Consider this: He ALSO knew what he was getting into when he married someone who wasn't the mother of his child(ren)

DH has said that before, "You knew this before we got married" number 1, no, actually I didn't know it, I was 19, with a baby, and had never been in a relationship before, how the hell was I supposed to know.

In theory, yes, in practice absolutely not. And by the way, (I tell him) you knew you were marrying someone who wasn't the mother of your child.

Oh and by the way, "Show me the legal document that shows I married your children. I married YOU, not your child, yes I knew I was going to have to deal with her, but I got married to be your WIFE first and foremost, not to be someone's stepmother"

Oh how I hate that phrase! And yes, I knew he had kids but I sure as hell didn't know they were demon spawn. My DH & his family tried to pass the girls off as sweet, decent, human beings that never caused problems - I found out too late that these hell's angels were the biggest troublemakers on the face of the planet! There for a while I questioned if it was ME who was the problem - imagine my shock & surprise when all the dirty, ugly little secrets popped out after we were married. Turns out both lil darlings had been "problem" children way before I ever met DH. Maybe that's why he rarely dated or had any relationships before I came along. Like P.T. Barnum once said, there's a sucker born every minute.

DH said that to me a time or two over the past 10+ years and my standard answer is "Yes, I knew that, just like you knew I could be a real b!tch!"

I friggin HATE that phrase and my DH has said it in referral to my lividity about BM dramatic stupid ass bullshit... Yeah, just because I knew that he had not one but TWO BM pyscho's when I married him does NOT mean that I have to like it, does NOT mean that I have to stand by and take the crap they like to dole out without having a say or without giving it back, does NOT mean that I have to bite my tongue and deal with it!

It's such a ridiculous statment I swear if he or anyone else for that matter ever said that to my face again I would probably throttle them and would be happy to sit my ass in jail just to prove the point!

Here is what I didn't know:

I didn't know that DH would guilt parent SD
I didn't know that BM would alientate SD from DH and me
I didn't know that because of the above SD would become selfish and manipulative and never mature.
I didn't know that DH would still be enabling SD at 28 years old
I didn't know that SD would try to alienate DH from me by lies and manipulation.
I didn't know that I would never be #1 in DH's life because he has to "take care" of SD for the rest of her life.

How dumb am I?????

See, this is where my situation differs. I did know what I was getting into... or had some idea at least. I knew hubby wanted me to take care of his kids the way I took care of my own. And I didn't have a problem with it. As a matter of fact, I remember before we got married, my dad said, "You want someone to take care of you, and he wants someone to take care of his kids..." and he was completely right. I didn't want to have to work until my kids were in school (that of course was NOT why I married dh, but it was why I didn't mind acting as "mom" to sk's). DH had no problem being the only one working. So I went in with my eyes wide open as far as that was concerned. And while we were dating I got along great with his kids. They adored me... or seemed to. They weren't upset when we got married or anything.

The problems didn't start until we'd been together a month or so. I was used to having my alone time at night when my kids would go to sleep (at normal "kid's go to bed hours"). Well, he was allowing his kids to stay up however late they wanted to which would usually end up being midnight or 1am... they were 8 and 11!! They would sit up and laugh and horse around and fight and basically just drive me out of my flipping mind! SO... I decided to talk to dh about setting bedtimes for them. When I mentioned that I was having problems because I was used to having some alone time to myself each night to unwind after dealing with children all day long and would it be possible for us to have the kids go to bed he got pissed off, looked me straight in the face and said, "I am NOT going to alienate MY kids just because you and your kids moved in!" Well, if I would have had a brain in my 26 year old head, I would have ran for the damn hills because for the last 11 years all I have ever heard is how I have made his kid's lives miserable... how all I ever did was get them in trouble... blah blah blah... boo freakin' hoo.

So even when you do know what you are getting yourself into, you STILL don't know what you are getting yourself into!! As naturalmom said, we can't predict the future. I could have handled the everyday kid problems with my sk's. I deal with those with my own kids and I EXPECT them. However, I did not sign up for all of the disrespect and attitude after my sk's became adults despite all of the things I did for them. I have already told myself, I will NEVER play mommy to anyone else's kids ever again... if they want someone to take care of their kids, HIRE A DAYCARE cuz I ain't doing it!!

When i hear "you knew he had kids" my comment is "well he knew I didn't"

Until you are up close and personal with the situation you have no clue about guilt parenting , or how BM feel she has a continual right to control, or how kids are not taught appropriate behavior .....etc. None of this you really know until you are knee deep in it.

I think this question is idiotic because when divorced people get married you like to think they know what they are getting into right?? well some times until you live with and marry a guy or gal you dont realize certain dynamics...so this same question could easily apply to those that are divorced too.

Whateva

UGH! Whoever came up with that line needs a swift kick in the ass! I've had that line pulled on me before and it's b.s. If you haven't been in a blended family situation before, you have noooooooo idea how difficult it can be until you are living it. Hell, I went in to the situation thinking that I was an adult, DH was an adult, BM was an adult, so the situation would be do-able because everyone was an adult and could be mature about the situation. YEAH RIGHT, so wrong....you can't dream up half the crazy, rediculous, wtf mooments you will experience in a blended family situation. Then you are in love with this man, but hate the skid situation, so what do you do? It's not so easy as a simple "just walk away" when you have years invested into a relationship. I think atleast in my situation that yes I knew that DH had a kid by his ex gf, BUT I chose to block out as much as the b.s. as possible. As that adds up over time, it's hard to not have it spill over.

I hate this saying! Yes, I knew that DH had 2 sons that he had about 30% of the time.

Here is what I didn't know:
- That he would bow to every wish from BM
- That him and BM were BFFs
- That he would let the stepkids become spoiled, entitled brats
- That the stepkids would not have any rules or chores in our house

You know a part of me wonders if your dh's went for women that didn't know better...because they wouldn't have said yes to marrying them otherwise. It's understandable that if you haven't been married before or divorced you would be more naive to the circumstances of blended families-or if you haven't been in one. I have never been in a blended family-but after my divorce I did a LOT of homework because i knew that was possible years down the road.

The way it sounds from some of the dh's here-their situations changed w/out them making their SO (you) aware that it could change-like you were to assume it could. AND in reality-for someone who has been divorced/had kids-you DO know it can change in an instant and that man with kids means man with kids-regardless of the current custody arrangement/visitation.
To me a man w/kids means even if he sees them once a month that I could become full time parent. And I would want to observe and be around many interactions and days/nights together to watch them parent.

SO i don't think it's so much fault of your own for now knowing these things-but of your dh's using "trickery" or downplaying the importance/time a skid or ex can take in your life. I also wonder how long you dated? how many interactions did you see w/your dh and his kids or his drama w/his ex before marriage?

I've been taking my time watching my bf and his interactions w/his ex...she is neglectful of the girl and also controlling with him. Or tries to be. I know she has custody for $ -I know if she was ok w/out it she would send the girl to live w/him in a heartbeat-I know if we marry it's VERY likely the girl will want to live with us.

I know very well that he WANTS (not expects) me to be a good role motherly figure to his daughter. Well-here I am the not yet SM even and I was the one that went w/him to her school lunch-the mom hasn't ever been to one.????
My exh hasn't been to lunch w/my boys ever either at school-yet my bf went to doughnuts w/dad with them.

I want (not expect) him to have a active role in my boys lives-and he does. He's picked them up while i'm running late-he cooks for us, he tends to them at the table or fixing things, he talks w/them-he's there almost daily and every evening amidst the chaos of bedtime, homework, me yelling trying to get everyone down for the night lol. I don't expect him to stay around-he knows what he's in for-i've reminded him numerous times that their dad is a deadbeat. He's seen it-I've seen it from his ex-wife. He feels how much the kids want a dad aroudn and look to him for guidance and fatherly affection and time.

We are both FULLY aware that taking on this relationship means taking on the whole LOT of us. We also know that our time alone as a couple we have a lot less stress and complications and it would be so much easier sure. But that's not our reality-and we slowly but steadily kept making choices and commitments towards becoming a family unit.

I'm well aware his ex can pick up her tactics and what she does will likely interfere in our lives at times. I know it's possible the girl will want to live w/us. He knows he's likely going to be taking on a big fatherly role with my sons. No naivete there. Hence we're walking towards this slow-watching, soaking in, deciding whether we can move forward...

BUT-we both have exe's-we both have kids so there's a mutual understanding that a blended family is NOT a picnic. It's not just marrying eachother and riding off into the sunset.

Marrying him would mean it's possible we both would/could become fulltime parents to his girl-and he would be fulltime to mine. I also know I'd have to accept his loving, wonderful smelly snarling bulldog into my house that already has a dog and cat...and two kids-possibly three if she moved with us. We know it's going to be madness Hence why we are in absolutely no rush to marry. I've had kids, so does he, we've been married-there's no next deadline to reach other then enjoy what we have now and wait and see what the future brings. I know we love eachother and want to always be together and talk of growing old together. So if someone uses that phrase-you know when you got married what it would be like? I can say absolutely, hands down. YES. I did!