well I am not her mother and to be honest at this point unless things drastically change I dont even want to be her SM..

Sorry if I put a damper on things as that was not my intent..but dont get involved with BM and just dont even talk to her, or really have anything to do with her...that's your fiancee's job...

ddakan's picture

Submitted by ddakan on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 4:23pm

Being bffs with the BM is a pipe dream. If you are going to try to have a relationship with her, put your head on a swivel. Anything you do is going to turn it upside down.

Let DH deal with her and stay out of it. That has been the best thing for me. Our BM is petty, psychotic (actually on anti psychotic meds) and out of touch with common sense.

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

Submitted by Butterflykisses... on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 4:24pm

Yikes. "Yes" to all 11 questions. I need new running shoes obviously. Wink

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

Submitted by Butterflykisses... on Fri, 01/14/2011 - 8:57am

Sucks enough for me to keep going with my "plan", for sure... Wink

I told DH that I had "done my time" with my own already for 20 years and never had the chance to do what others did at the ages of 18-35...I really need to just be alone and live some, for "me." Sorry, but it is the truth. I'm in no mood to be a "mom" anymore.

JaneySW's picture

Submitted by JaneySW on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 9:18pm

Thanks so much for posting. I am thankful for this site. I did reach out to the bm and told her I respect her as his mother, I will never try and take he"r place and I am learning. I felt we were at a good place and not friends or anything but it was a start. She later freak out and I took a step back... Even though I stopped the communication....If ss missed her or wanted to talk I made sure he called. After some time we started communicating a bit about ss. She started texting me the problems she had with me and wanted to meet with me. I turned to bd and family and was deciding if I should.. Then she over stepped and I told bd to talk and take care of it. I am taking myself out of this with her because if I spoke my mind, there would be problems..
Then she told him today she thought of me as a day care provider. I flipped. Not on her but vented to bd. In my mind I was thinking of responding...Why am I teaching and working with YOUR son (in her txts she made it a point of saying"MY SON, MY CHILD)how to do his numbers, letters, reading, manners, picking up after himself? Why don't you do it? It is not my job. Why am I feeling the load of making sure he learns all of this? I feel bad not doing it because he is behind and I know she isnt doing it....

When she tells me to stop playing house and to get my own family- I want to say....You gave up on your family, cheated on your husband and give your child anything he wants. Your only happiness is through your kid and your gonna mess him up.. I am sick of ss saying I am not supose to love you but I do..

Ok, I am venting...phew...There is so much more but I have posted enough. haha